I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now.
For the first six months of our relationship it was so awesome, we had so much passion, then after the 6 month mark, we jsut constantly started fighting. At first it was only little things, then it jsut got more and more where we were having screaming matches. We will have our good days and bad days, and we both cant' live without eachother, but now we're at a point where we want to build our relationship back the way it was. but we dont know if we should try to fix it, or if it is going to be an endless battle. we both moved in together after 9 months of being together.

i love my boyfriend so much and i really want us to have an awesome relationshiop because i know we can.
does anyone have any ideas on how we can build this relationship back??

also, i think a lot of the problem is me, because i dont ever initiate anything, and i never show any excitement towards anything. I need help! does anyone have any ideas on how i can fix these problems...

Hey there,

First thing is first... don't despair! What is wonderful already is that you have some insight into the dynamics which brought you to the place you are now. You mentioned in your post that you don't initiate things... can you let us know more about what you mean and give some examples. I think this would really help, so that I could give you some feedback. Is it sexually and emotionally that you are having a problem initiating things. Also, is there something in your boyfriend, an attitude, a behaviour, a comment, that may be pushing you away from initiating things? what do you feel he needs as a person from you and what do you feel you need as a person from him? What are the two of you doing in order to meet each other's needs? what may you two be failing to do?
I'll keep on eye out for further postings from you & get back to you...

Peace,
Odyssey

well, sexually i dont ever initiate things. i noticed before that i had an extremely high libido, and then slowly it just started to fade away and now im at the point where i dont want sex, i dont think about it, or anything. It is putting a damper on teh relationship because my boyfriend ALWAYS has to initiate things, and it makes him feel that i dont want him in that way. im trying to tell him that its not him that is making me have this no libido, but he just keeps saying that i dont want him i dont want him. It's really frustrating. Right now we're at a crossroad where we discussed that if we can't get this relationship better within 2 months, then we should jsut break up. And i really dont want that. what do you suggest?

Hello Sand&confused,
Why do you think it is that your libido is so low ? Is it because of all your arguing ? How do you feel as a person ? are you possibly having problems with your own body image, with his body image? Is something turning you off? I think the answers may lie in the answers to these questions. Are you fatigued, possibly going thru a burnout ? How old are you & what do you do for a living. Many eons ago, I went thru a burnout. I carried too many burdens on my shoulders, including the ones my husband should have been carrying. I was exhausted and furthermore turned off and angry at him for "abandoning" me emotionally and leaving me with all the responsibilities to care of... ie: children, financial (he wasn't carrying the weight he should have while I was becoming the main bread winner and taking care of everything else from A-Z). I fell into a depression, gained so much weight at the time (which I'm happy to report that I have lost now) that I felt so undesirable and foolish if I made any sexual advances toward him. I was afraid that he may reject my initiatives in this area.
I was wondering, are you possibly afraid to Initiate things sexually because of any fear that he may reject your advances?
I'll continue to keep a look out for your response & take it from there. You know, it is the weekend... what about beginning with a nice quiet supper together, maybe a DVD and some cuddling... maybe after all the arguing you two need to warm up to one another a bit. Dunno... just a suggestion.

Peace,
Odyssey

well physically i have lost a lot of weight, but i believe because of my years of being overweight and being made fun of a lot, has caused me to feel very self concious. i dont even like to get naked in front of my boyfriend. we have been together for 2 years so im not afraid of him rejecting me.
i know for a fact i have depression, but i have started taking medication for it, and my mood has improved a lot. i think he is extremely gorgeous and i knwo its not him. im only 21 years old so im very young so that's why i think that somethign is wrong with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
as a person im a fairly happy person.
i think though that a lot of the reasons as well is that we do fight a lot.
like this morning, i was trying to give him a kiss, and he said "i dont want to make out"
so how are we supposed to fix it if he keeps doing stuf liek that. then he gets mad at me for not initiating anything. its a really big cycle that we've been dealing with for a long time.
also, if we get into even one fight, he will say to me "we're never goign to get better etc" and it really does upset me.
i've told him that and it has gotten a little better, but how are we supposed to get better if he keeps bringing it up and wont give me a chance to do anything.
its a very confusing situation.

also, im planning on going to university to take nursing, and i was extremely happy about it, and my boyfriend is as well, but he also said to me "yay even less sex than we're having now"

SORRY ABOUT THAT that was my boyfriends name, i forgot to log him out befor posting...but that was my reply to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey S&C,
I read your most recent post. Seems we have a lot in common... I have a few things to write back to you, but I'll have to do so this evening as I have to prepare myself and my kids for the day ahead and get off to work.

Take care in the meantime,
Peace,
Odyssey

ill keep checking for your reply. thank you so much for your help btw:) i really hope my boyfriend and i can get through this:)

Hello there !

