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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 2
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losthwy Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 2
My boyfriend and I met online two and half years ago, we were both married at the time. We have been living together alittle over 20 months now. While we were still married we lived together and we went through the divorces together..Now we are both divorce this Sept he will be divorce two years and in July it will be a year for me. My question is: What is the rate of us having a good long marriage? I had been married for twenty-two years and he had been married twelve years. There is a eight years diffences in our ages (I'm older). We have talked about getting married but we just don't set a date as yet. Thanks.

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1
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Joined: Mar 2004
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Oh my God! you sound so much like me! I also met my bf online 2 and a half years ago and I am 8 years older than he is! We've been living together for about 1 year now but neither one of us was married, I was separated for about 7 years and have an 8 years old daughter. We have also talked about marriage and even thought of possible dates but he doesn't like talking about it now, he says I'm pressuring him. I feel very unhappy about it. About your post, I thnk the rates of you two being married are mainly up to you both and as long as you're both talking about marriage there is still hope, just don't delay it!
I'm interested in the replies to your post so will be checking in, nice making your aquaintance.

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 680
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If you met while you were married... regardless of how unhappy you were in that marriage... if it was an affair, then the odds of you working things out statistically, are miserable.

Normal, best of circumstance marriages, fail within 5 years 50% of the time. Marriages based on affairs usually fail within 2 years 80% of the time... if I remember correctly. I can't give you the reference for that stat, but if you look around on the net or go read some books in the bookstore, you'll find that stat. 2nd marriages as a whole have DV rates comparable to 1st marriages but are a little more likely to break up.

You've been together a long time it sounds like. Maybe you'll hit the lottery and be lucky as is. Statistics are really meaningless at certain levels but they help you understand what you're up against. The interesting question isn't "Will I fall into this statistic?" but "Am I subject to the conditions that created this statistic?"

Example: The affair into marriage stat is caused because the 2 people meet under such strange circumstances... the secrecy, the rush, the fog... it's not normal life. When you get married, you've already created the "expectation" of what marriage will be like... and unfortunately that includes the notion that when you're unhappy you go off and find someone else. Quid pro quo marriages don't work very well and they fail miserably in triangles.

I don't know where you are. Good luck.

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
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Joined: Jul 2000
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Other than you were both miserable in your last marriages why did you get divorced?

Did you try and save your marriages?

What have you learned about yourselves post divorce?

Have you looked at why your last marriages didn't work out, and what part each of you played in those failed marriages?

How do you handle conflicts now that are different than in your last marriages?

There are some questions I posted to WonderMom on her thread that you can ask yourselves as well--

but if you haven't acknowledged your own failings in your past marriages and worked to improve those areas--the chances of your having a lasting relationship---are greatly hindered--

Do you trust each other? I mean--if you BOTH had affairs to start this relations--how can you trust each other now?? what makes this relationship different than the last??

You say you met online--do you both still spend a lot of time online?

Just a few things to consider--


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