My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 years living together for 14.At first it did'nt bother me but, now it really bothers me.I've been going to church when I can with our two children.They go every sunday.I grew up in a very religious family.I think I let him move in at 1st to spite my parents.I want to get married but,he does'nt and expects everything to stay the same.I want to get married or go our seperate ways.He has opcessisive compulsive disorder which causes great misery to our relationship.We see his counseler every 3 weeks to try to work through the problems.They mailnly are about him being so opionated and his rude attitude which he say's is his OCD.I'm really at my wits end to get my point across to him.Any ideas would be helpfull.

I want to warn you that living together before marriage increases the likelihood of having an abusive marriage. This has been shown statistically in many studies, and I myself have lived it.


Have you read the Basic Concepts out here?

Hello DeDe101,
It's been a very long time since I've been in a relationship similar to yours. Similar, in that I was living with someone for an extended period (although not as long as yours).
It sounds as though you have discussed your desire to marry with him and he dismisses it. This in itself is very hurtful. It's as if you are good enough to life with but not to make a real committment too. Ouch. And his OCDC can be a major interference in his decision making.

In my situation it took a major life event to make me take a stand. He was almost killed in a car accident. When I went to the hospital I wasn't allowed to see him because I was not "related". When his parents spoke up and said I was his fiance I was allowed in. But when he was aware that they were referring to me as his fiance he made sure everyone knew I was not. This truly hurt. I had sacrificed a lot to be with him thoughout our time together and even during his hospital stay, just to be dismissed as someone who wasn't really part of his life.
When he was released from the hosp. I couldn't stand it much longer and I asked him if he would ever marry me. He said "maybe in 2 years or so, if things got better". We had a long conversation that night and I realized that his "2 years" meant that he never intended to marry me. I had been holding out hope for so long that he would someday see the positive side to being married to me and would change his mind, but now I could see that no matter how good it was he would never take that step. I realized that I was the one who had to make a decision at that point. I could stay knowing that it would never progress and I would feel worse about me and our situation. OR I could take charge of MY life and I could say that Living Together wasn't good enough for me...this would mean that I would have to live life without him, but then I realized that it wasn't much of a life when I wasn't feeling that I was good enough for him to marry. And I KNEW I was GOOD enough for someone.
It took a lot of courage but I left him. Funny thing was, after about 3 month of me living my own life and regaining some of my self esteem he began to be interested in me again. I didn't know it but I had been in Plan B. I realized that I could live without him instead of living with him and feeling so bad. I waivered for awhile after we started dating again. But it was never right, I realized that he was only in it for himself and that HE was the one with a problem of commitment. You see, all along I believed that there was something lacking in me if he didn't want to marry me. Once I realized it was him and not me, I also realized that I could do much better. Not just because I could find someone who would marry me, but because I deserved someone who wanted to marry me, and even more because I felt that being by myself was more healthy than being with someone who doesn't care about my feelings.

Sorry I've run on with this... What I'm trying to get at is. You need to decide if you can continue to live with someone who doesn't or can't take your feelings into consideration, or you can go to Plan B.
In Plan B I bet he will come back to you with lots of promises that you are welcome to take. And maybe losing you for a while is what it will take to make him see the light...but also remember it will give you time to see the light too.

I realize that there are children involved which makes your situation harder. But do you really want them to think of this as a good healthy relationship pattern that they should follow?

I hope that I have at least given you something to think about.

ASM

Thankyou for replying.I have been thinking about a plan B.Which he knows about and, he tries to make me feel guilty about it.I wonder all the time if I go to plan B.Will my kids hate me for it.He is a good father to them.And, he truly loves them. My 8 year old is very attached to him.He say's he won't leave and he has'nt worked in almost 2 years.Because of his OCD. I feel so ashamed of myself letting things get so far out of control.I'm afraid to talk to the minister of the church I go to about this.They might not wantthe kids and I go there if they know the real situation.They just assumed I'm married.And,If I kick him out he has no where to go.How do I explain that to my children.

Why would your kids be mad at you in Plan B? No one stops seeing or talking with the children in Plan B.

By the way, I think after living together after 7 years you are considered married by common law. Good luck-Jersey Girl

after living together after 7 years you are considered married by common law.
But that is far from actually getting married by standing up in front of friends/family/God and making a vocal commitment to each other.

agree-