Okay, here's the deal. (kinda long)
My boyfriend and I will have been together 3 years this September. We are at college together, and since I don't have a roommate currently, he spends almost all his time in my room. We have talked about marriage, but we both want to get through university, and know that we are WAY young to take that step. (I'm 19 and he is 18.) The problem is, I have secured an apartment for this summer. I found a great job and will be staying up here. Since he lives four hours away, and he has a job on campus, and he has to take a summer class, it seems normal that he would live with me. I secured this lease with my parents as guarentors, the only requirement I didn't meet was the age requirement.
The thing is, if my parents knew I wanted to live with my boyfriend, they would probably not sign the lease and be really disappointed in me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (I have someone else to sign it in that case). Also, with the articles I have read, I am very much in love with my boyfriend and would not want to see our relationship end in such a way.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I hope that people will be able to see past the ages, and really on the issue: how do we solve the problem for this summer? He sees my not telling my parents as hiding, which he doesn't want to do, but I'm SO scared. On the positive side, if he stays with me he can help pay rent, in which case I can save more (he's on full scholarship).

HELP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: collegegirlie04 ]</small>

Hi Collegegirlie,
Welcome to MB. How awesome that you too found this site before marriage...it's an incredible relationship resource.

I think most people will be able to respond to your concerns without focusing on your young age, but please realize that your age IS a big part of the issue.

But regardless, if you are 19 or 27 (like me), the problems that can develop out of cohabitation for a couple who plans to marry are not worth the risk. Many of those problems are described in this web site and there is also a book you should buy called _Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders_ by Harley.

I was very pro-cohabitation before finding MB and really understanding the risks. When I moved in with my BF (we are getting married in a few months after being together for 5 years) I clung to the financial reasoning. Since then, that has been the predominant excuse that I've seen...that's why almost everyone moves in together...it is the most logical thing to do unless you are bursting at the seams with cash.
Now, I am very quick to discourage cohabitation. I am not religious and have no problems with premarital sex. I base my reservations purely on the trends toward marital failure after a couple has cohabitated. The marriage failure rate is already over 50% for first time marriages. That number leaps up for couples who lived together before marriage.
1) I encourage you to plan on living separately.
2) I encourage you to go out of your way to really understanding why that is the right decision for the benefit of your long-term relationship.

Run a search in this forum to see what other people have posted and what responses they got. Your situation may feel unique, but they never are when it is all said and done.

Best of luck,
Smile

If you have a decent relationship with your parents and you respect them don't lie to them. Your BF is definately right about not hiding, it's sullies the relationship and would be generally unhealthy.

The rent is irrelevant. If you can't afford it you can find a roommate besides him. Drop it from consideration.

I'm neither for or against cohabitation. It's a relationship that should probably be approached in exactly the same manner as marriage. I expound at length on my opinions about pre-marriage planning in another post so I won't repeat it here. I would suggest that you either take the relationship seriously or don't live together.

Your ages are irrelevant except that I think you're too young to get married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> By all means be together, enjoy being together, but I really wouldn't suggest tieing yourself down just yet. If it's really right it will still be right in a few years.

It sounds like you want to live together and the issue is your parents. You won't like this (and I don't blame you) but if they're going to sign the lease you should talk to them. Point out how respectful you're being by asking their opinion and mention that he didn't want to hide things from them either. Best case is that they respect you and trust that they've done a good job raising you and let you make your own decision, probably after they express their opinion. Worst case is that they dis you by saying no in a very emphatic way.

If they say no don't knock them too much for it. Parents often think they know best, sometimes they're even right. They also want to protect you and often that interferes with their ability to see you as an independent person.

Either way you still have to make the decision. At least now you know where they stand.

Sorry I can't decide for you but seeing as you're smart enough to look for advice I'll trust that you're a big girl and capable of figuring things out for yourself.

BTW, sorry but I have to say this: Use birth control, at least two kinds, every time, no exceptions. Children can be wonderful but they can also be very stressful, especially if you weren't planning on having them just yet.

Collegegirl04: I would talk with your parents and be honest with them. Two thumbs up for your BF in not being dishonest. If you two do marry, this is not a good way to start a relationship with all of you. I would advise you to discuss the matter with your parents and your BF together. If you are wanting to be treated as a mature adult then you will have to show that you are. All of you may suggest an idea for this matter. Good luck. I would add...don't compromise your values or morals that you have been taught since you are now away from home. Parents try to instill these in our children so When they do move away they will make WISE decisions...Peace