Thanks everyone....no time to reply now....will be back later...anyone else...add on!!

I'm a bit surprised by the large number of "votes" to tell the other spouse. I can't remember exactly what the books say but as I recall they lean toward staying out of the other couples problems. I'm struggling with this issue too and would like a few more responses.<P>My H and I are doing "fair" and he will be leaving the workplace where both the OW and her H work soon making it MUCH better.. <P>We've got a counseling session on Friday and I plan on bringing it up and will post results from that later.

Athena - I'm sure you're right, most books and in-person counselors would probably tell you NOT to involve the OP's spouse or family. From my point of view, I'd do it solely for revenge, just because it would give me a great deal of emotional satisfaction to see (in my case) the OM get what he deserves for royally screwing up my marriage -- and that is, to have HIS marriage screwed up too by having his W know about his affair with MY W. That's all. It definitely wouldn't be to benefit his W. I hate to have to think this way, but the anger that the whole situation arouses makes desire for revenge seem natural. (Before this all happened, I was very easygoing, and probably would have advised a friend in the same situation to fogive and forget. Not now.) And I would trust my own feelings about this before I would trust either a book or my incredibly dorky marriage counselor!<P>--Wex

sosad,<BR>I am the one who was told by OW's H about the affair. You wanted to know if it upset my H that he told me or made him want OW more by me finding out. I really think the greatest emotion my H felt when I confronted him was relief. Relief from the lying and cheating he had been dealing with. No, he did not want to go to OW. We are together 11 weeks since discovery and are doing well. <P>I really believe if I hadn't found out (and I was already suspicious but turned a blind eye) the affair would still be in full force and they may possibly have ended up together. I ended their fantasy at the four month mark, who knows where it may have progressed... I think OW was definitely more interested in long term commitment than my H, but when a OW is controlling the fantasy they can be pretty persuasive. She was already planning on leaving her H (which she has done) and she was also a "friend" of mine.<P>I can't imagine finding out years from now that we were all spending time together and they were sleeping together. What a fool I would have been. It was bad enough that I was in her company for 4 months while it was going on. Put yourself in OW H's shoes. Wouldn't you want to know?? More than likely he has suspicions as I did and all you need to do is give some concrete evidence to the affair, then let them deal with it. I became emotionally dependent on the OW's H during the discovery phase because I felt we had this bond between us that no one else could understand. After a few weeks, I had to tell him that I was getting on with my marriage and I was sorry his was breaking up, but I could not continue to communicate with him because it brought back everything to the surface every day....the details, etc.<P>Hope I have helped some by telling my experience.

Wexwill - Your response may be one really good reason NOT to tell the other spouse. I can understand the anger (felt it, still feel it but not 100% of the time) and wanting the revenge (I give it 65%). My problems however could be increased exponentially if I tell the OW's H, especially if he is unable to control his anger, and he does even half the crazy things that I thought about doing. <P>I appreciate the honesty of your post. It made me think about the unpredictability of the human response.

I wanted to bring this "back to the top" in hopes of getting some additional thoughts on the topic, particularly before I head to the counselor Friday afternoon.<P>I would especially like to hear from those that actually "did it" or had someone do it for them and the resulting reactions from everyone. <P>Sosad - not trying to takeover this topic for you but it's a pretty hot subject for me right now.

sosad<P>First... Thanks to your responce to my post-I left a reply...check it out<P>W told me 20 years after the fact without my prompting or suspision. Had I known even seven years later, I don't know what I would have done and how it would have affected the family. If OM's wife had told me while it was happening, I have little doubt that I would have thrown her out or would I have left. <BR>That would have ruined 5 lives but I don't think I could have lived with it at the time.<P> I choose to live my life so that I don't want to look over my shoulder or be suspicious of every move my wife makes. I can't and won't live that way. If she doesn't want me....leave.<BR>More years of maturity and togetherness have allowed me to address our marriage in a better way than in my younger years.<P>Your decision can affect several lives. If any of the several replys to your post hits you between the eyes as the answer ot your dilema, perhaps that is God's way. If nothing pushes you over the edge either way - I would sugest to err on the side of doing nothing.<P>God Bless<BR>

Just bringing this to the top for Crushed.

Dear Crushed - I am struggling with the same issue, although there is only one OW spouse to think about. The counselor (as someone suggested he would) says to leave the other couple alone, that there is nothing to gain in the rebuilding of my marriage, and perhaps something to lose (unpredictability of the reaction OW's H). <P>In the book "Private Lies" it talks about this subject a bit, but not from the perspective of the betrayed spouses talking with the other betrayed spouse. It does suggest that having this "knowledge" is a type of power, and like any power should be used wisely.<P>I'm still up in the air but I can't seem to shake it the idea that this guy has a right to know and that she should be forced to deal with her part in this mess too. <P>I'm hoping to get more answers from this group just like you.

This is a tough one. I have real mixed feelings. I know that there were people who knew what my H was doing and chose not to tell me. I choose not to associate with these people because I don't feel they are my friends. If this is a friend, tell him! He has a right to know. If not, then you need to consider what it will do to your marriage. You need to come first, and although he does need to know, you should not worsen your own situation to help his. On the other hand, if you marriage is already in the "almost hopeless" category, tell him!! She doesn't deserve to have her H and yours too!! (I guess that falls into the revenge category) As for me, I'd want to know and I wouldn't care who told me or why!<P>

Within a week of discovery, I called OM wife only to be told she knew 3 months prior and suspected 6 months prior. She had already had discussion with my wife. I guess I was looking for an ally, but she had already decided she had had enough after 27 years. She had been told I was violent that is why she hadn't called.<P>I was glad I found out from my wife, but I wished the OM wife had told me earlier. How I would have reacted I don't know, but I feel a lot of things might have changed.<P>If the affair was over I definitely would not want to hear it from anyone but my wife first.<P>So the answer is maybe yes, maybe no, but most of all decide what is best for your marriage.

I found out about H's affair 5 days ago. The OW's H called our house at 4am trying to match up the phone numbers from his W cell phone. It was the most painfull, shocking phone call I have ever had, but I am so glad it happened. I would rather know then go on clueless.<P>OW's H did not have concrete evidence, but it opened up a can of worms. My husband admitted to a three month affair. He says he has been trying to end it and would have told me eventualy.<P>I'm glad the call happened. It brought everything out in the open and now we can work on fixing things.<BR>JN<p>[This message has been edited by JN (edited September 20, 1999).]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It looks like there is unanimous consent on "every case is different, no single answer". In my case the affair is over (I've been told and I have no reason not to believe and every reason to believe) and my H would like to just leave this alone. Under the "complete agreement" theory, this should end the discussion for me I suppose, but I'm still nagged by it. <P>The OW is a mother of a small child, out having unprotected sex, and as far as my H and I know, her husband is completely in the dark. Maybe she has learned, but I can't help but come back to my drunk driver analogy. <P>More input ?