Maybe somone can help me, i have been seeing this guy for over 2 years. We each have our own houses but have never spend one day without seeing one another. To get to the point..

He married when he was young and had a little boy with his first wife of 5 years.. he realized that it wasn't going to work so they divorced. and he moved in with his soon to be second wife. He lived with his second wife for almost 5 years and it is my understanding that he loved her and was completely faithful to her the entire time. After living together for 5 years they got married and had 2 girls together.

This is where it takes a twist, she left him for another man... it devistated him. He went through 3 years of drugs and alchol to try to keep his mind off of it.. and one day he decided to change his life and straighten up his life.. 2 weeks later i met him and we fell madly in love.

I would do anything to show him how much i love him and it kills my soul when the idea of marriage come up he says "it just messes up relationships" He refers to our relationship being destroyed by marriage because of his past 2 experiences. I don't know how to make him understand that I am not his ex wifes... I would give anything to have what his second wife had "a loveing man, a good father to my children, and a happy family" but he makes me feel like I am being punished for somthing that I did not do. How do i get him to understand that marriage isn't such a bad thing, that some things are and aren't ment to be and that god has a way of showing people these things. I would marry him this instant minute if he would only commit to doing so.. but unfortually i feel like it will never happen so i just wait till the day that he changes his mind... Can anyone help me?

Well, it took 5 years for him to be ready to marry his second wife. YOu're only on year 2, and fighting a lot of history...

I don't have a good answer for you. Nothing I can think of can make him "want" to marry you.

Of course, you can always draw the line in the sand that says the relationship can't continue if you don't get married. See what the response is. I doubt it will be what you want.

Have you looked at the EN questionnaire and reviewed BC? If you can attain success in applyin gthose to your relationship now, your BF may recover enough trust in order to take the plunge.

what is the EN questioner? and the BC? i am not sure that i understand what you ment by that.

At the top of the page is a link named "Concepts", which covers the "Basic Concepts" (BC) of MarriageBuilders (MB).

In the Emotional needs forum (click on Issue above, and select Emotional Needs, the top post gives lots of good info on abbreviations, and the EN (Emotional NEeds) Questionnaire.

IN addition, the Q&A link at the top has lots of good notes from Dr. Harley on a wide variety of topics.

I would encourage you to not just spend time in the forums waiting for somebody to hand you answer you like, but really dig into the MB material. There is *good* stuff in there. I mean *good*. And it can help. But you have to read it, do it, apply it.

I can relate. we have been together for well over a year and are committed to each other. However, when marriage is brought up, the response is "my previous relationships failed, I don't want another one to fail". I'm slowly trying to introduce MB, as my partner is not as forthright with their feelings. Hang in there!

I've been married and divorced twice and have no intention of ever remarrying. IMO, commitment is not on a piece of paper. There seem to be no shortage of people who want the social status of being "married"--but have no clue what it means to maintain a life-time commitment. Please make sure you understand what commitment means to YOU. Way too many people get married thinking that, because their SO agreed to marry them, that they have a commitment now. I know it sounds funny, but I have no doubt I can maintain a life-time commitment. I just don't want the M word attached to it. If your BF acts like he is committed to you, why does the M word mean so much to you? I would have no problems being part of a commitment ceremony to announce our intentions of being a couple...that's what people did 1000s of years ago before the church got involved anyway. As far as legal stuff, I have no problems making contracts for survivorship rights after death, etc. But I'll be damned if I subject myself to the risk of being divorced THREE times. No way.

