Have read of verbally abusive relationships, but what do you do when you have the opposite problem?
<br>

Renee,
<p>What do you mean by the opposite? Is it that your husband does not react to anything, or is it that he just doesn't care?
<p>Steph

Steph, thanks for replying. I'm new to this and cut myself off (clicked on the wrong place) before I explained my problem in more detail.
<p>Basically, I have a very nonassertive husband. He loathes any kind of confrontation and therefore will easily acquiesce to people before asserting or even questioning them (questioning might get their ire up and lead to confrontation). For example, when dealing with repairmen or salespeople,if extra charges are added on he would rather just pay then ask why they were there. While we are both shy people, I have made some inroads toward asserting myself, though am still uncomfortable doing it sometimes. It seems he "leans" on me when out together in public situations and I become our spokesman when shopping for major purchases or at parties where we don't know anyone. I feel uncomfortable when salesmen look at my husband and ask questions, and then I'm the one speaking up (he'll just look to me). I feel it demasculates my husband and makes me appear as a bossy shrew or something. Call me old-fashioned, but I always pictured my husband "wearing the pants in the family", not me. In our private lives when we have a disagreement (which is usually a result of my forcing the issue because he just won't talk) he will placate me to come to an agreement, but then when we apply the "agreement", say disciplining our sons, he does not back me up, plus I again am doing all the talking. I am frustrated with this situation and would like him to get some assertiveness training. He says he does not have a desire to "change" his personality. Yet, this affects Honesty issues in our marriage and we seem to be in a vicious cycle. I need him to converse and be honest about his feelings. Any suggestions?

Renee, I was knocked off of my feet when I saw your post. I have the same problem! It is embarassing for me to talk about and I thought that I was the only one having this problem. Like you, I too thought that my husband would be the one to "wear the pants" in the family, but it has not been so and I find it distressing. I have had many comments about him being "henpecked" and me being "bossy". I would love for him to take the leadership role, but no matter what I do I cannot seem to make him take it.
<p>This seems to roll over and affect his roles of provider and protector also (two of my primary needs). I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hope that someone posts some helpful and encouraging insight to this problem.

I too am dealing with a non-assertive husband in certain ways. We have been up in Seattle for two years (we moved here for me to go to graduate school) and for two years my husband has been doing temp work and will not be assertive in the marketplace. He's a fine art photographer and won't make any compromises in his work to make it more commercial.
<p>I've been coming to grips with marital expectations that have been with me since I was a little girl--that I wouldn't be the one to be the major breadwinner, that the relationship would be equally "driven" by each, etc.
<p>I think it's important when the reactions come up that he "doesn't want to change his personality" or "how can we make him....(whatever)" that we realize that we married a particular person for a particular reason. That is, we were attracted to these men for their personalities, shyness and all, and we must learn to work with those personalities even though they conflict with what was ingrained in us about what a husband was.
<p>I think it's important to recognize the positive aspects of this personality trait, like heightened sensitivity, and to praise him in positive ways for who he is. In what ways were we attracted to this personality trait when we first started getting together? He needs to know that you love him for him. After he's secure in that, then he will work with you on particular issues, only after he's reassured that you're a team, and doesn't feel ganged up on.
<p>I have learned in this process that I need to get used to doing certain things for myself. If I want something done for example, rather than making him do it and expecting that it be done in a certain way (and a way that is contrary to his nature), to do it myself. Not to take on the world, but to take the pressure off of him.
<p>Anyway, that's my initial reaction. It's a difficult situation, and has certainly, in my case at least, made me think about leaving. I feel, though, with this approach, that things will turn around. It all boils down to the expectations/particular man conflict, I think. Glad to talk more about this. Let me know what you think. --Lisa

Renee,
<br>I have a problem similare to yours and have found that counseling has helped me a great deal. My counselor has given me things that I can do for myself which in turn helps to bring him out. It's kind of a sneaky way to lure him out but so far it is helping quite a bit. It has also made me a stronger person. Good Luck!
<br>Steph

Hi, guys. Enjoyed the comments, but would I would like to know is is it really possible to be happy under these circumstances if your expectations are not being met? From what I am reading, it looks like a scenario where you are just "settling". I know that you don't get EVERYTHING that you want when you marry, but shouldn't your major expectations be met? My experience is that the man finally starts getting on your nerves when you have to do everything, as if you are his mother are something, and he turns out to be more of an irritation than a husband. It is hard to respect him under these circumstances. I would like to see more comment on this.

