My husband of 17 years is moving out. He says that he no longer loves me but wants to remian friends. We just started seeing a therapist. My question is this. Is it possible to start over and regain that feeling that was there at the beginning of our relationship or is the marriage over once one party has decided that the love is gone?

Yes

This is not a good time for me. I am looking for anyone out there who has applied the techniques described in the book His Needs her Needs and was able to turn around a situation that for all intents and purposes appeared hopless. Right now I feel as if I am the enemy in tnis relationship due to the fact that I still feel strongly that he loves me. I cna't explain why since he tells me he does not. There are days when I feel like I just might go crazy

Pat

Tugsmom-

I know the feeling. I am sorry for the pain you are feel right now. If it helps u r not alone. I love my wife and she tells me over and over she dosent me and she wants a divorce. We still live in the same house as "room mates" nothing more. I miss my friend and partner, as you do I am sure. This has been a big shock to me, I did know how unhappy she was. Just hang in there and keep DB and Praying. Thats what I am doing.

It would help to have more background,what lead up to his change.
Is there a possibility that he is interested in someone else?Or is your marriage in a dull stage and lacking some excitement?

He claims the change occured gradually. He was unhappy for most of the marriage. As I look back I noticed a change in his behavior not too long after my mother pasted away in 1996. It took him until 2000 to say something to me. He claims I am not meeting his needs but he has never told me what these needs were. He has never been one to talk about how he really feels. His brother says he has always been like this. I see him clam up when anyone tries to get him to talk about his feelings. We went to a therapist, me to try to get a handle on what's happened and to at least see if he'll talk, he is there to "save the friendship". I noticed that he had is guuard up with the therapist. While therenI asked him if he would read a book I had called "The Truth About Love" . He said sure but when I asked him about it yesterday he said he had skimmed through it. Again when faced with anything that might put a different spin on things he tends to dismiss it. I realize that his moving out is probably good. A little space to help one think, but it still is very painful. I continually pray for God's guidance and for the marriage to be healed but I guess plain old human inpatience has entered in. I can't shake this little voice that tells me he truly does love me and that everything will be fine. I just don't want to get caught off guard again

Pat

Yes, it is possible to regain the feelings you once had for each other. The MB plan is a very good way to do this.

I had been married for 18 years when I heard the same things you are hearing now. A year later, we were back inlove, and now (3 years later) I would say our relationship is better than it has ever been.

Read all you can here...make sure you read the Basic Concepts stuff, esp. Concentrate first on eliminating LB's, then on meeting ENs...meeting ENs won't help if you continue to LB.

Good luck.

Kathi

A thread for you...

EN success stories

Here's my first thread...K pulled it up the other day to illustrate a point. The reason I pull it up now is that K gives some good instructions here on getting started using the MB materials...

First thread

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 06:35 AM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>

Pat
He probably does still love you. After reading these posts for months now, I 'm under the impression that some people get a little bored with what they have UNTIL THEY ARE NOT SURE THAT THEY HAVE IT ANYMORE.
I read a thread last night. A mans advice who had left his wife-went back to her when she didn't act as needy for him and fixed herself up more. I don't know why, but even after marriage, sometimes love is a wierd game that must be played.
After years of marriage, sometimes we forget to use our feminine mystique that seduces men in the first place.
Over and over I read about the spouse who has left and lost interest until the spouse at home loses interest then -BANG! They want to come home and will eat dogfood out of their hand!

Thanks

As can be expected I have been doing alot of soul searching. I can to the conclusion that I do want this relationship to work but I think that in reality what I want is to start a new relationsip with my husband not "fix" the old one. This way we can try to leave the past behind and build on the people we are now. I still see the "past" getting in the way here. I know I am a different person than I was when I first met him and he is diferent also. May the therapist can help us with was to build this new relationship.I otld him yesterday that I was going to continue to tell him how I feel but it's for me not necessarily for him. To be able to freely express your feelings even to someone who at this time can't or won't return them feels right. I used to put up walls to keep from getting hurt so I would keep things bottled up. I guess to me my love is like a gift, I give it freely without any expectations of getting anything in return

Pat

TUGSMOM,
I'm so glad to read your post. I give my ideas here, you have inspired me. I woke up today suddenly feeling very discontented in my marriage.
I think you are right. People change over time, maybe I need to change and respond to my husband in a differant way. I think I still am saying the things that I felt years ago, but I really don't want to be that person anymore-and am not the same person.
We both "react to each other" out of habit rather than say what we really feel.
Thanks for your post. You have alot of wisdom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ezra
I makes me feel great that my hard faught insights might inspire someone else. I feel as if I am about to begin my life again at the ripe old age of 42. I have stopped trying to be the person I thought everyone else wanted me ot be and I am beginning to be the person I want to be. I have put my husband on every pray list that I can find as I truly believe that he needs some emotional healing and the healing can only come from God. As difficult as this is for me I now realize, as my sister said, you have to leave in order to come back. I have also decided that once he moves out on Saturday the only contact I will have with him, unless he initates it, is our weekly meetings with the therapist. In this way I will be able to see how serious he was about trying to forge a new relationship even if it is only just as friends. If God truly wants us to be together than we will find our way back to each other. If not then there are better things out there for me. I just have to have the faith to let God do his work. Not an easy task. This site has given me hope and a place that I feel I can express my feelings. Thnaks