Well there isn't a forum for that, understandably so since this is MB, but I am at a point in my life where getting married is not a priority.

My boyfriend and I have somewhat different religious views, which would make a standard wedding in a church not worth much. An alternative ceremony of confessing our lasting love, perhaps, but I don't see a church wedding in our future.

Plus, there is the fact that BF has no positive role models for marriage. None. Unfortunately he knows nobody who is happily married. Hence a bad association with the idea.

I am in no rush to be married again after how mine turned out. (We were engaged and living together within months of meeting, married in just one year.) Overall I see a lot of legal DISadvantages to getting married. Morally, let's put the religious issues aside for now. I believe that this is the one person I am meant to be with for the rest of my life.

I am ready to treat living together as something not casual in the least, but as a married couple would ... shared money, shared expenses, shared chores. We have been completely committed to each other from the night we reunited, and meet each others' needs like it's second nature. It comes so easily that we are still crazy about each other after 18 months ... few prior relationships made it four months into the infatuation stage.

Living together first came to light as an option when we had been together 8 months, and I am so glad we waited. We have learned so much about each other in the 10 months since. The few hours a week we spend together is not enough for us. We are now looking at early 2004 as a target date for our home to be ready to move into. Neither of us could make payments alone, so breaking up/'divorce' is not an option.

I know for some people it works, for some it doesn't; I know about the stats on cohabitation before marriage ... I guess I'm not looking for approval or dissent, but cautious as to what I should be concerned about. What advice would you give newlyweds who are just moving in together? That is probably the most relevant information I need at this time.

Take a look at the “a little help” thread on this board, which is about the same thing. You’ll see a lot of views expressed. I listed the factors I think have contributed to the success of my live-in relationship. I recognize that those factors don’t apply to many of the people considering this sort of arrangement.

ExPrincessButtercup,
I just want to know how many couples that your boyfriend knows that have been happily living together for 20-30 years. Or even 10-15. Question hard why you believe in the commitment of living together, verses a marriage commitment.
What are the bennifits verses the downfalls? Commitment, financial, ect..
Ther comes a time when society does not look well upon people not being married, but just co-habitating. My mother in law is around 60 and has been living with her boyfriend for 20+ years. Some still frown on it-including myself.

I'm not married and my requests for advice in building my relationship have often been dismissed here because I'm not entitled to the respect married people are given on MB. I am not married.

I'm not married yet because we wouldn't be able to keep our home without the tax write off we'd lose if we were married.

Does a legal document mean more than the vows we made to each other before God and tokened with a ring at our engagement? In the opinion of most here, yes. To us it's like the Hebrew National Hotdog commercial, we answer to an even HIGHER authority. A legal document and a wedding aren't what make marriage different. It's the degree of commitment that those acts symbolize to the partners.

If you're living together because you're not ready to make a big commitment, try to understand married people will think it's unfair to compare your relationship to a marriage. If you've made the commitment but you're avoiding the taxes, try to remember you haven't paid for the respect that married people have.

I do see what you are saying. A piece of paper does not mean that a commitment is stronger, yet it is biblical and almost everything in our society requires paperwork.
I knew how to drive but was required to get a D. L.. To vote I need to register. To be a nurse or lawyer and many other proffessions, there is certification ect..
If you had children, there would be paperwork to establish parentage. It is all part of living in a civilized society. The rest of married couples have the same tax dilemas that you face. This is not unique to you. We find the pay offs in marriage in other ways I guess. It's not about money.

Sometimes even the State you are living will not give you a choice. In many States, after a couple of years of living together, a man and a woman are recognized as common law husband and wife and all this without the benefit of a marriage certificate. So do check your States laws concerning couples living together because you may end up being married without you even knowing it.

I have read alot of GSN's post from beginning and just finished tonite. Curiousity made me do it.
I am posting here for I searched MB for a slot for the not married folks, living together w\o marriage. Not that I am against marriage. I found this site by another site I would post on. A site for married mostly, I was searching for info on finding out if bf is cheating on me. This is a sore subject. I need to know the truth. At that site info was given in small ways. I came here in hope for a solution out of frustration. Desperation. Wanted to say I'm glad someone placed the topic, for I too was looking for where I belonged in all this!
That's the sad part....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I wonder how many people are there that are living together, yet ashamed to say...I know not all are ashamed. I never left a post here.

