About four christmas's ago we went to my husband's sisters house. She was uptight the whole time, and finally cracked and stormed out of the house. She is known for a bad temper. Well the next morning she confronted me about a washcloth that I had stained with makeup. Also prior to her display she cursed her mother during the dinner preparation and was voicing complaints about different guests who were visiting. During her confrontation with me I told her I thought she was materialistic, and told her also that I did not know her well and it was how she was percieved at least by me. I ended this episode with a hug and told her we'd try to get along. Well after we returned home her husband called and told my husband he needed to straighten me out. His mother also called and asked why I insulted his sister in her new home. He did not question me about what went on. Since that time I have heard rumors from other family members about her grievances with me. I called her to find out what her problem was. She proceeded to give me her list, I took two hours to do my hair, let other people feed my kids breakfast, had an attitude, trivial things. The list was ridiculous. My children got sick (colds) while we were there and she claims she had to wash the whole house with lysol after we left. She could not substantiate a claim when questioned that my kids were tearing up her house. I was not aware or made aware of any damage. She has also stopped sending my children gifts or cards because she did not recieve thank you notes in return. They were only three and 18 mo's old at this time. When I asked her why she did not bring this up with my husband or me she did not answer. This situation has gotten out of hand, my husband and I are having problems because I feel he doesn't confront her with her behavior and does not back me up. She seems to delight in causing problems because she gloated as she told me that she and her brother get along just fine. This has caused a serious problem in my marriage, I seriously doubt my husband would support me because he refuses to confront her and justifys her actions. This seems to be history repeating itself. She has a problem with her other brothers wife.
<br><p>[This message has been edited by panduh.]

PanDuh - It sounds to me as though your sister-in-law is simply jealous of the fact that you are now the #1 woman in your husbands life. If they were close growing up, she may resent that you have "stolen" her brother from her. It is common for siblings to be jealous of a new spouse, and some don't handle it well. Do not, however, ask your husband to confront his sister about this.. blood is thicker than water and he may actually resent YOU if you ask. My only recommendation to you is to TRY to get along with this sister-in-law by being aware of how she feels about some of the things you do - silly or not. If you find that civility does not mend the rift, then simply and pleasantly decline to further do anything with her - but continue to let your husband see her if he desires.
<p>As for thank you notes from your children - as an Aunt who has NEVER seen a thank you note from some neices and nephews, I can tell you that I get angry each and every time I buy a gift for what I perceive to be ungrateful children. No matter the battle or pain, you need to force your children to send a thank you (or even a phone call will do) to each person who sends them a gift. This is a very simple habit to start, but one that will serve them well throughout life.

Too Blue, thank you for your reply, I tried to edit the issue about the thank you notes in my last post and ended up with a duplication of the same post. At the time that the sister in law stopped sending the gifts and cards my children were only about 3 years and 18 months old. Hardly old enough to write notes themselves. When I questioned her as to why she did not bring this up with her brother or myself she did not provide and answer. Her pattern is to gossip about complaints rather than deal with a person directly. I can understand your explanation of jealousy being the underlying reason for her behavior, but that does not make it easy to accept her constant attacks and my husbands lack of support. I believe from comments he has made that he realizes her behavior is wrong, but lacks the intestinal fortitude to stand up to her. He is 15 years her senior and does not know her, they did not grow up in the same house together. He was out of the home when she was still a toddler. She looks up to him as a father figure as she has rejected her own father, for reasons I do not understand. She claims her father was mean to her but based on the way she curses her mother I believe there is more to that story. When I confronted her a couple of years ago about her treatment of me she did conclude the conversation stating that if she didn't get along with someone that its best if they don't have any contact. Little did she realize that also meant severing contact with her brother, for which I seem to be the cause. As you suggested in your reply little contact between her and I seems to be the answer, but that is not a permanent solution. Ideally she would apologize and accept people as they are and resolve that people are different and quit talking behind their backs, but that would be the "adult" thing to do. I am not holding my breath for that response.

