Hello, I am new to MB but have been perusing it and find it interesting.

I love my H and want to keep my marriage but H does not have any desire for sex or intimacy. This has been going on for six years.

We get along fine, I have kept in shape and consider myself physically attractive but he just does not have any desire for any type of closeness.

I do not know what to do. I have asked H about this and he always says he does not know why?

Shelly,

I sure hope you get a response to this. I'm in the exact same situation.

I'm a very sexual person and this problem finally caused a major problem that my husband does not know about. That's why and how I found MB. I had an encounter with a man I met at a work conference. We're still in touch.

I've read the whole, "Ending an affair:the end" and considered it, but just remembering that night reminds me that I'm a desirable woman and still give me butterflies. Besides, is staying in touch over email really an affair? I know, I'm justifying. I don't want to stop talking to this person. I'd PREFER that my marriage had the normal components that would satisfy me, but as with ShellyL, it does not.

Shelly, I guess I told you all of this because I want you to know you're not alone and I want you to see what may happen to you if we don't find a fix. I'm not a hussy or even a sneaky person. Anyway, eventually, when your guard is down, you may mess up too. Can anyone help us?

Is it fair for society to expect us to live in a sex-less marriage?

Supposed to feel guilty but don't,
Challenged

I am a man whose wife abandoned our M nearly 6 months ago. I am praying for reconciliation. Our M was basically sexless for most of our 23 years. Only after she left did I find out she and her siblings had been molested by their father. I did all I could to help her but she withheld this critical info from me. She has a fear of man and could not, or would not, seek a healthy sexual focus. You are to be commended for desiring good sex and I'm sorry about your H's lack of interest. Perhaps there is something they are struggling with that they won't share about with you? Are you in counseling? Have you tried to satisfy your H's EN's? Are you physically unappealing? Do they have physical conditions that contribute to their frigidity? Give us some more info and we can offer some insights. Thanks.

Promise Keeper,

You make some good points I'd never considered. I know he was adopted as an infant. His adoptive parents were never that close. In fact, I know they had separate bedrooms for the few years before he left her for another woman.

We've seen a counselor before. Our sex life has improved before. Still the initiative is NEVER his. I don't even want to be intimate with him if it's my idea anymore.

He does complain about his back. No, I'm a 28 yr old hottie who's never been in better shape or weighed so little! I think this self-improvement is due to a need for sexual attention from the husband.

I just don't know. Shelly?

He definitely has a mental block to a healthy sexual relationship. Perhaps the back problem contributes to this. I would suggest insisting that he have a complete medical workup first to eliminate any possible physical problems. Secondly, while doing all you can to meet his EN's, try to get him back into counseling. This is definitely not normal behavior, especially at your ages. You certainly have a right to expect your EN and SF needs be met. This IS NOT an excuse for an affair, so don't give in to that temptation. He didn't have a good example of normality in his childhood, but he needs to face his issues and grow up. You can help him by consistent encouragement but at the same time hold him accountable. Hope this helps and God bless.

ShellyL and Challenged:

My marriage, I think is mostly breaking up because of sexual problems. There was a lot of communications problems and a lack of touching but all this came AFTER health problems that I had. My W is very attractive and very young looking for being 49.

7 years ago I had heart bypass surgery. It didn't go well and my lungs were damaged. I could still have sex but nothing like before and I was in pain afterwards for years. My W thought I didn't want her because she had put on weight. I accepted things as they were since no doctor seemed to be able to help. It was a bad coincidence. Sex dwindled down to once every few months, and then she was disinterested.

Later I was diagnosed with low levels of testosterone. I was recruited into a study for hormone replacement therapy. It made all the difference, but it was too late. She had experienced too much emotional damage. Some people are stronger than others. When I tried to have sex with my W she said intimacy was gone and she "loved me like a brother". She moved out to think things over. Three months into the separation she ran into an old boyfriend and they are intimate. She will be filling for divorce soon. I don't condone her choices but I understand her motivation. Maybe it will work out for her, but it crushed me.

I told you all of this because it is very important for your commitment to support and convince your husbands that you want to help them search for a solution to their low libido. The cause may be like mine and easily remedied once the problem is known. A Urologist or Endocrinologist can tell if there is a hormone problem. Desire can be lost for physical or mental reasons. Most sexual dysfunction is physical and not mental. Check the physical first, it's a lot easier.

Hopefully you can approach your husbands in a kind supporting way to seek help for this problem. Intimacy is an important part of marriage. I know of men who are impotent for various reasons but still have desire for their wives and please their them (and themselves) in what ever way they can and seem to have very happy marriages.

Be honest and relate your emotional and physical needs to your husbands instead of like my wife. I had no idea she was so unhappy. She kept her pain and frustration inside. I would seek professional help BEFORE approaching your husbands about this because of it's delicate nature.

Keep us posted on this. I would very much like to hear that you and your husbands are happy and intimate again.

Hurting Promise Keeper & Monty--
I feel for you both and certainly understand your positions and how you are feeling now. This is my story giving the opposite view..