Coffeeman,
Where do I find this for RI? The common law info that is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Is there a My Story location where we should tell to get help just for insight.....? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Two and a half of the three years I've been a member of these boards I was not married, and I didn't feel disrespected or slighted in the least by the other members. I'm not around as much as I used to be, so perhaps that's changed. I hope not.

Building a relationship into a marriage is just as problem-ridden as building a marriage into something great, and is important too: learning to nurture and grow a relationship BEFORE the deal is sealed surely gives a greater chance of remaining happy long-term than waiting until after the vows to get the relationship's act together.

So, ex-Princess Buttercup, I suspect the reason you have yet to get an answer to your question (What advice would you give newlyweds who are just moving in together?) is because the advice an MB'er would give to a newlywed is different from what they would give to someone who was beginning a live-in relationship while unmarried. For example, should you find yourself in a situation where one of you wants children and the other doesn't, for live-in couples the advice would probably be to recognize that this is an intractable disagreement, and for the greater happiness of both of you, dissolve the relationship and find someone else. However, for marrieds the advice would be different: I daresay despite dismal divorce rates everyone on this board wants their marriage to succeed, hopes it will, and feels an obligation to uphold their vows, thus breaking up and moving on is not an option and this difficult situation must be negotiated in some other way.

Moreover, MBer principles teach that living together before marriage is not a good idea and leads to a less stable marriage. However, I'll bet you know that already, and have decided to live together before marriage anyway, so what you really need is advice on how to try to avoid the problems that befall other live-in couples.

Okay, so, hopefully you understand now where the above posts are coming from. I am a newlywed, and as one who did not live with a man until after my wedding, I can tell you I found the hardest transition to be in the "roommate" realm, not the "husband" realm. Simple things, like how loud your (or his) alarm clock blares in the morning, who answers mail and pays bills, how housework is divided, how to share closet space, etc. In resolving these issues, don't let your giver take over in the beginning and make sacrifices over how this or that is set up, for whenever the giver goes overboard with generosity there is a taker backlash to come! It sounds backwards for newlyweds, not to let "givers" come out, but in all honesty, I believe if you follow the POJA when setting up your new home and figuring out how to run your household, you'll do just fine.

<small>[ January 02, 2003, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: younglove ]</small>

I have posted you before and can't sleep so here goes again with differant input.
I feel like I am the only person awake right now-I broke my leg and since then am getting on my feet and over did it and took a 5 hr nap!
Anyways, I have been married three times. The two prior marriages we did live together shortly before we wed. It was not a 'decision' that we made, just out of convinience.
Both of those marriages ended in divorce. I would not say it was because of jumping in to live together though. Statistics do prove for some reason that marriages fail twice as aften when preceeded by a living together arrangment.
The one thing that is a big disappointment is to get married and nothing changes. Not your address or anything. If you take you husband's name you change your checking account and drivers license.
Otherwise, much of the anticapation is disappointing.After time of living together, one usually wants to marry and one wants the statis quo. What incentive is there for marriage at that point?
When I got married six years ago it was really fun.We ran off and just did it at a courthouse.
I moved into his house. It was neat not knowing where the dishes were all kept and moving in AFTER we made vows. We did not try out SF first so that was really rewarding. It was risky though. We definately had past experience with this and the thought entered my mind" What if we are not good in bed?"
We took that risk and it is the ONE and only area that we don't have trouble.
The disadvantage that I find with marriage is that you can easily be taken for granted. If I move out it will take alot of pain to desolve the bonds and money for the paperwork. Living together can easily be dissolved.
The disadvantages of living together w/o marriage seem higher though. They usually don't last. One person gets very hurt-usally the woman. A man will generally feel a respect and connection with a woman he is married too. I have seen countless friends that move in with bliss and leave heart broken later. If they had made the vows, I think that many would still be together. Every relationship married or not, goes through the down spells. When you are just living together,one can easily stray because are you cheating if you are not married? Then why not get married?
Take a friend of mine for instance. She was stepping out on her husband with another man. She got a divorce, got $30,000 and bought a house with her new fiance'. For some reason unknown to me, the house is in his name only, yet it was her $30,000 that was used for the down payment. A few months later now, the wedding bells can't be heard, they newness has worn off and my friend is stuck in the same type of relationship that she left. Only now it will take alot of money to prove that she put the money into the house(no paper trail)he has no commitment. Just the house and the free sex. She has two young children and two teenagers that see their mom living like this and are not proud.
If you don't have children, it's not so bad. You are not affecting anyone elses life. I once asked my children if they would have minded if I lived with my husband instead of getting married. Much to my surprise( I always think that my kids are so liberal)they said that they would be embarrassed if we weren't married. Kids at school whose moms are in live in relationships get gossiped about. I was actually amazed. I thought that now days this wouldn't be the case.
I will again add, however, that marriage can create an 'ownership' mentality.
Best of luck to you what ever you decide.

