My wife of three years who I have been with for 4 came to me two months ago and told me she wanted to leave me and move out. This came as a complete surprise to me as we did not have severe or often fights, we did not cheat, we did not have money issues, we spent quality time with each other and everything other than sex was great. We always had problems with sex as she did not want it, pretty much at all. It started out not often also 1 time every other week at the start and went to 1 time every few months. I would try quite often, but it was not an important thing to me, I thought our relationship was, but I respected her when she said no each week I tried. But I come to find out that this is the main reason she left me. I asked if we could work on it and we went to a counselor for a month, but she did not seem to really open up during the sessions, nor did she even seem like she wanted to try. She kept saying I think it is too far gone and I have lost my desire toward you and don't foresee me getting it back. She told me all this and moved out within a month and seemed to have her mind made up from the start. We said we would work on it, and that she would explore herself sexually as she never did, but 3 weeks later she still has not done anything. She said she wanted her independence and did not want to have responsibilities of a marriage anymore. By the way she is 24 and I am 32. But she keeps going out with a few guys she knows, spent the night a few times, she says no sex or intimacy with them, which I do believe. And she talks on the phone till 1 to 2 am with a girlfriend of hers till she falls asleep because she can't sleep alone and does not like being alone. But if she wanted her independence why is she leaning on all these people for support. It seems like she is not trying to fix anything or explore herself or even consider herself married. She takes her rings off when she goes to get-togethers of friends of hers and goes to clubs. I still consider myself married and love her very much and wanted to at least try to work things out to give it a chance. She still says she loves me, we talk every other day and see each other about 1 time a week, more like friends than husband and wife. I am getting books like: Rekindling desire, Resurrecting Sex, The sex starved marriage and Everything you know about sex is wrong. Because I want to try and fix things. But should I keep trying or consider it a lost cause. Because if she is not getting her alone time, not exploring herself, and relying on all these other people to help her feel not lonely, how can I expect her to work on us when she is not even working on herself learning what is bothering her. She has never had a good sex drive, she says she has never had an Orgasm, she never performed oral sex on me, but has on other guys three times she said before me. I just don't want us to throw away a marriage that we worked on and that is great other than sex, because she might have a sexual disjunction or something. I just see a pattern of her leaning on people and moving on and on and on. I know we are so good together. She has not even told her parents she has separated from me either? Why? I feel she is just running away from the problem rather than addressing it. I would go to other counseling if I thought it would help but the last one either did not ask the right questions or could not see through what she said. Anyway if you can give me any advice I would sure appreciate the help.

If she spent the night with a guy, she probably slept with him. She is keeping you on a string while she plays around. She might come back, she might not.

If she is seeing you once a week, I doubt that this M is going anywhere. My advice is for you to go to counseling and to start moving on with your life.

hi!
why don't you put your post under emotional issues board
there are more people there to talk to..

I am sorry but if she is spending the night with another man..she probably is sleeping and having sex with him.

perhaps she says she lost her desire for you as an excuse to leave and play around.

can you talk to a minister and get his opinion
also maybe you can go to a retreat together
for married couples..

I will pray that you can find the help you need.
was she molested as a child or raped at any time>?

she isn't being honest with you..I am sure your in a lot of pain and confused..it isn't just a sex issue..so find some other books that will help
ask in emotional board what are some good ones to read they will tell you..

God bless and keep on keeping on..
EarthAngel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It would seem like you need to treat this as an affair, which it probably is.
You will need to go for plan A and then plan B.
Read harley's stuff dealing with surviving an affair.

All the best,
Menachem

My husband has lost his desire, but I sort of know the reason why. It has nothing to do with me or us or our marriage. I think it has alot to do with what his priorities are....I don't think that I am his priority. His work and what he can succeed in seems to be more of his drive. This is a complex I think he developed from his father pushing him to be the best so much. He feels that if he can sacrafice things now that he is young and now when we don't have kids...it will be for the best. What he doesn't realize is that I am losing the desire for our relationship all together. I am depressed and I feel horrible all the time. I got no attention, no touch, nothing. Its hard but I would not even consider leaving....I believe this will pass with help and time.

Trying..

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your situation was almost exactly like mine in every sense except my ex-wife had an affair in which she was exposed to having. Do you have children??? Your wife seems like a very selfish and self-absorbed person. She is not acting in the best interest of the marriage and disrespecting you as well. If she is not willing to try and meet your needs in this relationship, I would consider dissolving the marriage. This is NOT easy, but I don't think you would like to be miserable for the rest of your life with someone who has no idea what "marriage" means.

I wish you the very best.

Your wife is not being honest with either you or herself.
First, there are some medical problems which manifest as a lack of libido. She needs to go see her OB/Gyn and rule this out.
Second there many emotional situations (childhood abuse etc.) that also decrease libido.
Third, she really could be having an affair. My H was not meeting my emotional or physical needs. My response was a decreased desire that lasted for many years and then culminated in an A.
These are not mutually exclusive options- it's prob a combination.
Most likly she needs some counseling on her own to try to figure out her own needs, communication skills, etc.
Good luck

I have some of these problems with my girlfriend. She has a very low libido, but assures me that it is not because of me. I see this becoming even more of a problem in the future if its not corrected, and we've been together for two years. But the difference is, she is willing to work on it, whereas your "wife" seems to not be willing. I do believe that your wife is cheating on you. However, i don't believe that she is telling you these things to "string you along". I believe she is employing a tactic used by many males on women. Treating you like dirt until you are finally the bad guy and break it off. Now, why is she not living with you if you are husband and wife? It seems she is really trying to provoke you into ending it, sad to say <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Taking off her rings when she goes out with people means she doesn't want people to know that she is attached to anybody, and that is unacceptable. I realize from my own personal experience that it is very hard to break off a relationship that you already know to be dead, but sometimes it is your only option. Her not weraing her rings is degrading to you and you cannot stand for it. She has obviously lost her love and is waiting for you to deliver the finishing blow, so muster up some courage and some dignity, and finish what she started, and good luck in the future

I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT. It takes two people to be willing to work on a relationship to make it work. I don't think sex is the only underlying issue why she is leaving, there has to be more to the story. It shows strength for you to come and seek assistance. I think you should try to find out what she is wanting in a relationship. Which of your needs is being met by your relationship, are you happy in your relationship?

Uh, Cherry,

You do realize you are responding to a post tha ti stwo years old?