these 80% statisticshave been debunked by several reseachers, most of which can be rooted out via a web search. They don't count those who have successfully cohabitated for decades minus a formal marriage or the number of divorces prevented by doing so. It also doesn't take into account that those who won't 'shack up' tend to be often conservative religious types who also wouldn't get a divorce if they were being strangled daily.

I'm not a huge proponent of it, BUT the stats have been presented inaccurately for years. The people who got divorced would have done so anyway, how it's a factor is beyond me. I guess if you think of yourself as a renter maybe but that has to be the exception.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">these 80% statisticshave been debunked by several reseachers, most of which can be rooted out via a web search.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is true, why don't you provide at least one link that backs up your statement?

Here's a link titled A Few Facts On Cohabitation. It has some pretty interesting facts on the subject.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: 2MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Here's another link titled Should we live together? - What Y...Comprehensive Review of Recent Research . I hope it helps.

Coffeeman,

I'd take less issue with the stats that you posted if they didn't pretend to not be biased.

I don't think they're biased just because I happen to disagree with them. I think the measure of validity of a site like the one you posted is does it show both sides. The site you referenced says essenitally "don't live together, where's why" followed by lists of stats to back up that one POV.

I'd MUCH rather have someone give me facts and allow me to make up my mind.

Take a look at this
Shack or marriage YOU decide

The second paragraph gets to the heart of the matter imho

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</small>

good paragraph, you can dig up the study'

'There are studies which supposedly "prove" that people who have "lived together" are more apt to fail in marriage (get a divorce) than those who have not lived together before marriage. However, there are other studies that show the opposite--that people who have "lived together" are more likely to stay together (White, 1987) than those who have not had that experience. Clearly, all of these people were serious about marriage; they tried it. But divorce is only a sure sign of marital unhappiness; remaining married is not a sure sign of marital happiness. So if the researchers have groups with different attitudes about the acceptability of divorce, they will get different results. It seems quite likely that couples who were open to living together will be more open to the idea of divorce if they become very unhappy. So, thus far, divorce rate doesn't tell us much about the wisdom of living together and mate selection. '

also

http://www.unmarried.org/

not saying I agree totally but it is something to read

From unmarried.org I found this particularly interesting:

- Many of the media reports about the study exaggerate the link between cohabitation and divorce. The study found a small difference (9%) in the rate of divorce in the first ten years for spouses who cohabited before marriage compared to those who didn't. However, many other studies find that most or all of this link is explained by the differences between the kinds of people who cohabit and those who don't. Since most couples who marry today are already living together, those who don't are a more religious, conservative group with different divorce patterns. As sociologist Judith Seltzer wrote in a 2000 article in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, "Claims that individuals who cohabit before marriage hurt their chances of a good marriage pay too little attention to this evidence."

- The study did not demonstrate that cohabitation causes people to have a higher divorce rate. The two factors are correlated, but that doesn't mean that one necessarily caused the other. As CNN.com reported, "One of the study's authors said the report did not draw the conclusion that living together before marriage was the cause of the relationship ending. 'It may not be the experience of cohabiting but the people who cohabit,' said William Mosher. 'What we're saying about that is that we think that couples who cohabit before marriage may have different values than couples who do not," he said.'"

- The researchers found much larger differences in divorce rates for other factors they considered. While there was a 9% difference in the ten-year divorce rate between couples who cohabited and those who didn't, the difference was 30% by family income (couples with an income of $50,000 or more are much less likely to get divorced), 24% by age at marriage (women who marry when they're 25 or older are less likely to divorce), 14% by religion (religious women are less likely to divorce), and 13% by education (women with education beyond high school are less likely to divorce).