I think Ezra made a lot of good points. I was engaged in April 2002 and my fiance moved in with me in June. We were married in December. Our "living together" was not contemplated until we were engaged with a date set. It was great, in that it allowed us to get used to one another -- particularly for me to get used to him being there. I had never been married or co-habbed. Heck, I hadn't even had a roommate since 1994. He had been married for 27 years, so knew the drill.

We got used to each other's habits and strengths and weaknesses in everyday matters. Had there been any surprises that I couldn't accept, I would have had an opportunity to end the relationship. Alas, everything was fine.

What I did lose out on was that "just married" feeling. With all the relatives in town, and all the other things going on (holidays, houses to buy and sell, busy year-end work schedules) the newness of the marriage kind of got lost in the shuffle. I still feel a little short-changed by all that.

Not an answer to your question, I know. I guess I have a question for you. Do you want to be married to this man? If so, and he is reluctant to do so but is willing to live with you, is that a sacrifice you are willing to make? I think that when one party "isn't ready" to get married and the other one is, then it's not a good idea to live together. After making the sacrifice and moving in, it will be hard to explain to him in a few years why you NEED to be married, when you have been rocking along for that amount of time (in his eyes) happy as a clam. He just won't get it.

If you do move in together, treat it like a marriage. But the money has to be handled differently. Take heed of Ezra's friend's problem about the down payment for the house.

Good luck!

yg <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

how refreashing read thispost. I am sitting here finding myself in the same situation. I have recently moved in with my boyfriend. It was something we both wanted. My last marriage was one of total misery and I am very reluctant to take that step again. I feel if I would have lived with my last husband I would never have married him.
My problem now is that I have come to realize that I do want to marry the man I live with and I want to share my life with him. He is truly my soul mate and meets all my needs effortlessley. My boyfriend has never been married and it is something that he hopes one day for us. He has just said we will know when it is right for us. We have commited ourselves to each other and have even purchased partner rings. My concern is that my old beliefs are slowly popping back up ( or never really left) why would he want to get married when he is getting it all now, and are we shortchanging our relationship by living together? How can we make sure that make this a positive step for our future?

Smartin,
Unfortunately there are no guarentees when you marry. Just a commitment to live by for both parties.
But if you both enter into it-it says more than a live-in relationship. You are both committed unless one wants to 'undo it' with divorce actions which take time and money.
Yet don't mistake me. Marriage is the toughest commitment that anyone can enter into. It's not always fun or easy to say the least. The differance is you keep on plodding away to make it right-not exit.

Hi Ex-princess,

I know if I could do it all over again, I don't think I would live together before M. Then again, we didnt', the second time we got together. It was too easy for him to leave. I guess he wasn't as committed as I was.

It sounds as if you two have already decided, so, instead, I think this is what I would have done differently, I would have acted as if were were married, I would have him act as if we are married. None of this "we aren't married" crap. That is one of the problems my H and I ran into the first time around. We were not married, we did most things as if we were married, until his "friend" decided to remind him that we were not married, and I did not have the right to tell him how to spend his money. What his "friend" failed to realize, was back then, I made more, and he was spending my money also in the bar, so yes, I had a right to tell him. I also had the right to tell him if he was drinking away the diaper money, the daycare money, etc. So, my suggestion is, make sure you have the groundwork laid out and understood. Invoke the policy of joint agreement if necessary.

I understand your fear, I know many who are in your shoes.

I have a good friend, who has been living with her BF, for oh, about 10 years now. They refer to each other as husband and wife. They are more married than some married couples I know. Of course they are, I think the rare exception to the rule about living together. Honestly, for most couples, I don't think it works. For them it does.