You are sooooo welcome !!! and of course there is hope for you and your relationship... seems to me that you have already taken some steps to work on yourself ie: losing some weight,taking care of your depression with medication... GOOD FOR YOU! May I ask what meds you are taking? I know quite a bit about meds for this type of thing because i have quite a few friends in the mental health feild. Did you know that taking anti-depressants doesn't have to be a permanent thing. If you couple the meds with some good counselling, you can learn to cope with sadness and the anxiety which accompanies it from time to time. Also did you know that going to the gym, singing dancing, and laughing create some wonderful chemicals in ones body which act to counter sadness and depression?... Just passing on some tips which have worked for me.
I know how it feels to be self-concious of ones body... boy do I know!!! and I,m sure that your boyfriend would not reject you on the level of how you look alone. I remember a very important lesson that I learned when I began dating after my marriage ended (yes, my marriage ended, but not without a good fight to save it and not with bitterness). Well, the very first time I became intimate with someone, I remember myself trying to hide my body from him, making sure the lights were off... almost couldn't look him in the eye... well, he "wilted" so to speak, and I thought it was because of how I looked because i still had a few pounds to lose. I asked him if it was my body... he answered that it was becausehe felt that he was doing something wrong which made me feel like I needed to hide. You see it was the lack of confidence, the patheticness of how I was feeling that turned him off and not the way I looked. WOW!!!! WHAT A REVELATION!!! I guess that what I'm trying to say is that one needs to gain confidence in themselves, and to work on their self-image to the point where they exude that on their own and not depend on anyone else for that confidence... this is where thereapy/couselling could help... exploring one's life events, unlocking the difficulties which keep one from knowing one's self and then working towards a comfort level and confidence.
And sweety, you're right, it's not him... it,s not you (alone) either, it's both of you and I'm sure that he thinks you are gorgeous too.
Do you know how depression comes about??? It happens when one is overhelmed with too many things and when one begins to feel that there is no hope for change. Things begin to look and feel like you are in a bottomless pit, spiralling downward without any end to the darkness in sight. Depression, in most cases is also situational, which means that as hopeless as you feel, there is and will be an end to the sadness. Your depression alone may be something that bothers your boyfriend... maybe he feels somewhat resposible for it... maybe he IS somewhat responsible for it. You folks need to talk about these things and maybe even seek some couple counselling.
I also think you need to ask him why he is still "with" you if he fells that "it's not going to get better. Ask him why he says things like that. Does that mean that he has given up on you? Ask him bluntly... sometimes we don't hear ourselves and how hurtful our words are until someone reflects them back to us...
I noticed that your boyfriend is posting on this site as well, but I haven't come across much from him regarding his perception of what is going on nor has he really asked for any advice... regardless, I think it's good that he is here at least. May I suggest to to the two of you to read the background info on MB philosophy and to fill out the Emotional Needs questionaires... this may give you some insight and direction on the things you may both need to work on in order to save your relationship.
Now, about going back to school... are you ready for such a great responsibility, workload, and finacial sacrifice... you already have much on your plate for the time being and to top things off you are going thru a depression. Is it possible to put it off a bit until you feel better, or to maybe take a few courses instead of a full course load?... just food for thought...

Take care for now... I'll continue to pray for you two...

Peace,
Odyssey

well for school, im not going for about 2 years from now because that's how long the waiting list is. So by then i should be ok.

how do you go about finding a good counsellor? i think that would really help. also what about a couple's cousellor? im really new to that kind of stuff.

i have a problem with feeling confident about myself. i have never been like that and i dont know how to begin to even start feeling confident.

i've talked to my boyfriend about why he says those things, and he says because he knows that we can get better. but it seems to jsut be one big cycle and i dont know how we can get out of it.

Hey There,
Sorry for not responding sooner... kids, life, love... it all takes a lot of time... one thing I don"t have much of!!!
I'm not sure how you go about getting a counsellor... I guess it all depends on where you live. Mine was refered to me by someone at work. This person works privately as all counsellors, psychotherapists do, so I had to pay for mine. I would suggest asking those who are close to you if they know of any good cousellors and then take it fronm there. Most of ehat I call couples counsellors are really people who specialize in helping families and marriages. If you two are committed to one another then marriage couselling is the way to go... don't let words and labels throw you off... what you have is a ligitimate commitment to one another and that's what you want to work on. I do strongly suggest that you get some individual counselling though for your own sake and then for your boyfriend's... without a sense of self-worth, you cannot give to your relationship and to the other person what it needs in order to survive.
Have you two filled out the Emotional Needs questionnaires yet... if not, you really should... it's a great place to start.

Hope you're fairing well these days...
Peace,
Odyssey

no we havne't but i think we're gonna do them in the next day or so. and i will look into the counsiller soon as well. thank you so much. i will keep you updated on how things are going

Hi there!!!

How are things going this week ??? I hope you are doing a bit better. How are the questionaires coming along?

Peace,
Odyssey

theyr'e actually a lot worse, last night, my boyfriend said right to my face that the whole reason we have sexual problems is because of me. he said that its 100% my fault...when i already knew this. so i of course got very upset. what can i do?? lke i mentioned in my first post, i already knew i had a low sex drive...

Sweetie,
Are you sure you "already know this"...that everything is 100% your fault? I really have a difficult time believeing that things are 100% anybody's fault. Did you begin your relationship with a low sex-drive or is this possibly a side effect from your medication... cuz some anti-depressants tend to have that effect...that is why I had asked you what meds you were on. Paxil will do that, so will prozac. There'sa wonderful medication in that family of anti-depressants called Celexa which is better for some reason for women and although clinically it has the possibility to lower the libido, for most women it doesn't... maybe you should be discussing your meds with your doctor. The other thing is that I really think you should be going to see a therapist and work on your self esteem sweetie... it is clear from your writing that you just accept any blame your mate throws out without analyzing his fault in things... Remember one posting you wrote where you DID try to make an advance and initiate things with him and he rejected you??? You ARE making efforts, despite your libido, and sex is like a good addiction, the more you have the more you want... it's clinically proven... so maybe you should tell your boyfriend this and tell him you are making efforts and he should be giving in so that you can WORK towards a better intimate life with one another... this in itself will also have a positive effect on both your self esteems.

Please take good care and don't allow your spirit to be crushed by just accepting what your boyfriend sais... begin to work on your self-worth, begin to stand up for yourself.

Peace,
Odyssey