Interesting topic, not going to comment on any single reply, just some thoughts,I have a 16 yr old daughter who i know some day will face this topic,advise I will offer her is, THINK about all the pros and cons carefully,PRO: you spend ALL your time with this person you THINK can be your soul mate, you see his good and bad points and he sees yours, you see how he thinks, and how he spends money.IS HE all you thought he was?? IS HE ready to commit to only you some day soon? is he HONEST about it? SOME ISSUES people can have are easily hidden in the dating stages, BUT, when you LIVE with them they usually surface, can you live with and DEAL with this "issue" all your life? Will you want THIS MAN to be your childs father forever??Since no one is perfect you have to decide WHICH imperfections you can and cant deal with all your life, living together gives you a preview of some of these. CON: people generally resist "change" you live with a guy/gal and she gets "comfortable" with a non marriage arrangement, but you want more committment,someone ends up hurt.You also have a risk factor for having children with this person and you cant secure a committment from him. Another risk is this person you live with is able to find another mate and bail out on a minute's notice. I've read that MEN are waiting much longer to make marriage committments today, reasons given ranged from fear of failure to just plain not wanting to settle down yet,i've also read that MEN are seeinh how UNFAIR they may be treated if the marriage fails and they have children,they see their friends and fathers suffering miserable lives trying to survive messy divorces. IF Society wants to motivate more men to MARRY instead of "shack up" they need to STOP dropping the financial burn of divorce all on the male. At any rate I think living together is a personal decision and is not right for everyone, but it can work.personally, if i ever end up single again I want to TRY IT before I marry it again,too much to lose now days.

fortyone...

You bring up some excellent points in relation to the marriage committment and men in our society. It is very true that if a married couple with kids ends up divoring, you can bet the farm that the mother will get custody of the kids most of time unless she is a convicted murderer. On the other hand, I couldn't disagree with you more regarding your, "try it before you marry it" statement. This is the exact attitude that makes cohabitation a BAD idea!!! The only way to a successful relationship is to take 1-2 years or so and really get to know the person WITHOUT living together. If you really get to know the person that you are marrying, you don't need to live together with them before marriage..

Bryan

Bryan,

Do you feel like your marriage was a starter marriage?

Hi Katie..

I really don't feel that my first marriage was a starter marriage. I know now that my ex had misunderstandings of what a successful marriage is based on and she admitted to me that divorcing was the worst decision that she has ever made. However, she made it clear that she missed the financial support etc. that I provided during our short marriage. I now feel that my only role in this marriage was to provide money for her to spend. Countless attempts to discuss financial matters in a respectful way ended without an effort on her part for be financially responsible.

Looking Back, I should have never married someone so selfish and disrespectful in this matter. I have been dating a girl for the last year and a few months who is very financially responsible, loving, caring, respectful etc. and I am very happy now.

I lived with my H for about 5 years before we got married. We've been married for 6 years now (it will be 7 on the 26th of March). We had a good relationship to start with, and we have a great relationship now.

I don't think that living together has harmed our relationship at all! In fact, I think it was a good idea FOR US. I'm not saying it's a good idea for anyone else... just thought I'd chime in with a success story.

Oh, and we're both atheists. I mention that only because it seems to matter to some people.

Bryan,

As I stated on the D/D board...I dated my first H for 3 1/2 years before we got married. (We did not live together). 2 months after we got married, he started beating me. I THOUGHT I knew him well enough after dating that long. Guess I got it wrong.

My new H and I lived together for almost 4 months before we got married. We've been married for a year now and things are just as good now as they were then. He is not a renter or a freeloader. He moved into my home and we are in the process of getting his name on the deed. We've combined our incomes so that we share ALL expenses. Never is it "my money" or "his money". We've been doing this since we moved in together but didn't combine bank accounts until after we got married. Plus we've made promises to each other to do everything possible to make our marriage last. Neither of us wants to go thru a divorce again.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's good to hear these success stories. My boyfriend and I agreed this weekend that the reason so many marriages after living together fail is because people think they can "relax" and not have to try anymore, when it should really be just the opposite. I think that those couples who make the transition successfully are those who do everything in their power not to let that happen. I hope one day we will be one of those successes. Thanks again!

My BF and I have been living together for 6 mo., were together almost a yr prior to that. I can honestly say that I don't think I, personally, could marry w/o this element. I thought I knew him before, but I had no clue. The good side to all of this is that I got a chance to know all of those aspects BEFORE committing the rest of my life to him. I didn't stand before God and others promising something that felt good at the moment but I really had no clue as to whether I could actually keep that promise. I plan to have a HAPPY M not just a vow or promise that I made so I must stick with it M. To each his own, but I honestly cannot understand why a person would so willingly make what is SUPPOSED to be a lifelong committment so blindly. I've seen both ends of the spectrum and I don't feel like either is right or wrong. If you live your life based on statistics then you really aren't living at all. The divorce rate is at 50% and climbing and it makes me wonder that if some of these people would take the time to make sure they know the person they are committing their life to before blindly plunging in then we would be alot better off, statistically speaking!!

