Bruce,
<br> Your post describe my wife to a T. Since I'm into it 13 months right now I can tell you I did many things wrong, No 1 was hanging on and asking her to work on things. She even told me that the more I pushed the more she wanted to run. She was in the withdraw mode and she would not even accept help bringing in the grocires. It took a long time being seperated to figure out that just letting her do what she wants is the only thing that brought us to a friendship that we are at now. I know the pain of letting go and how hard it is to do belive me, I spent 2 weeks in a mental hospital not wanting to live and if that wasent hard enough she or my boys never visited and I only got 1 phone call from her. She explained how she dosent love me and never has and how the only reason she had children with me was she thought she would be too old to have them if she left back then. She has since said that she dident mean those things and was just trying to hurt me and tried to explain how much I had hurt her in the past. We now talk much more see each other more and just plain get along good. We are not dating yet I have asked her but she says she not ready yet, so I cant ask again. I'm sure in time she will ask me, yesterday she called me 4 times about little things that could have waited untill today when we exchange the boys. LESS IS MORE please remember that. Let her go if she wants to, let her do what ever she wants and support her decisions, dont try to push or even suggest your views and will on her. Agree with every thing she does even if you know your right. Dont argue even when you know shes trying to push your buttons DONT FEED INTO IT. If she leaves use that time to get to know yourself and try doing things that you wanted to do but couldent because of your marrige. Respect her and her decisions and if your spitural then pray for acceptance of your situation. It dident take a week or a month to get to where she's at now so dont expect it to be better in that time. Take it one day at a time be the best you can be and try to change some of the things about yourself that you dont like, in time she will see them, let her gaurd down. Actions not words will change her heart. Bruce Its the hardest thing you will ever do but it pays big dividens in the end. There she is again my wife just called again! Go figure I stop calling and now she calls me. TIME, PATIENCE, and LET IT GO. She will be back. Good luck and God bless.
<br> Ken

Please read "<a href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html">What to Do When You Are Not Meeting Your Spouse's Need For Sex?</a>" which is found in our <a href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5500_qa.html">Q&A Columns</a>. If you have any additional quesitons after reading the article, please come back and post it here.

I'm new to boards on the web and find it difficult to voice my problem in public so, please, bear with me. I have a similar problem but it's just the other way round..it's my husband who doesn't feel like making love. I have tried to talk to him in the most sensitive of ways(sometimes getting quite emotional in the process) about the reason for his lack of desire or need to become intimate with me in any sense of the word(hugs, kisses, touching or even words or other shows of affection like suggesting a night out or a surprise present or remembering Valentine's day). I have asked him several times, though I'm quite shy in this area, if there is anything he'd rather I do for him or wear or a certain atmosphere he'd prefer. I've tried sending my daughter to my parents, putting soft music I used to tape for him before we were married, candles, dinner but he'd just shrug the whole effort and say " you're being silly, you know I'm too tired for this" or once he started talking about depressing things that have been an on-going situation with him for years and he just doesn't want to deal with or accept (such as having a horrible boss at work or his sisters being cold with him since we were married). I have had problems at work too but I learn to deal with it, I take a stand and try to reslove it all as well as my conflicts with my in-laws. I never take things out on him or make him feel unloved or rejected for problems that he has no hand in. He once blurted out that the reason was my changed figure after pregnancy that was the reason behind it all and that I couldn't possibly expect any attention more than what he is bestowing upon me. I was so hurt. He knew the kind of mess I was in after my delivery and the efforts I was making to put order in my life and coordinating between my job, a baby who desperately needs my attention, and my duties to him and our home. And even then I tried joining a health club but my energies were drained in the process that when we'd go to bed I'd fall asleep in mid-sentence.
<p>Now that I look back on our life of 4 years together I realize that his sex drive was always like this( at a level of once a month sometimes more) though he was showing more physical shows of affection than now. I keep trying to get him to tell me what his problem is but he always shows me, with horrid clarity, how bothered he is at the fact that I'm still talking about THIS subject. And he always fails to say a single word on the matter even when I ask him not to answer but to take his time, think the situation over and choose his own time to talk to me about what he thinks. He'll just ignore me as if I've said nothing. I feel so hurt, often unloved, unwanted in a sexual sense but more importantly ignored. I can't think how two people in love can lay an ignorant ear to eachother's needs like this. Even when we do make love it's like he has stretched himself to a limit that he can't stand it any more and just wants the thing to happen so quickly so he can be satisfied and get it over with. I've tried making it enjoyable for him to make him look forward to doing it again soon or to return some of the joy to me but it doesn't work. He doesn't even touch me or kiss me more than a couple of pecks.
<p>I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and can't imagine life without him but I feel that I'm being stressed beyond my limits with no effort on his side to even acknowledge my unhappiness. I'm sure we need serious therapy but have no access to such institutions in this country. Please help me save my marriage! I can't bear the thought that he's getting satisfied elsewhere.

