My wife filed for divorce in November of 2001. She had an affair which she claims was started after she had already made the decision to leave me. Whether or not this is true is unclear to me. We have been married for 12 years and have three children. At the advice of my attorney I have stayed in the house. She is there also. Her boyfriend lives in another state. There was some discussion of him moving to NY but it now appears he is staying put. The divorce process has been absolutely terrible with outragous attorney fees and threats on her side to go for full custody and to take the kids with her to Texas (her parents live there) or to California (where her boyfriend lives). My hunch is that she wants to marry this guy and that he is unwilling to relocate to NY. Texas may be just an interim step. I am brokenhearted about the breakup of my family and have also lost my job. I would love to figure out how to save the marriage but the damage has been huge. She claims the relationship was loveless and that I was never there for her emotionally. While we always argued about money the real difficulties began after the birth of our youngest child. She felt she had postpartem depression and got on antidepressants (wellbutrin). She has been on the medication for four years and my feeling is that it made her manic. I progressively had less and less influence in the marriage and yet I had to exert more and more control over her propensity to spend money, which she, in turn, resented more and more. She would routinely get intensely angry at me and often times make me sleep in the extra room when I questioned her or became exasperated about her spending. She also began drinking more and more over time and in fact had checked herself into a rehab center in August of 2001. She returned after 3 days saying that the problem was not hers but mine. For the year prior to her filing divorce she began to read numerous books about codependency which had been, I assume, recommended by her psychiatrist and psychologist. I believe that her buy-in to codependency theory had quite a bit to do with her decision to pursue a divorce and/or look for another man. I am incredibly depressed and hoping for a miracle. Being in the house is making her more and more angry at me and probably driving her towards the other guy. But leaving the house may have negative legal ramifications. The courts have dictated I provide her with a generous weekly budget and pay all the household bills. My moving out will only add to the financial chaos. What should I do?

Your story is very sad. I can't tell you if it is better to move out or not. There are too many details about your circumstances that should come into play in making that decision. I'm curious about the "generous weekly budget" prescribed by the court. Is it less than she was spending before? How are you providing anything since you lost your job?

You might want to consider an anti-depressant to prop you up for a while. The situation sounds out of control. You need to care for yourself as well as you can so that you can cope with it all.

How often are you sleeping apart? Are you having any physical relationship at all? I remember in my first marriage, I found myself moved into the guest room for an extended period of time. It gave me a safe place to be while staying in the house.

I know this is going to go against your instincts, but I would recommend trying to give just a little more than is required of you by the court. Surround yourself with family and friends if you find them supportive. Avoid taking on any new commitments of your time or money. Do things that need to be done as best you can to avoid adding to your existing problems.

Thank you for your reply. My wife filed a complaint claiming I lost my job on purpose to avoid paying her money. She requested an outragious amount in temporary support including $1,000 per week of "walk around money". I was giving her no where near this amount before the divorce, and I was working at that time. I am also required to pay for a full time housekeeper. We are quickly burning through our savings that would have paid for our kids college. Before the divorce I was giving her giving her $1,000 per week but that paid for the housekeeper ($400 per week), her cellphone and our weekly entertainment budget which was around $150 per week. The whole thing is very depressing and I feel very helpless.