I am a 45 year old, divorced Mom with 2 kids. B14, G9.

Last June, I had fallen for a 48 year old man who was also divorced, and had never had kids of his own. His ex was older than he, and never wanted children.

When I met this man, he said he wanted a "family" life. He said he knew what he was getting in to, with me having kids, and
he certainly knew, I was a package deal.
When he moved to be with us, he put "moving to join my new family" on his resume'.

We have been together in my home since November. As time has gone by, I found him to become more critical of my kids, and maybe jealous of them.
It seems that he doesn't understand my parenting technique, and doesn't understand what is normal behavior for kids their age.
We have had many misunderstandings concerning the kids, and talk about them, but I don't know that he realizes that when he criticizes them, it hurts me, even though I have told him.
I don't expect him to love my kids, as a father, but I really thought he would be more understanding, and patient.
He is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I feel torn between him, and my kids... and the kids are my breath. My heart is breaking.
I don't know what to do.
cmb

WonderMom,

I'm going to have to disagree with you that he is the "best thing" that has happened to you--

especially if he has moved in with you and has begun critizing not only your children--but your parenting style--


"but I don't know that he realizes that when he criticizes them, it hurts me, even though I have told him."

TR--If you have told him this--then he does know and realizes it hurt's you--and seems to be ignoring it--and not taking your feelings into consideration--

I would suggest you ask him to move out of your home--and find a place of his own--then the two of you DATE each other for awhile--

get together with some friends and watch how he interacts with them--

marriage is a huge step--I'd also suggest you read the book Blended Families--I realize he doesn't have kids--but, you we be trying to figure out how to blend your family of three with his family of one--

I'd also recommend getting pre-marriage counseling
you may think this strange but there are LOTS of issues that can come out during counseling that you may over look--because you feel he is "the best thing" that has come into your life--

Does he encourage you to grow?
What are his expectations of marriage?
What are yours?
Do you feel radically accepted by him?
Do you look at the world in similiar ways?
What is most important to you? to him?
Are you able to connect to each other when you communicate?
How do you each deal with conflict?
Can you both admit when your wrong? or does one always take the blame?
How does he view a role as a husband? what is your view?
What is your view of the role of a wife? what is his?

These are just a few questions we covered in pre-marriage counseling--so maybe they will help you

I agree with Thorned rose. Counselling and perhaps living seperately.

If he has no children of his own then he jumped right into trying to be a father.

It's not that easy. I'm sure you know that being a parent is a learning experience that develops as you raise your children. Mine are DD 10,8,5&3 so I know that trying to be a good father is a lot of work.

Maybe he just needs time to adapt more to being a parent and to your parrenting ideals. Counseling and living seperately would probably help that.

I don't usually encourage seperation of any sort, but it sounds like he and your family did not get the time to grow together.

Maybe moving in happened a bit premature. As the others have said, have him move out, enjoy dating a little longer, invite him to go on outings with you and your children. Perhaps he was a little over eager to please you, and you him, so there wasn't enough time to become familiar with a new situation.

Taking a class together may help both you understand a bit more from where the other person is coming from. If he's teh "best thing" , he'll willing do this to make your relationship work, because right now it's not.

All the best.

When my husband was younger his mother met someone and they were married pretty quick. She told her new husband that her son would always be very important. At first things went well but after a little while he began to resent my husband and started treating him badly. Especially when his mom wasn't around. Just remember that your primary responsibility is to your children. They deserve a positive loving influence. And you deserve someone who can back you up and provide disciplinary support. I agree with everyone else. You should back up, see how things go and see if they could work out.

WonderMom

I know it's been awhile since anyone's posted on this, so I hope you read this.

Your situation sounds SO much like mine right now! I have three kids. My live-in boyfriend has a son who is 10, but my boyfriend has not been a full-time, live-in parent since his son was 3 and has lived at a distance from his son some of the years since then. My boyfriend also said he knew what he was getting himself into and wanted that. He also has gotten critical since then. That's been the number one issue in our relationship and we have been working very hard at reconciling our parenting techniques.

But a friend of mine said something one day that put it all in such good perspective for me. He said that I've had my kids around for 15 years. I've been able to grown with them, learn about being a parent as time has gone by, making adjustments where necessary. But my boyfriend was tossed into the midst of things without that kind of gradual process.

I think of it as being like walking into a lake. I started out at the shore, wandering out bit by bit so that by the time I got to where the water was too deep to walk, I was used to the water and knew how to keep my head above it. My boyfriend was tossed into the middle of the lake and still has to learn all that stuff that I was able to learn gradually and incorporate gradually.

This subject is very close to my heart because I always feel like the middleman between my husband and my son from my first marriage. We have another son together and that son gets his way all of the time and the total opposite happens toward my first son. H is always degrading FS father (which is something I never do) This is the #1 ongoing problem in my marriage. It is taking a toll on my emotions.

I think part of it is jealousy on my H part. I put my childrens needs above mine and his. I wish I had something to add to help WonderMom, but basically I have the same questions.

Julie--

There is a book called--Blended Families--I'd recommend the two of you read that--

And you can't put your kids needs above your marriage--your spouse comes first--that doesn't mean you negelect your kids--but it does mean you need to find a balance--

If it means you show your husband affection ie: hugging and kissing in front of your kids--do that--if it means you go in one room and spend time talking to your husband while your kids watch tv or play a game--you do that--if they fight--then you stand together--make a set of rules for your home--and the two of you sit down w/ the kids and discuss them--

If your husband disciplines your FS in a manner you disagree with do not argue or make a comment about it in front of the kids--take it private--and discuss it--share with him why you feel the punishment was to harsh--but also be willing to listen to his reasons on being harsh--

Dear WonderMom: I have some questions if I might ask? How was conflict resolved in your first marriage? Did you and your former spouse have resolution where the kids were the issue? I would agree with the other women who voiced concerns...Why is he living with you? Is this the try before I buy deal? How do your kids 'feel' about this man in their home? How is their relationship with this man? Is he on better terms with the son, or daughter?
He has never had kids so he is new to the challenge. He doesn't have a right to intervene when he isn't VESTED. He is not the step-father, he is the live-in. He is definitely old enough to have matured. One would hope.
I am very CONCERNED that he isn't required to love them. WHY not?? They are worthwhile human beings and your kids. He should not have to muster up the stuff to love them. If he isn't giving hisself to them, then why not?? They are not mature indivduals at 14,9. They are children. They do not have to earn his love. It is there or not.
If not, then you need to think about your children's lives. They have had to deal with the divorce from their father. They have had to deal with the livein boyfriend. Your son(maybe)will need some guidance from a Mature male. He is growing into a man everyday. His future will be based in part on his childhood.
There are several books that are helpful. Since girls seem to get all the press..Look for Dr. Dobson's "Bringing Up Boys". It is a very insightful book. Like Dr.Harley's books listed and inferred here.
This man maybe the best thing for you but have you asked your children what they think?? I would talk to each of them separately and with age appropriate subject matter to get their input. Any decisons you make as their mother will affect their lives. You will always be these kids mother but not always this man's girlfriend.
You might consider moving slower with things and get answers to very important questions. How is his relationship with his ex-wife? How long did he stay with a woman who didn't want kids? He is now with one who has kids...A red flag for me....
How was he raised within his parents home? How does he think his folks did in the parenting skills? Does he have siblings you can talk to?
Family secrets can be damaging if you find them out too late. If you can ask...then do. Save your children from the heartache of causal relationships. They are watching and learning everything about relationships by your example. You should think about your actions and how what you do or don't do AFFECTS 3 people. They can defend themselves at their ages...that is what you are suppose to do as their mother. Peace