Hmmm how do I start. Well I guess I will tell you my problem. Its not his jealousy it is my own. Yeah I admit it. Problem is, Why? I have no reason to suspect him of doing wrong, but sometimes I do. I feel terrible for this, and need to know how it is stopped. I had no reason to doubt; I was only courios I guess. So I opened his mail folder to find a little note from a lady who stopped by his office the night before. It was nothing offensive, but she sounded like she was on cloud nine. The thing about it was he didn't tell me. I found it on my own. He told me she gave him a little peck and he then immediately told her he was involved and very much in love. Done. Right? Wrong. I found it, so what will I find next time? I have got to where I am constantly checking his email. This happened a year or so ago. I left it at that, afterall I have nothing to worry about. Again out of the blue about four months ago I checked his mail. I was so upset a woman we both know from chat had asked him to lunch. I was steamed. Mainly at her for asking. If it is suppose to be harmless why didn't she ask me first? I would not of minded, I just like to know. She now thinks he has to ask me for any little thing he does, and that isn't the case. I wasn't angry with him. I found the mail before he even got to see it. I over reacted and we ended up arguing about it. It is just not worth it. I have told him to change his passwords so I can't look, but he hasn't. I end up battling with myself over weather I should check his mail or not. Most of the time I don't, but there is that little "what if" that tells me to look. I have never been the jealous type and don't want to start now. Is there something I can do to help this. I know I can just trust, and usually I do. But "what if". That little "what if" will end up making the man I LOVE miserable. It will push him away from me. We are planning to get married and I want to be one reason he is happy; Not the reason he is miserable. Any suggestions for me?
Thanks in advance!

Hi...I can understand where you are coming from. While your boyfriend may very well be completely honest with you, he is not being completely open and that is a very big part of trust. This is not just about you, though previous experiences may have created jealous and distrustful tendencies.
I think that's pretty cool that your bf did not change his password...smart move on his part.
He may not have done anything wrong, but given your trust issues, he is going to have to play an active role in helping you two grow past this challenge. From what you've written, I think that role is being more open with you. Basically, if he thinks a peck on the cheek (or anything else) would bother you, HE should let you know it happened without being prompted. Now don't forget your role in this. If he tells you something that bothers you, your reaction is very important in terms of encouraging future openness and honesty. Don't expect him to tell you these things if you react in a way that makes me regret his decision. This isn't just flying off the handle and attacking him. This includes moping, crying, silence, anger...and so on.
When he is open about something, it's those things that really bother you that you have to thank him for being open and honest about. And then discuss them maturely.

Best of luck,
Smile

If he brings it to me, you can trust I will handle it with caution. I would not want him to feel he can't talk to me. (I have learned that lesson.) He asked if he could go on a "lunch date" with a friend once before. I told him sure, and was glad he asked. Unfortunately, I let something his sister and a coworker said bother me to the point he regreted going. Now I know he will never ask, afraid of my responce. If I could turn back the clock...but that can't happen. I just hope to rebuild. I trust him more then he knows. I guess it is the little "what ifs" that make me cringe. I hate totally being this confident in someone only to be made to look like the biggest fool ever. Sad part is, never have I been made to look like a fool. Only infedielity I have expierenced was when I was fifteen and it has no affect now. Really at fifteen it is obsolete. I believe it is because I found out on my own, instead of him telling me. I don't want him to keep things from me, no matter how much he thinks it might hurt me. I KNOW he loves me and I KNOW he will be faithful even before marriage. Why do I still have the urge to look? And, can I stop that urge. He said he would change his passwords but hasn't. If I don't know them, how can I look? I don't want to intrude on him or his email, but as long as I know the passwords, I might. Just for the sake of arguement, I went in to his email to begin with to look for the emails I sent before I moved in with him. He saved them all and they had his replys to me. I never imagined seeing any thing else. Still don't. How do I stop from feeling I "should" check. If it is something I need to know I am sure he will tell me.