I am 45, my H is 55 and was injured while having surgery to his lower spine in 1977. He and I have lived through countless medical truama's and near-death experiences related to this horrible event. Due to the medications required to abate somewhat his 24/7 nerve pain in his back/legs-he had to have all his teeth pulled and dentures made. VERY painful done pretty much all at once (to shorten time without teeth!). But, it took 5 months total to get his set of teeth he now has, which look fine. However, our marriage is breaking down due to the absence of a sexual relationship whatsoever over the last 6 years. YEARS!
I have never been a sex maniac-once or twice/week was fine with me, as we have 5 children between us and were quite happy and busy in the other parts of our lives together. However, I heard this was true and never believed it...but a woman's sexuality and sexual needs DO flourish once she hits her 40's. Mine certainly have, and this is definitely causing a huge rift in our R. H hates this situation, and of course he feels threatened and has suffered a lack of self-esteem,lowered ego,etc.
He has used testosterone patches to no avail in the past. His problem is simply due to nerve damage to his spinal cord by his surgeons. I know this, I know he desires me and wants as badly as I to go back to the warm,loving R we once enjoyed. But, this will never happen. Even he has acknowledged this.
So, here's my dilemma: I need more from my marriage and he can no longer provide what is lacking. We have 3 older teens who would be torn apart if we divorced. I do not wish to have an affair and he would not condone an "open" marriage situation; however, I just don't know how much longer I can abide this situation. I already take 2 different antidepressants to aid me in dealing with this enormous stress, as he requires quite a lot of care as well. Our deep"love" for one another has been reduced to that of "companionship-like" love. I have communicated my feelings and needs,etc. exhaustedly, along with my unhappiness due to our current lifestyle,lack of sex and touching. I pray daily that God will heal him and allow us to resume our once wonderful R, but this is unlikely to occur.
So, what am I to do? I'm sorry that I'm not cut out to be a Nun for the rest of my life. Yet, I feel guilty at thinking of leaving him at the same time. We are both in such emotional pain right now, and yes, we are going to see a marriage counsellor soon. But, the bottom line is: If our marriage stays intact, I must forfeit my life and how I live it, for him. Completely and Forever. Am I being selfish? Is this situation fair to me?
Any answers for us out there? Please pray for us, and.....
Thanks for listening! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> mystiklady88@aol.com

Please don't take my response as being critical or harsh. I care for you both and I can sense your frustration (try 23 years of very sporadic affection and SF). There are certainly ways your H can give you sexual release - research these techniques and apply them. This will require release of certain inhibitions you both may have and will involve a different thought process to accomplish SF. Remember the old saying, "Where there is a will there is a way".

An affair or D is not going to solve your problem and will just add more grief to the family. These options look attractive right now but they are the path to disaster.

Is there not some medication you can take to lower your libido, instead of anti-depressants?

I would encourage you both to thoroughly research other solutions before doing anything rash. God bless!

Forgive me if I seem harsh as well. I do not have and over active sex drive but I do feel twice in nine months is not normal for forty year old individuals.

At which both times I initiated it. I do not claim to be a perfect person and sometimes pride takes into play. My mind struggles with that sometimes. Is it me, my body, lack of love, if he does have sex with me is it because he feels obiligated?

For 18 of your 20 year relationship sex was wonderful, he just shut down completely on me.

There has been and udate though, I finally threatened to leave stating I have always put him, his career and the children first and for once in my life I was going to think about me.

He made and appointment with a counselor and has now acknowledged things are not normal. I have attended one of his sessions at his request.

I have longed for his touch for so long (because I truly love him) and find out he has been taking care of business weekly alone in the shower.

That was not and easy thing to hear. I feel lied to because of his denial for two years and his explanation was he didn't want to make waves!

Now I have a lot of soul searching to do because even though I love him I do not know if I can continue in this relationship with the answer of "I do not know why".

I agree with ShellyL. It is not normal. I know this because I have lived it most of my 21 years of marriage.

The pain of wanting someone's touch only to be rejected is a terrible experience. Over time it erodes your self-esteem and your marriage.

Our marriage went into a downward spiral. At first sex life was great, daily, then every other, then weekly, then monthly, the less.

I tried everything, I teased him, I threw temper tantrums, I started fights hoping to make up. Nothing worked. I then gave up, we slept in seperate rooms for a few years (pain of having someone next to you who doesn't want you is worse).

My husband then had an affair. Thought I didn't love him. Funny, huh?

My advice is if you love him, don't give up, keep trying to get through to him. Chances are that he has problems expressing his love and it is hard for him to go there when emotions are heavily involved.

Husband and I now have a great sex life, but we almost lost everything getting here.

Good luck!

Booby - What specific things did you two do to get back on track sexually? I need some insight because I'm not gonna give up. Please keep in mind my W was molested by her father and has sexual hangups. I was unaware of the abuse as she never shared this with me in 23 years of M. If it's too explicit maybe I can communicate with your H. I really appreciate the advice and God bless!

All,

Wow. I can tell I'm not alone. The feeling of rejection and losing self esteem is so real.

I'm not really sure why, but my husband has recently stepped up to 2ish times a week. This is a radical improvement from maybe once a month. He's 32 and I'm 28!!! His problem? Laziness. Seriously. I know that sounds silly, but I tested it.

I went to the "Adult store" with a girlfriend of mine and got the following to single out the problem: something to postpone his fulfillment, a button that says "Orgasms are free, therapy is expensive, you decide." and some other little trinkets that were "fun" in spirit and still gave the message. They raised his curiosity. Anyway, when we used the postponement stuff he just quit! He didn't like it. (Imagine that?) I just said it's not about him this time and playfully/seriously "reprimanded" him. Every time he quit.

It trick was keeping it "light and fun" while being firm about the message. IT WORKED.

Libido's up!