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Joined: Jul 2004
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tmom Offline OP
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Is there any point in trying to fix our problems before we get married?

I mean, we have known eachother for five years. We live together and I know the person I am marrying. I am sure we are going to get married anyways, so is there any point in waiting?

When I first moved in with my bf I don't think I had any real intentions of getting married I just wanted to live with some one who was going to be supportive of me and my son. (at the time my mother and I were constantly fighting about how I was raising my son)But now a year later, I know that is what I want.

I guess before it was easier because our only real goal was to be happy together, now we have to think *real world* moving into a new house is so stressful!

The fall semester at school just started and I wonder if I will be able to focus as much on school when life seems to be flying past me so fast. (Don't worry though Ill never quit school, I am going to be one of those people who is fifty going back for their fourth, completly unrelated degrees just for fun)

Anyways can anyone give me a good reaqson why my bf and I shouldn't just head to the courthouse and get married?

we have no major problems I guess I just want to be absoluetly sure I know what I am getting myself into. But I geuss I got myself into it as soon as I decided to keep his baby, huh? A little late to be analyzing things!

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Hello TMOM,

Not that I am an expert or anything but WOW you have stepped into my world. I too am a single mom but w/ one differance no Daddy involved. I met my soon to be Husband 5 yrs ago and thought we would have been married by now boy was I wrong.
Here is what I did....but I by no means expect you to do the same.
I told by boyfriend that I was ready to move on w/ my life. We had/have a weekend relationship for the most part and I need more. He went on a week long fishing trip and came home to me not returning his calls. When I was ready a wk later we talked long and hard and we both saw that what we have is very strong and very special.
Now you have a child involved that belongs to the two of you so tred lightly and move slowly. In the end it will work out. If you are a member of a church I strongly suggest seeking pre marriage counsling. We did and it has helped us sooo much.
Dont rush or enter marriage just because it's the next step, it may make things worse. Marry because you love and respect eachother. Its for the long hall. Keep in your mind that it should be a forever commintment.
Good Luck and God Bless
P.S.
My son and I lived w/ my mom for 10 yrs and BOY OH BOY do I know why you wanted to move away from that.

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Hi tmom...you asked a question at the beginning of your post:
"Is there any point in trying to fix our problems before we get married?"

But, I didn't see where in the rest of your post you talk about the problems. You seem to be asking two questions:
1) Should we work on our problems before or after marriage?
You should work through all problems that you are aware of BEFORE marriage. Identify each of your dealbreakers beforehand so they do not smack you in the face afterwards. Identify each of your expectations and concerns and work through them.

2) Should we get married because we feel like we are already living like a married couple?
No. You should get married because you love and respect one another. Because you are best friends and want to spend the rest of your life being the best spouse you can be.

I found it odd how you talked about YOUR child in your post and then at the very end mentioned it was his child, too. Something about your post is very dry and cold. It sounds (based on the very little information you provided) like you feel an obligation to get married. Please don't get married because of the social pressures. You should not only love this man with all that you are, but really like him and want to be with him.

You have a son. I personally think you should be spending a lot of time thinking about what would be best for him. I can say one thing, marrying a man that you do not really love just to satisfy society's norms would not be good for your son.

Take care,
Smile

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tmom Offline OP
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You are completly right this sounds very cold. Maybe I should explain my situation a little bit more.

Let me start from the begining:

My mother is bipolar, I was always a very passive child untill I was 13.
Then I got sick of walking on eggshells around my mother. I figured even trying so hard to please her I couldn't, so why try?
From that point I tried to stay out of the house as much as possible.
I met my nieghbor, he was 18 at the time and very cute with a nice truck.
I have always been kind of a dramatic romantic and when I saw him for the first time I thought to myself "that is the man I am going to remember when I am old and gray and wish I could have gotten to know better"
Well when he actually showed in interest in me I was estatic (I had very low self esteem and very few friends because before this point in my life my mother wouldn't have allowed me)
I knew he was too old and my mother would never allowed it but that made it all the more exciting.
Well he was a very nice, polite, respecting and very family oriented (which I liked because I didn't get along with my family)
Anyways he was just coming out of his bad boy days and decided he wanted to do it right this time.We started dating very slowly.......
We see eachother everyday and he would pick me up from school.I was infatuated and he swears he was in love with me. well after two years of dating I got pregnant. I went into a deep depression only he managed to get me out. I told my parents and they immediatly called the police. It was considered statuory rape because he was 20 and I was 15. I decided to keep the baby even though my parents wanted me to put him up for adoption.
My boyfriend went to family court and got visitation rights, we were allowed to see eachother only for the sake of the child. We continued dating and were very faithful to eachother even though we could only see eachother for a couple hours 2 days a week. I put all my extra energy into school and finished early started working on my AA
Looking back I feel like this was the best couple years of my life (so far!) I made friends and my mother no longer had the control she once did over my life but I wasn't rebelling either
So then I turn 18 and I could do whatever I wanted. After much stress I decide to move in with my boyfriend. Things go OK but we didn't have any money so we moved in with his parents (he was still paying off his lawyer, etc...)suddenly his love for his family was something I didn't like. and we had (and have) normal arguments about cultural differences and when we got engaged around christmas time,
I got relly excited then all of a sudden it hit me. they are going to want a Mexican wedding in spanish and I completly lost interest in a wedding
Then I got in a car crash and got depressed again
Ok so maybe you see where this is going I just found out not too long ago that I am bipolar too!
That is why my above post is sooo cold I was in one of my moods!
Some days I love my boyfriend beyond imagination. We have been though hell and back and he was always by my side 110% we have normal arguements and that any couple might have and we solve them with good comunication the problem is.......... sometimes this feeling lasts a couple of hours and then I am in a bad mood because he did something so small that usually after I am out of that mood I feel so stupid about it!
I go back and forth constantly! I want to get married, no I want to leave. I am in love, no I just stay here because it's easy. No it's not easy, it so hard! You get the picture.
Now on my clearest, best days I understand how hurtful this is to my boyfriend and my son. Other days it is very hard.
Just thought I should explain myself! writing things down and then reading them later is very good for me! Most the time I look back and think, what the hell was I thinking about?!?!?

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tmom Offline OP
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I finally understand my whirlwind of thoughts
but it may just be too late
for as i look around with my new found insight

I see the broken hearts scattered all around
all because my selfishness knew no bounds

A major work in progress.......
a poem I am writing about all the people I have hurt.......

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Hi tmom,
How are you doing? I haven't been visiting MB much lately, so sorry to just abandon ship there.

Are you on any medications for the bipolar disorder? How does your BF feel about this handicap?

I'm not qualified to give advice in this situation and I would think that you should have this mental disorder under better control before making such a huge decision in your life. I hope you can find a professional that can help you with this illness as well as these enormous decisions that you are facing.

Best of luck,
Smile

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tmom Offline OP
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I am just now being diagnosed. As of now I am keeping a mood log and my phd. will tell me if it can be dealt with behaviorally or if I need meds.

My bf has a hard time dealing with the whole concept of dopamine and serotoine (sp?!) levels. Which is what causes Bipolar. The chemical imbalances.

I am studying to be an RN so I look at it from a medical point of view.

He just thinks I get in a bad mood and even though I try to explain that I probably have the same sickness as my mom. He thinks I am just using it as an excuse(?) I always told him I didn't want to end up like my mom...


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