I think that with time you will gain confidence and lose the urge to look IF he is more open with you. Like you said, it's the fact that you found these things on your own. If he is actively sharing things with you, you will likely stop feeling like he is potentially hiding things. That is an active role on his part, though.
I've been going through this with DH. He did deceive me early in the relationship and we have worked hard to heal together.
I figured out that what was missing was not honesty (he's never lied to me), but the openness. The "what ifs" and other little possible mysteries were getting to me because I had found out that he cheated on me on my own. I didn't have to prove it...when approached he was honest with me (yes, very regretful and has detailed as I asked him to be).
Not only did I express how important it was to me that he is open, I showed him what that meant to me by being VERY open with him. Anything at all that I thought might bother him, I shared with him. If a guy flirted with me, I told him...and also told him if I was flattered by it. If I thought something I did was perceived as flirtatious, I told him about it. At one point he told me that I didn't have to tell him those things and I told him, "I know, but you don't worry about me doing anything behind your back, do you?" And of course he did not worry at all.

He then understood a little better why being open meant so much to me as opposed to just being honest when approached about something. That's been the difference between a great relationship and a fantastic relationship for us in terms of communication. I still don't feel completely confident that he tells me everything that I'd want him to for peace of mind, but I know he's gotten better and I feel confident that he's not hiding anything important from me. Understanding the difference between honesty and openness & honesty has been key for us and I think it's what will help you feel more confident, but it will take time.

As for the email, in the spirit of Radical Honesty, you should both know each other's email passwords. DH and I share our's openly. Not only does it help make us feel more confident in each other, but it makes us think twice before doing something stupid...a self check, you know? Just knowing you have access to it will eventually be enough so that you don't feel the need to check it. He didn't want my password. He gave me his freel, but wanted me to feel like I could have my privacy. I emailed him the accounts and passwords and let him know that I'm always happy to share my privacy with him.
Every once in awhile I tell him to avoid my email because I'm discussing something that's a surprise for him. I don't think he's ever gone into my email, but I say that anyway to remind him that he can...that I'm not hiding anything from him.

I don't think your jealousy is something that you should feel is your problem to fix by yourself. You are in a relationship and I think it will bring you two much closer together if you get through this hurdle as a team.

Smile

Thank you. I was starting to feel like the noisey little wench....lol. I haven't checked his email lately, any of them. I can even access his email from work, but haven't done that lately either. When I do look I never find any thing worth questioning. Mostly spam...lol. He is a wonderful person and women love him. More for friendship then any thing else. There are a few that have had more interest, when that happens, he sets them straight. I am self-conscience but he should not suffer from my insecurities. I guess I'm scared he might realize he can find better. He says he wont, He has all he has ever prayed for. He is super smart, and his memory is awesome. I never get tired of his reminiscing, I think it is cute. I have all I have ever wanted in a man, a lover, a husband, and most importantly a Friend. He is a God loving God fearing man who is not only in church but likes to be an active part of the church. He is an awesome Daddy, and trust me we have more then a dozen children. Some his, some mine, none together; nor will there be any together. We are happy with what we have been blessed with. The only thing that leaves is the catch... With any other man in my life, with the exception of my own Daddy, there is always a catch. He is great at this, but, he needs to improve on that. (That usually meant he would be perfect if he didn't take his anger out physically.) Finally I have all I have ever prayed for, all along thinking God wasn't hearing me. To my amazement He was listening to my every word. What did I do to deserve this? Ungrateful, faithless prayers don't bring blessings like this. My own lack of faith may be the ONLY reason I can't accept the fact that this one comes without the catch....