Okay lets face it, men have no understanding of how a woman really thinks or feels about anything. And like u, you say you will never be married a third time... but that's where the "WHAT IF" comes along..
WHAT IF, you found someone u wanted to spend the rest of you life with and they were dead set against it because of your reasoning.. put yourself in the other shoes.. A woman is more sensitive than a man and the M word means more to a woman than to a man in my opinion.. But i even if he is dead set in not getting married i don't want it to be something that happened before me that i can not change..
The one thing that makes me more in-secure is knowing thinking that I am just not good enough..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WileysWoman:
<strong> Okay lets face it, men have no understanding of how a woman really thinks or feels about anything. And like u, you say you will never be married a third time... but that's where the "WHAT IF" comes along..
WHAT IF, you found someone u wanted to spend the rest of you life with and they were dead set against it because of your reasoning.. put yourself in the other shoes.. A woman is more sensitive than a man and the M word means more to a woman than to a man in my opinion.. But i even if he is dead set in not getting married i don't want it to be something that happened before me that i can not change..
The one thing that makes me more in-secure is knowing thinking that I am just not good enough.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello Amanda.

I agree that it isn't fair at all to "make you pay" for sins committed against your BF by other women in the past.

However, the advice above to familiarise yourself with the MarriageBuilders theories and practices is very well said.

In reading this post of yours, I note that you make broad generalisations about "men not understanding" and "women are more sensitive than men". I invite you to consider that these statements may or may not be true for any particular individual, of either gender.

And is making those assumptions about your boyfriend(being a man) any more valid in your eyes than his decision to make assumptions about all women, based upon HIS past, that may not be true for you?

I would suggest reading over the excellent information presented on this site, and paying careful attention to those sections dealing with communication methods and disrespectful judgements. There may be options availible to you to help him see that you are not like the other women he has known. Remember, though, you cannot change him. You can only change yourself.

All the best to you and yours,

-OAK

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: OnceAKnight ]</small>

I'm a woman, by the way. Actually, I've found it kind of funny that I've met more than my fair share of men who are just as anxious to get married as any woman I've met. Usually 30 something men who have never been married. Even more funny is that they likely passed up better marriage candidates when they were younger, but are now so anxious to have the M word that they marry the first thing that comes along. What is so scary about this phenomenon is that people who feel pressured to marry because of age or whatever are not very likely to check out their assumptions about what a commitment means.

About the dilemma about making up for past sins..well, that's life. People always have experiences before they met you. I'd suggest trying to look at this in a more positive way. Because he has been through divorce, he has alot more knowledge of what marriage really entails and likely has zero fantasies about what a commitment is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The one thing that makes me more in-secure is knowing thinking that I am just not good enough.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure how to say this...but it is not about you. Just like me not wanting to marry my BF is not about HIM. I'm against the principle of getting remarried (I think multiple marriages are tacky--especially three or more). My BF could be the best man in the world. Doesn't matter. I'm still convinced that people have and still do find all sorts of ways to be committed without being married. I suggest you stop focusing on what it takes to change your BFs mind about marrying you and spend more time asking yourself if both of you have what it takes to make a commitment. If you find that you simply can't be happy without the M word, regardless of how committed he may be to you, then move on. Again, it's not about you.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: TheGraduate ]</small>

As a betrayed spouse I have found that I too am reluctant to rush into a second marriage because of past experiences. However, those experiences have not barred the door to future marriage but have made me more conscious of the fact that you cannot change someone else. Nor can you evolve into the person your partner desires if you are not comfortable in that role because it will eventually get old. My advice to anyone would be to explore relationships with no demands or expectations & enhance yourself as much as possible. Do not compare the person you are dating with your ex-spouse but be conscious of any similarities that led to the dissolution of your marriage......then run like hell.

I can understand what you are going through in some ways. I am going to reach my 1st year of marriage with H. There is were it get complicated. I'm asian and he is hispanic, and in the asian culture I am married to him, but in the American culture i am just living with him. We haven't had our "actual" wedding yet, and I'm still waiting for the day when it is going to happen. To be honest, you cant' make a man marry you just like you can make him love you. It has to be his desicion and his doing. I have learned to never force marriage upon him because if you do, he will marry you for the wrong reason, or just because you asked him to do it. In the long run you are only going to hurt yourself just like me. Where you wanted to get marry...he asked you.....not only because you wanted it...but because he wanted it to....but the mistake that was made was that...he wasn't really ready to make or take that kind of committment...which will result in more hurt and harm to yourselve than ever!