I am engaged to be married this summer, and my Fiance and I made the mistake of talking ourselves into thinking it was ok to have sex since we were going to get married anyway. Well, there's a baby on the way, and a lot of hard choices as well. We are going to get married later this summer, and I am moving to her town to start a life there that will soon become ours. We are both committed to making our marriage the best it can be, and we realize there will be issues to work through, but we will work through them. Is it really that bad to live together before we get married? I've always thought so, but there are SO many issues that make it seem like a good possibility...finances, transportation, etc. We're committed to abstaining from sex till we get married...we've made that mistake once, we won't let it happen again. So is living together now such a bad idea? It's not like I can get an apartment for 3 months untill we get married!

P.S. I welcome the response of any moderators as well

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: Zeb83 ]</small>

Why not get married sooner! What is stopping ya? And if you are having a baby, then the deed has been done and being celebate is not going to be needed nor effective.

You had sex and are expecting a baby

You are getting married

You may as well live together

You may as well get married tomorrow if not sooner, forget tradition, just marry.

Have all the sex you want now. You are WAY beyond "not having sex before marriage" since she is pregnant. You cannot go back.

Celebacy will do nothing for you now since you cannot put the genie back into the bottle.

Hope it all works out for ya.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Pregnancy is crappy reason to get married. It's much too likely to lead to two unhappy people stuck together and ruining the life of third person.

That said, you stated that you were planning marriage before the pregnancy so...

Is there any chance that you won't get married? Before answering read the rest of this post. If there's any chance that you might not get married then don't have sex and don't live together. If you're going to get married then celibacy doesn't accomplish anything and there's no reason not to live together. In fact, go ahead and get married now as baba2 suggested. You don't need an expensive ceremony to make a marriage, just love, friendship, determination and patience.

If you're going to get married do it with your eyes (and mind) open. You're young so the plan is to be together for a long time. People grow and change as the age. The woman you're marrying today is not the one you'll be married to in 10 years. The man she's marrying is not the same one she'll be married to in 10 years.

People change, situations change, feelings change. Talk about EVERYTHING now. Talk about sex, talk about finances, talk about religion and philosophy and life views and raising children and... EVERYTHING.

Respect one another. In talking about EVERYTHING there will be points where you disagree. Respect the other persons views bur realize that if the disagreements is large enough it might be best not to get married. Better now than after the child is here.

Do not go blithely into this saying "we already talk about everything". Talk about it all again. Make a list of everything that really important to you and have her make one and then compare/contrast/discuss the lists.

Remember that what you feel today isn't the point, you're building a foundation for the future and in the future things WILL change. Have a plan for dealing with that before it happens. I highly suggest a mandatory, absolutely never skipped for any reason expect maybe death, renegotiation of your marriage every... six months? It doesn't really matter how often just talk.

Things that should probably be on your list for discussion:
Sex - If you are like most males then sex should probably be on your list of important things. Talk about what you want and how often you want it and how you will both deal with future changes in desire. Don't make it a chore for her though, you should both enjoy it. This caution will probably be more important in a few years.

Money - Spending habits, shortages, etc.

Annoyances - She'll do things that annoy you to no end and you'll do them to her. Don't let those little hurts sit and fester or they will become an infection that will destroy your relationship. Make a plan for how to deal with them. People are forgetful so don't be afraid to write them down and post them where you'll reminded not to leave the cap off the toothpaste (or whatever). Hint: That particular not should probably be attached to the toothpaste.

More on the above and related topics: Never, never, never ever let some little hurt go unnoticed. Even if it's something silly talk about it. If it hurt or annoyed you it wasn't that silly. If you can't talk right now write it on a whiteboard and deal with it later. If the whiteboard ever fills up it's past time to talk. Make it a small whiteboard.

Returning to the silly bit above - Be respectful of one another. Even if you think she's be silly take her seriously. No one likes to be blown off and it is the ultimate in disrespectful behavior.

Okay, I think I got the important parts out. Sorry that was so long but damn I wish someone had told me all that 17 years ago. I wasn't mature enough to get married but didn't know any better. I'm still married to her and I love but I really don't think we're right for one another that causes a lot of discontent. Here's hoping you do better, that everything works out and that you have a long and joyful life together.

Doh!!!

I forgot to tell you about the honeymoon. Normally a couple get's a period when it's just the two of them and they have total freedom to get freaky in any room of the house and generally to just be devoted to one another. You are not going to get that and that is going to make things harder. Children can cause tremendous stress to a marriage. The woman's sex drive can nose dive, the man can feel neglected because she is now devoted primarily to the children, etc, etc, ad nauseum. Get out your perpetual calendar now and mark down every Friday till hell freezes over as date night. This night is devoted to the two of you as a couple. It is about communication and romance and touching one another. You should probably mark down every eighth weekend or so as an extended date night. If it's at all practical be alone (together) for an extended period. If your parent's house is child free and live nearby you might swap houses with them for the weekend. You might find another married couple and take turns. You take their kids one weekend and they take yours the next. Spend time together without distractions. Once the kids can talk it's practically impossible to have a conversation without being interrupted. Oh, and if you're going to have more than one have them close together.

One last thing (I promise). Study. Marriage is a test that never ends. It's a really hard test but it's open everything. Open friends, parents, married couple next door, book, TV show, library, random guy on a bulletin board. You can find information anywhere that works for you. Marriage can be the best test you'll ever take, loads more fun that anything they have at school! Just never, ever, make the mistake of taking it for granted or it will bite you in the butt and cause both of you plus little innocent third parties no end of pain and suffering.

I'm not done, but I am going to stop now.

Good luck.

Zeb: I am thinking from your statement that it was a mistake to have sex before marriage, that this was against your value system. If yes, then why add to this. If you were planning on marriage, then this does challenge things. Have your discussed this with your and her parents. I would advise you to do this before you make any hasty decisions out of stress or fear. One misstep doesn't have to impact your and your childs life for the rest of your lives. Talk with your parents and get their input. This is their grandchild that you are talking about. I would caution you to talk everything over with your GF before you make any rash decisions. You may be surprised at how levelheaded and calm parents CAN be when the stakes are high. Peace