The problem (causing the high rates of divorce in this category) comes from too many people marrying with the wrong expectations and "rules"--that is something that can be corrected if addressed from the beginning of the cohabitation.
Exactly! They live together for a year or two and think, "Hey, we get along great. Let's get married!"but don't understand how marriage changes a relationship.

Jilly and Smile.

I second the post made by Chris. I am not trying to make judgments on people living together and so on. I know cohabitation doesn't work and nothing I say will convince you otherwise. We can disagree and that is fine.

If you reason for living together is financial, find a friend, family member, relative and become roommates. Problem solved!

Let me say this... I would rather live with my parents and court a girl than cohabitate.

Chris:
You pointed out that:

They live together for a year or two and think, "Hey, we get along great. Let's get married!"but don't understand how marriage changes a relationship.

I've heard that a lot, and have chosen to believe it. Which is why I'm not getting married. My live-in situation is working out so well, I don't want to risk it.

I also agree with the remark you made earlier that the live-in thing has a better chance of success with older people (like me). I can definitely see how I'm better at it now than I would have been 15-20 years ago.

Which is why I'm not getting married. My live-in situation is working out so well, I don't want to risk it.
But marriage is so much more and to view it as "taking a risk" only makes it less than it should be. Meaning most people don't go into it that way (as taking a risk). Generally, they go into for life.

I also agree with the remark you made earlier that the live-in thing has a better chance of success with older people (like me).
I meant that older people (meaning more life experience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )who live together first and then get married have a better chance of success at marriage than younger people who do the same.
Not that older people can live together successfully.

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris and Bryan,

I still want to know just where you get your information from?? I have read articles that state the opposite that couples who cohabitate together actually stay together longer after being married than couples who date.

I also take offense at the statement regarding morals! Just because I chose to live with my fiance does not mean I do not have morals and I'm sure that goes for alot of the folks on here.

Smile a day

Living together should not be taken lightly. It should be made with as much thought as any important step one takes in life. We thought long and hard on this before we actually did move in together. If he is unsure at all about the relationship I would not move in with him. Not because I feel if you get married it is bound to fail, but because I don't want to see you get hurt. At your age I would stay as independant as possible, until you and he are sure this is what you want. You have a long life to live yet. If you feel that you are both ready than this is only a decision you can make.

All of these comments made here are by just people who have their own opinions and beliefs. It's up to you to sort out the good from the bad.

Jill

Jill..

I would read any book by Dr. Harley. He will confirm this information for you. Cosmo, Redbook, and O magazine are not good sources of correct information in this area. (JUST KIDDING)

Don't take me so seriously! If you believe that living together is a good thing....do it! Being defensive shows you are not confident in your viewpoints.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he is unsure at all about the relationship I would not move in with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ummm...a little late. We've been living together very happily for over two years. I agree that the decision should not be taken lightly. I wish we had known more about it when we decided to live together. It was simply the next logical step for us as we had been spending all of our time together and spending lots of money on separate housing that wasn't getting used.

Btw, he is very sure about the relationship. The relationship is very strong. What is keeping him from proposing is wishing he had more dating experience before me. He's coming to terms with that and we are working together to take care of his concerns in the best way possible.

Thanks.
Smile

The quote below is common with people who cohabitate. This statement would be a "renters" point of view.

I've heard that a lot, and have chosen to believe it. Which is why I'm not getting married. My live-in situation is working out so well, I don't want to risk it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by positivebryan:
<strong>Being defensive shows you are not confident in your viewpoints.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, I'm not Jill, but I have a thought about this quote -- and my thought is this:

Maybe the reason *someone* (as in "any one of us") feels defensive around here (as in "at MB") is the pervasive feeling that those of us who think differently (as in "not exactly like Harley or you") are somehow immoral or stupid.

Also, there is the ever-growing problem of being psychoanalyzed when expressing a thought. "(Being defensive shows you are not confident in your viewpoints.")

For the most part, I love Harley's material, and live by it. I have read his articles about Living Together Before Marriage (and Second Marriages, which I would bet have more "living together" beginnings) that struggle simply due to the circumstances surrounding them. Harley's certainly not the first to discuss this.

Oh, and I feel very confident about having lived with my husband before we were married -- it doesn't affect our marriage one way or the other.

Gee, and I have been trying really hard to not wear my emotions on my sleeve, but heck, when I read threads like this, I just want to jump on a soapbox and DEFEND my views.

Sheryl,

ThankYou! I'm glad that some of the old timers here feel as I do that there is to much analizing here and not enough supporting.

Jill

Bryan,

Please don't preach MB to me. I was here a long time ago. I used Harleys principles when I was going through my divorce and still do to this day use them. Perhaps that is why my relationship is as strong as it is now. As for Cosmo and O I don't read them. As for being defensive the only reason I am being defensive is I feel that instead of listening to what others have to say you judge them and belittle them. Being the red head Irish girl I am I will argue my point to the end it has nothing to do with being defensive.

Jill

Jilly..

You are wrong about me judging anybody. I have strong beliefs like you. I am passionate about this subject. If you don't like what I have to say then ignore me!

I also take offense at the statement regarding morals! Just because I chose to live with my fiance does not mean I do not have morals and I'm sure that goes for alot of the folks on here.
No one wrote you didn't have morals.

Positivebryan wrote:
“This statement would be a "renters" point of view.”

I know. It’s funny, isn’t it? Here we are, leading a fully marriage building life, but lacking that one ingredient. Care, Protection, time, POJA, honesty, meeting MIENs, avoiding lovebusters and annoying behaviors . . . We've got them all. When people meet us, they automatically assume we’re married and are typically astonished to learn we’re not. Our friends have decided we ARE married – we just skipped the wedding. They may be on to something . . .

Just in case anyone is interested in what God has to say about the subject:

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Hebrews 13:4

Single guy...those who follow in God's footsteps already know what he has to say about this. Those who do not, also know what he has to say as people like you have been so generous with your time to remind us.

Not all people are concerned about the consequences of God's watchful eye. We are more concerned about the consequences of hurting/mistreating those around us.

Personally, I do not believe in God, yet I am perfectly capable of seeing the pros and cons of living together before marriage.

Smile

I have to say i am very disapointed in the posts that have been ongoing in this. I am new to the site myself and I see a young girl reaching for help and all the support i see in these posts have been fighting over the rights and wrongs of living together. For those of you that have come on and kept an open mind thank you, for those of you who feel morally superior to the people who choose to live life to the morals of today instead of the morals you have set in your mind, please please don't choose this as a place to degrade people. If you aren't here to support the person please dont reply.
Now with that out of the way... I too had my highschool sweetheart from 15-21 six years.. i can tell you from personal experiance who we were at 20 was very different from 21 and extraoridinarily different from today. I would not recomend living together because it is harder to adapt to the many changes you both will be going through in the next couple of years as you 'grow' up a little more (i am only 24 so i'm not saying you aren't grown up) I also understand the intense emotional need to be with that person and start a life together. I think it is something that will push you to make some decisions that may harm your relationship, it can cause us to push things like marriage before the other person is ready and can cause us to become very bitter when we aren't getting the commitment we think that we need. Talk to your bf on a very regular basis.. dont mention marriage or living together everytime you get together, concentrate on finding new things to do together as young adults, try and lean away from falling into the patern of marriage for atleast another year or so just to give yourselves a little room to change without it having any major effects on your relationship.
Good luck, keep hoping, things will get better no matter what ends up happening I promise.