Too Blue, thank you for your reply, I tried to edit the issue about the thank you notes in my last post and ended up with a duplication of the same post. At the time that the sister in law stopped sending the gifts and cards my children were only about 3 years and 18 months old. Hardly old enough to write notes themselves. When I questioned her as to why she did not bring this up with her brother or myself she did not provide and answer. Her pattern is to gossip about complaints rather than deal with a person directly. I can understand your explanation of jealousy being the underlying reason for her behavior, but that does not make it easy to accept her constant attacks and my husbands lack of support. I believe from comments he has made that he realizes her behavior is wrong, but lacks the intestinal fortitude to stand up to her. He is 15 years her senior and does not know her, they did not grow up in the same house together. He was out of the home when she was still a toddler. She looks up to him as a father figure as she has rejected her own father, for reasons I do not understand. She claims her father was mean to her but based on the way she curses her mother I believe there is more to that story. When I confronted her a couple of years ago about her treatment of me she did conclude the conversation stating that if she didn't get along with someone that its best if they don't have any contact. Little did she realize that also meant severing contact with her brother, for which I seem to be the cause. As you suggested in your reply little contact between her and I seems to be the answer, but that is not a permanent solution. Ideally she would apologize and accept people as they are and resolve that people are different and quit talking behind their backs, but that would be the "adult" thing to do. I am not holding my breath for that response.

How do you get beyond this woman? I have a similar problem with my husband's brother's wife, not the same relationship, but let me try to give you some help. First, see them as little as possible. When you see them, be civil and polite. If she goes on one of her tirades, ask her what is wrong in front of witnesses. Make her take responsibility for her behaviour. "Is something bothering you? You seem upset." is not really a difficult thing to say, but most people are afraid to say it. Never lose your temper with her, and never get into a war with her. If she has a problem with something you or your children have done, even if you think it is ridiculous, just apologise. If you got makeup on her washcloth, apologise. You didn't mean to upset her. No, it's not a big deal, and she can wash it, and she's making a big deal out of nothing. But, if you just say, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Let me wash it for you", that usually shuts them up. If she wants to come off looking like a hero, she'll say, "Oh, no, don't be silly, I'll wash it" and hopefully that will be the end of it.
<p>The problem is that she is petty and spiteful and is unhappy with her own life, so she is trying to bring herself up by pushing people down under her. This is the most immature of behaviours, and you alone are not going to change her. The best thing for you to do is behave so much more maturely that you are beyond reproach. Do you really feel the need to get back at her? She's behaving like a child.
<p>As for your husband, don't pit him into the middle if you can avoid it. Your sister in law has a problem with YOU. Even though you've done nothing to merit this attention from her, the best thing for you to do is just endure the times you have to see her and be the epitome of class. If someone has class, it is difficult to criticise them with any credibility.
<p>Good luck. I know where you're coming from. Just remember: you can't change her. All you can do is be so boring that you are no longer a fun target for her.

Panduh - I agree with Woozie, and think that if you reread your own second note, you will see that this sister-in-law is miserable in her own life, and unfortunately unless she turns things around herself, there is not much you can do. None of us can make anyone else happy.. we must be happy with ourselves in order to be happy with others. And just in your note you state that not only does she not like YOU, but she also speaks poorley of her own mother and has "disowned" her father. This is NOT normal, and it's obvious that this woman has lots of problems to deal with, and none probably REALLY have to do with you.. you're just the brunt of her hurt.
<p>As Woozie stated, your best defense is to simply be civil and mature in her presence. As for your children, you're right that they were a bit too young to be expected to write cards to this woman.. too bad they will grow up knowing that their aunt is not a very nice or charitable person. Hopefully there are other aunts in the family who will make up the difference.
<p>good luck.

Hello everyone!
<br>I've had a similar problem with my sisters-in law since my husband and I were married. We actually used to be friends and somehow I thought they'd be happy we were married then they started picking faults with me, making comments at my home, expecting me to wait hand and foot on them and if my husband would turn them down for anything they would go in a mood and refuse to talk to us and spread the word that "his wife is turning him against us". It's been like this ever since, they haven't spoken to us for three years now. The kept throwing remarks at me, my looks, everything and more recently at my newly-born daughter whose only fault in this world is that I'm her mother. They are so spiteful that they would not ask after their brother, never mind me, after an operation or when he has gone abroad or anything. How can sisters and brothers be like that? Now I've learned to deal with them by ignoring them whenever I can and not show them how hurt I can get by their comments because when my husband stood up for me out of his own accord it only served to widen the gap between him and them and they became more certain that it must've been me pushing it all. I'm tired of acting all mature because no-one appreciates this. My husband sometimes forgets the real reason why I don't go with him to visit them more often and nags me about it although I find it's the only way I can save myself, my daughter and him, the tension and aggrevation. They are immature and i don't know of any other way to deal with them. I've tried even speaking to their older brother to try and fix things between them, and leave me out of it all, but still it did no good. Any advice?