On a different note, I want to reply on some thing you said. Detailed as you wanted it. What is it with us women that makes us want details? Really? I mean why do we want to know how he deceived us in every way possible. Details will make me more bitter. If he was to take her to our favorite restaurant, it would no longer be our favorite. If any one I personally know saw them together, and they never told me.... lets just say theres another bridge I'm fixing to cross; dynamite in hand, or a bat on my shoulder. The list of deception gets longer and bitterness grows deeper. If I ever had to endure infidelity ofcourse there would be discussion and details, but not too much detail. Please spare the four play. I believe the best thing is to be open and discuss significant issues, like why. We all make mistakes, is this his mistake or mine? That's what I would wonder. If this relationship is going to work, I would have to get to the reason he cheated and what I or he or the both of us needed to do to rebuild the trust and repair the damage. I honestly don't know what I would do. Cry for a week or so, yell for another, drown in self pitty the following month, who knows. One thing I do know is I would miss him, I would miss the love I felt for him, the faith I had in his love for me. His friendship, my confidont, my heart. Thats how I feel about the man I am planning my life with. One mistake is not something I need every little detail, just simple honesty, his offer of apology, and to know he truly regrets what has happened. Then I would want the both of us to start the repair process so we can rebuild what was torn apart.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On a different note, I want to reply on some thing you said. Detailed as you wanted it. What is it with us women that makes us want details?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think this is a gender exclusive thing. Read up on Radical Honesty if you haven't already.
For me, just knowing that if I ask those details, I will get 100% truth has helped me trust him so much more. And because I knew I could trust that, I didn't ask for that many details. But, at the same time, the actual details couldn't have possibly been worse than my imagination.
People differ on their response to details, and of course the response will depend on whether those details make the situation better or worse than expected.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One mistake is not something I need every little detail, just simple honesty, his offer of apology, and to know he truly regrets what has happened.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honesty is not always "simple". You and I are not always honest without ourselves...nobody is always 100% honest in that way. Trust is very complicated and blind trust, even though it seems so much simpler, has far worse consequences.

IF I always knew that I was getting an honest response and a true apology (meaning the mistake would not happen, again) for something that we were really on the same page about, I guess details aren't as important...but if you don't know the details, how do you know that you are both truly understanding the problem the same way and avoiding the a mutually understood problem in the future?

I hope you are doing well,
Smile

I wanted to say to you that I'm going through the exact same thing with my fiance. We're to be married in May, and I was thinking that it was just cold feet. Our situations are strikingly similar.

I accidently came across some questionable pictures on the computer about a year ago. He explained that his friend had been published in a biker magazine (Easy Rider, I think) and that he was very proud of his pictures, even if they were questionable, so had forwarded them to a lot of his friends. He agreed that he would get rid of these because they bothered me and that we would move on. (Please don't think that I'm a prude, I enjoy watching videos together and whatnot, I just don't want it on the computer. There's an added element of "risk" that I'm just not comfortable with.)

In October I was trying to attach a file to an email and opened the "browse" function on the computer and found a "stash" of pictures that he had saved. He said that he didn't realize just how hurt I would be, and that he was sorry.

We moved passed the hurt (it took a few months for me to be comfortable on the computer again, as both incidences were discovered by true accident), and I learned to forgive him and trust him again.

But sometimes I want to go check. And I have a few times. I always tell him when I've looked as I don't want to hide my "snooping" and I haven't found anything since October. And even though he hasn't done anything else that would make me question my trust for him, sometimes my insecurities get the best of me. I know that he loves me and that he's not going anywhere.

When we originally got engaged, it was because I really wanted to. Knowing that he was still a little weird about it, I seldom brought up actually setting a date and getting married. It was over a year before he came to me and asked if we could set a date, and he's been happy about it. I don't question that he loves me. I don't question that he wants to be with me. We've been together almost 6 years and he's never lied to me (though he hasn't been open about a lot of things).

I, too, had some high school boyfriends that cheated, and my dad cheated then left. Maybe it's just that I have a history of men leaving and have trouble trusting that he won't.

I printed out the responses to your original post and brought it to him last night. He gave me his passwords and told me to write mine down (he didn't want to hear them). He really wants me to get passed this. He said that if he didn't do what he did, I wouldn't do what I did. Meaning if he hadn't had pics on the computer that I wouldn't feel a need to snoop. Does this make sense?

We did the EN questionnaire on the weekend, as well as the Love Busters questionnaire, and a ton of reading. I've expressed how important it is to me to have an open and honest relationship. I can't express how much this website has made it easier to talk about what's bothering me.

My question for the members of the board who have been through this: will it get easier? Will I be able to trust again? Will time make the hurt pass completely? Is it possible that I'm just getting a little bit of cold feet and that has encouraged me to be a little extra insecure?

Thanks in advance!

I think it does get easier. Infact, I haven't checked his boxes at all lately.
He has not given me any reason not to believe what he says. I just get a lil'nervous thinking about before. Letting go of yesterday is hard, but having to let him go because I am insecure, is even harder to imagine.