My story! Mike and I have lived together for seven years. We met in 1996 dated for about 6 months and worked opposite schedules and decided to live together. It was a big step for both of us. I had never lived with someone before and he had been married for a short time two years prior to us meeting.

Anyway we have had our ups and downs through the years but a good relationship for the most part. He did cheat on me three years ago for a very breif time. (5 weeks off and on)We split up during that time and decided we loved each other and would work through it.

Since then everything has been wonderful. We had a baby girl a year ago and what a surprise and joy she is.

Out of the blue this past March - Mike told me he hasn't loved me for 2 years and that he was leaving. In addition, he left our home on March 7th and moved in with another woman March 8th. It hurt so badly and still does.

I have been reading surviving an affair and have found it helpful. But am wondering if the same principles apply since we weren't married. I feel that we were committed to one another and spoke of marriage but never actually did it.

I also am wondering what the statistics of someone coming back and wanting to work on things are. I truely love him and want things to work even now - but don't know if we will have the opportunity. You see Mike has not told me but has told other friends that he is in love with this girl and that they are getting married. What a blow to my ego! It has only been two and half months since he left so logically I don't see how he can be in love so quickly but I don't know.

Is this hopeless or what? Any advice or experience would be helpful.

Cnf..

I can't believe that people can actually think in the same manner as your bf. Just curious, what is the reason why you decided to have children outside of marriage? Have you determined by your bf told you that he wanted to leave? My ex-wife told me the same line too.

What is the latest in your situation?

Bry

I think the same principles apply, although I would guess the success rate is probably higher when there is a formal legal commitment.

As for being only 2.5 months, it may well have been going on longer...in fact, I would venture a guess that it has.

Any idea when the proposed wedding is supposed to be?

Am sorry you are hurting. Know the feeling well. Was married almost 20 yrs and had four children at home and caught mine with a girl almost 19 years younger than him. I heard the line to, it wasn't going on...

Let it go, this man is not worth it...

As hard as it is, enjoy your child and start your life over with someone who deserves you.

It certainly would be more difficult for Mike to run off and marry someone else on a whim had you been married, but aside from that, I don't know what could have stopped him.

To some people, marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper that can be reversed. It's so important to identify WHY you want to be married...and probably pretty important that the two reasons match.

Sorry...I know I'm not answering your questions. I don't think I can. Will he come back? Who knows. Statistics? I don't know, but also don't know if it really matters what happened to other people. Most people in this forum believe that living together before marriage is a recipe for disaster, so it might be difficult to get much information about statistics on this type of thing.
If I were you, I'd focus on what you can do to bring him back to your family if that is what your goal is. You basically need to decide to go on with life without him (working with him regarding his parental role for your daughter), or try to attract him back in an honest and loving way. If you can get him back, marriage really should be discussed. If he cannot commit to marriage, he probably cannot commit to staying with you and your daughter and you're probably setting yourself up for more misery.

The Harley concepts are designed for married couples, but are very useful for any longterm relationship. Read up on it. Maybe post your question in a forum with more traffic. I started asking my premarital questions here, but quickly moved to the Emotional Needs forum because not many people post here.

Btw, messages like the one posted by hamincold are pretty much frowned upon here. This poster is new and may not realize this. This forum is pro-marriage...or in our case, pro-relationship. People who cannot support that perspective are missing the point of this web site. Cnf, I recommend posting in the EN forum...I think you'll get many more responses.

Hang in there.
Smile