There are pros and cons to EVERYTHING, and nothing is outright perfect. The thing about life is that nobody has it figured out yet, that's why they use things like statistics <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> as a map to help them figure out what they should and shouldn't do. I just want to be armed w/all the knowledge that I can, not only about my mate but about living w/someone period and all that goes with it. If M is the ultimate goal then I'd say you're already on the wrong path. Friendship and love should be your foundation and then M should be what seals it.

If you believe strongly that it's better to not live together then that is what makes you, that is what going to be the driving force for YOU, however, that does NOT mean that what works for you is for someone else. JMHO

Living together bfore marriage I think is good. You really don't know a persons personal habits until you live with them. My sister married a guy. He was great @ dating. His home trying habits, were not compatible with hers. They were divorced in one year. Newly weds do not need a strain on thier marriage in the beginning on unexpected things.
I lived with my persent husband for 4 years before we married. I had to make sure he was the right guy in every way.

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD MY OPINION ABOUT THIS TOPIC. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 4 TIMES. 3 DIVORCES AND I HAVE ALSO BEEN WIDOWED. THE MAN I WAS MARRIED TO IN MY FIRST MARRIAGE WAS OLDER THAN I AND WE DID NOT LIVE TOGETHER, WE JUST JUMPED INTO MARRIAGE, IT WAS A DISASTER. MY SECOND HUSBAND AND I LIVED TOGETHER FOR 18 MONTHS THEN MARRIED, UNFORTUNEATLY HE WAS KILLED IN AN ACCIDENT, BUT LIVING TOGETHER GOT US TO THE POINT OF KNOWING EACH OTHER AND MARRIAGE WAS AN EASY TRANSITION. MY THIRD HUSBAND AND I DID NOT LIVE TOGETHER VERY LONG BEFORE MARRIAGE AND THAT DID NOT WORK OUT. MY FOURTH HUSBAND AND I WE NOT TOGETHER LONG AT ALL WHEN WE MARRIED AND WE STAYED TOGETHER 11 YEARS BUT ISSUES ON BOTH OF OUR PARTS CAME BETWEEN US. I AM PRESENTLY LIVING WITH SOMEONE NOW. WE HAVE BOTH BEEN THROUGH ALOT AND HAVE TAKEN THIS REALTIONSHIP VERY SLOW. IT HAS BEEN IN STAGES. WE HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW AND IT IS WORKING OUT VERY WELL FOR US. WE EACH HAVE OUR OWN SPACE, HE HAS HIS OWN ACTIVITIES WITH THE GUYS AND WE ALSO HAVE THINGS WE DO TOGETHER JUST THE TWO OF US AND WE ALSO INCLUDE MY GIRLS FOR FAMILY TIME. HE IS GUN SHY ABOUT MARRIAGE, HE HAS BEEN MARRIED ONCE AND HAD A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP AFTER THAT. IT HAS TAKEN ALONG TIME FOR HIM TO COME AS FAR AS HE HAS WITH ME BUT MARRIAGE SEEMS TO SCARE HIM STILL. I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO DO TO REASSURE HIM THAT THINGS WILL NOT CHANGE WHEN WE ARE MARRIED.......TAKING IT SLOW HAS WORKED OUT FOR US, SO I GUESS I CAN BE PATIENT LONGER. LIVING TOGETHER IS THE BEST WAY I KNOW TO GET TO KNOW WHAT A PERSON IS LIKE IN ALL SITUATIONS. YOU SEE THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE STRESSFUL, EACH DIFFERENT ASPECT OF LIFE.

Mustanglady..

I totally disagree with your statement of "living together is the only way to get to really know someone." The best way to get to know someone is to date them for at least 1 1/2 years without living together. Although living together was not the main reason why my marriage failed, it certainly didn't help the relationship and I would NEVER do it again. Its simply not the right thing to do in any circumstance period!

Trying..

4 years??? Why so long??

anyse...

What are the real reasons why you are choosing to cohabitate with your b/f before marriage?? If you dated your b/f for a year, you would know as much about him regardless if you lived together or not...