Hello, I just logged on to this forum. I have been reading Marriage builders for several months. I have found many stories and direction from the site, however I was looking for anyone who has lived it in detail so here goes.
3 months ago I discovered my W was telling me she was going out with her friend this happened +/- 3 times. I got suspicious when she told me she had a business meeting to attend on a friday night. Being in the same business I was aware that no such meeting was being held so I played along and did some research. What I found was that her Cell and our house phone bills showed numerous calls on her day off and on her way home were being placed to a worker at her building. When I called the number I got a voicemail it was another man. She arrived home early that night he never showed I found out later. When I confronted her of her wereabouts she lied then when I presented eviedence gave gave in. She then informed me she did not deserve me and that she did not love me like a W should love her H. I questioned what was going on with her. We were in the late stages of the adoption procedure and she asked to hold off on it for now. We were adopting because after several years of trying everything she was unable to have children, I was ok with that and told her I love her for her and if these were the cards we were delt if she was up to it I wanted to play, so she agreed to adopt. Now she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me! I asked if there is someone else she says no He was just a friend and someone she spoke to to get a mans perspective on what she was feeling ( I don't tottally buy it yet)
Over the recent months I have been watching the phone bills and ALL calls have stopped from her to him however there were two occassions he called her so I confronted him and asked him not to contact her or he can take all the problems with him also. She also has some childhood issues she is working through. Last month she was telling me she was moving out and that she needed space to sort things out. So the outraged H that I am I said if she did it would end that day. I told her if she wanted help I was here if she left I was not a second choice to anyone. She looked for an apartment for 2 months (this one is to small, that one expensive this one to long of a lease, excuse after excuse) She finally found a place and told me all about it. I told her I was not her brother and that I didn't care about her apartment I said if your leaving just go! She was packing for 4 weeks and 2 days before my deadline to move out she had everything lined up but did not sign the lease and told me she wanted to stay and go to counseling to work it out. I said fine but for her to find the counseler and make the appointment she did. For several weeks I watched my back and did research to make sure he was gone for good, but then I found a note in her work papers from someone that read "When can I see you, I love You 7 times" When I confronted her regarding the note she claimed she never saw it and that It wasn't from him because he is not the type to write notes but that she would handle it needless to say I was pissed and took it out on her. I then scheduled a solo vacation for one week on an island. She stayed alone at home. I only called once to say I was still alive and that I was having the time of my life. Which I was but no other woman. They were around me and talked to me (I am sort of attractive, but I behaved well, I am to moral even in these surcumstances to be foolish) When I returned home she was calm, I asked if she missed me she said she missed my company. Thats it. (Did I expect more yes I did) She goes on like nothing is wrong. She says she needs time to get her head screwed on straight and that I don't give her a chance. Truth be told I can be very compassionate and patient but with all this I can also be hurtful and relentless. She tells me I need to stop punishing her for her past mistakes and that nothing happened between her and the OM what does she have to do to prove it! I saw show me you want us to work by your action then. But I get nothing. I then discovered she has a calling card she has been using. When I confronted her I told her again to get out that it would be best if she left now and stop wasting my time. She claims that she uses it because I don't need to know how she calls, and that I am like the FBI always watching what she does. I responded that she needs to built trust in me and that she just screwed that up. Enough details you should get the picture.
She planned a vacation after Christmas in retaliation of my vacation. On christmas eve I was driving her car and her cell phone rang Quess who yes OM I met him once and had a conversation with him when this all went down originally so I told him he did not have to stop calling her, he insisted he was calling to wish her a merry X-mas and a safe trip. (She is not with him she is on vacation with my cousin, wife and kids) Well I got home I was not happy and again my serpant tounge went to work. I told her thats it she got her divorce. She begged and cryed telling me she had no control over him calling and that again there is nothing going on nor was there ever anything between them that he is a nice guy with problems of his own Marital, recovering from drugs / alcohol family issues etc. One thing is for sure he is not her type, and can't shine my shoes ( no offense to shoe shinners there great)
Next she is on vacation and I started reading His needs Her Needs and I am thinking maybe it's pretty common after 16 years together to go through this. Note that for the 16 years we have known each other and the 11 years of marriage I didn't see a problem until a couple of years ago after the infirtility issues that she did lose interest in sex. I thought it was a result of her inability and woman things so I reasured her that I love her and it was going to be ok. I do pamper her and she gets what she wants. That may explain why she is spoiled and gets her way often, not this time!
I am rambiling on She is currently on vacation now for 4 days and I miss her terribly WHY?
I sent her flowers today and told her I miss her. She sould be receiving them any hour now, there is a big time zone difference between us right now. What should I do will someone help?

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 07:28 AM: Message edited by: goodhusband1 ]</small>