Kristine,
<p>Have you talked to your doctor about this? Sometimes it can be a medical reason for your lack of and they do have things you can take to increase it. I don't mean viagra but your horomones could be out of balance and a simple pill could make all the difference. My dad is a Gynocologist and has helped several women in this way.
<br>Steph

I know what it is like to have a sexual problem with your husband, I have no desire whatsoever for sex and it is tearing my marriage apart. My husband thinks that because I am not interested in sex, that I am finding my 'sex' elsewhere, or that there is someone else in my life. That is not true, I love my husband with all my heart...I just cant seem to get 'in the mood' to make love, it does not interest me at all. I dont know where to turn for help.

The reason behind my wondering whether or not he's getting it elsewher is the loss of intimacy on all grounds. I thingk, particularly for a woman, general shows of emotion are a must. We don't have to make love if I could tell it's still there: by making effort to make time for 'us', saying 'I love you' without me having to say it first, a surprise gift to let me know he was thinking of me rather than letting my birthday go unnoticed. I miss him SHOWING me that he cares for me...
<p>I had always thought that making love is a show of love; it is two people being so close to eachother, feeling eachother's heart beats but now he just shrugs the whole problem off as if it isn't there. It isn't even a biological need for him?-assuming he isn't getting satisfied elsewhere.
<p>Please help! What can I do?

How can we all be in such similar situations? After hitting bottem a few weeks ago, I finally laid everything out on the line with my H. We have never communicated well towards our relationship since the day we met. He took how I felt hard but realized that a lot of it was based on the person he used to be many years ago. Although that helped take off a huge weight off my shoulder, and seemed to put our relationship on a new level, I don't know where we go from here. He has being trying like crazy to fill up my love bank, and although I appreciate - that's the problem right there I just appreciate it. It hasn't brought back any of those lost feelings, if anything I find it just makes me feel guilty for not giving anything back to him. I don't know if I'm just trying to see how far I can push him before he gives up on me; I just couldn't be bothered reciprocating the love units he's giving to me. I was all for making this work, especially for our son, a couple of week's ago, but now I find I keep
<br>avoiding to talk about the situation and I keep puting off going to councelling, which is what he wants. At first I thought it would help, and I even went on my own to try and get things in my head a little straightened out, but I can't see how a councellor can get me to have intimate feelings towards him again. So where do we go from here. I find it so tough because he has changed so much and if we were to meet today, maybe I would fall madly in love with him, but I feel dead inside, he walks by and I feel nothing. How do I get over that hump. Although he says he is sorry for mistreating me in the past, and I acknowledge that he's taken responsibility for that - maybe subcontiously I can't forgive him, or my love bank is so drained, that it may be too late for him to fill it again no matter what he does.
<br>Looking for answers,
<br>Nat.

Nat. please email me so we can talk. Maybe we can help each out. You can read my story under infidiety and then affair. I think our situations are a like. you can email me at sweetie_1999_37@yahoo.com