After an 18 mo. separation, my H will return home at the end of Oct. For the past 16 mos., he has been in a residential Christian discipleship program due to a crack cocaine addiction.<P>We've both gone thru MAJOR changes over the past year. The change in my H is nothing short of miraculous. A lot of forgiveness has taken place, on my part, and I'm anxiously waiting for his return home.<P>Despite the miles between us, a lot of healing has taken place and through short visits and lots of letters we've grown emotionally closer than ever before. BUT, to say that I'm cautious would be an understatement. I've seen first-hand how destructive this addiction can be, I don't want to ever be at that point of my life again.<P>I could really use some advice on re-establishing trust. I know that his handling of money and any time away from home are going to be "issues." How far does the accountability go? Part of me wants to have him acct. for every penny and every minute, but at the same time I want to be his W not his mother/jailer. Know what I mean?<P>Also, he had two affairs 10 mos. apart. Both occurred during brief separations, one was a one night stand and the other lasted maybe a couple of weeks. We've never really dealt with this, because his drug problem took center stage. Obviously, I'm hurt and insecure due to his infidelity. As you can see, A LOT of trust has been broken in our relationship.<P>Since the 2nd affair was almost 2 yrs. ago, should we discuss the details - I know next to nothing. Would that help or hurt healing? From what I've read here and discussed with friends, a lot of couples talk about the intimate details as part of healing and restoration. H has said he'll answer any questions I have, but he questions whether it would be emotionally healthy for me after everything we've been through. Any thoughts?<P>These are just some things I've been mulling over and trying to get a handle on before he returns home. Thanks for "listening"!

Have you been a part of the treatment process, in counseling with him? These things should be discussed in therapy while he is still in treatment to help facilitate the process when he returns home.

No, neither the children or I have been part of the treatment process. It's one of our few complaints about the particular program he's in. It focuses on the individual but not the family.

Well, what is their perception of the next step then in the recovery process? A half-way house, what? YOu don't just go through treatment and then get dumped back on the street...at least if it is a decent treatment program. I would be calling them and talking about the treatment plan...

Oh, no! He wouldn't just be dumped back on the street. The program does have an optional re-entry phase, but we have decided to forego that part because of our family situation. He will return home with the children and I. I'm comfortable with this decision.<P>I thought maybe someone who had been through a similar situation could offer some practical advice for the adjustments that will be ahead for us.

I have been through a similar thing but we were part of the treatment program. I guess I would suggest that you both enter into counseling together to address adjustment issues and to find out how you can be supportive to his recovery and still be able to speak to those other issues.

I won’t be so argumentative here as compared to my opinionated post on the EN board. Dr Harley has owned several drug treatment centers in the past. I’m sure that the phone counseling at MB could give you some very, very good integrated advice. <P>I think that open communication is a must. Talk about anything and everything and how you feel about it. I’m sure that it has been hard on you under the circumstances. I hope that you both can find the way to a fantastic future together. As you already know there is great power in prayer. <P><BR>God Bless<P>Scott<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Promised Forever:<BR><B>I won’t be so argumentative here as compared to my opinionated post on the EN board. Dr Harley has owned several drug treatment centers in the past. I’m sure that the phone counseling at MB could give you some very, very good integrated advice. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey, I'm argumentative and opinionated so don't give it a 2nd thought! <P>That's great advice about the phone counseling. H **may** go on staff with another more family oriented treatment program, so their counseling staff would be available to our family.<P>I think a lot of these questions can't be answered until he is home, we spend more time together, and get a better feel for exactly where we are in our relationship and the trust issue.<P>Thanks for the encouragement.<P>