I'm not sure if one's expectations should be met necessarily, at least not by another person. Sometimes expectations need to be looked at and adjusted. If you leave the relationship, but take the expectations with you, you might never be happy. I'm not talking about lowering standards of happiness, or settling for a miserable situation, but I think trying to turn the guy into something he just isn't is bound to fail. I'm also talking about a relationship that has some goodness left in it--if there's no love, or no way to retrieve love, then it's probably best to leave.
<p>I think sometimes we tend not to give men the praise and approval they need because of our focus on what we need to get done, or what they *aren't* doing. We are in relationships because we want to be loved for who we are and given the approval that we perhaps didn't get. So, if we give our men acceptance and love first, and let them know that they are in a safe place, it is easier to work on the other things afterward. By no means am I advocating doormat mode--instead I'm talking about the things that are in our power to do.
<p>I'd like to pass this along--a book I just picked up--How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Closer Together--I think that's it--by Susan Page. It has been a good resource for helping me rethink my approach to some problems. Lately I've been reworking a lot of my life expectations, including the ones that I thought my husband should fulfill for me, thanks to this book. I have slowly changed my verbal interactions with my husband--praising him for what he has been doing, for example--bringing us closer for when the sticky conversations do come up (we haven't addressed non-assertiveness yet, but we did have a money fight this weekend that went very well, if you can believe it). I can actually feel him getting more involved in our relationship and in our projects--that's the result I want versus making him feel small and worthless.
<p>I know this response sounds too rosy and optimistic, but I think if trying to change another person by hounding him, or doing everything for both of you and being mad about it isn't working, then the tactics need to change. What can you do differently to get the results you want? Or at least move in that direction?

Ihaveasimmilarsituation,butithastodowithhislackofambition.Ididnotmarrymyhusbandthinkinghewouldsupportme,I'mveryindependantandhavebeenworkingatthesamecompanyfor4yearsnow.Iwillsoonbe23andmyhusband29,andinthe2yearswehavebeenmarriedandthe2yearsbeforethatwelivedtogetherhehasgonethrough4jobs.Hestayswiththemtillhegetsto"stressed"thenfindssomethingelse.Thelastjobhequitwasrightafterwegotmarriedandthoughthemoneywasgreattheworkingconditionswerehorrible.Iwouldneverwantmyhusbandtoworkinaplacethatwasbadforhishealthbutwhatfollowedinthenexttwomonthsalmostmademereconsider.Inthetwomonthshewasoutofworkhemaybewenton2interviewsaweek.Therestofthetimehesatathomewatchingtv.Iwouldcomehometofindoverduemoviesthathedidnotreturn.Hedidnotunderstandwhythatwassuchabigdeal.Whenonlyonepersoninthefamilyisworking,latefee'sareabigdealwhenyouhavenomoney,especiallywhenhewasjusttolazytogetuptoreturnit.IfItriedtosayanythingtohimaboutgettingouttheretolookforwork,thenIwasnotbeingsupportiveenoughandhewouldgointohisImsostressedandcan'tfindajobroutine.Hefinallyfoundajobthatsuiteshimfine,butagainthe"stress"isgettingtohimandheisaskingifIwillsupporthisdecisionifhequits.IsayofcourseIwillbutwhatareyougoingtodo?Gobacktoschool?what?Noanswer.NothinghashappenedyetbutifhequitsanotherjobIdontthinkIwillbeabletohandlemyownstress.ButhowdoItalktohimwithouthurtinghismaleegoandwithouthimthinkingIdontsupporthisdecisions?Ilovethismanwithallmyheartandforeverywonderfulqualityhehasexceptthisoneflaw.IneedtoknowIhavesomestabilityinmylifewithhim,Ifhecan'tgivemethat........whatisthere?Ifeelsohorrible.
<p>I'msoconfused.
<br>Help,
<br>cris

Ihaveasimmilarsituation,butithastodowithhislackofambition.Ididnotmarrymyhusbandthinkinghewouldsupportme,I'mveryindependantandhavebeenworkingatthesamecompanyfor4yearsnow.Iwillsoonbe23andmyhusband29,andinthe2yearswehavebeenmarriedandthe2yearsbeforethatwelivedtogetherhehasgonethrough4jobs.Hestayswiththemtillhegetsto"stressed"thenfindssomethingelse.Thelastjobhequitwasrightafterwegotmarriedandthoughthemoneywasgreattheworkingconditionswerehorrible.Iwouldneverwantmyhusbandtoworkinaplacethatwasbadforhishealthbutwhatfollowedinthenexttwomonthsalmostmademereconsider.Inthetwomonthshewasoutofworkhemaybewenton2interviewsaweek.Therestofthetimehesatathomewatchingtv.Iwouldcomehometofindoverduemoviesthathedidnotreturn.Hedidnotunderstandwhythatwassuchabigdeal.Whenonlyonepersoninthefamilyisworking,latefee'sareabigdealwhenyouhavenomoney,especiallywhenhewasjusttolazytogetuptoreturnit.IfItriedtosayanythingtohimaboutgettingouttheretolookforwork,thenIwasnotbeingsupportiveenoughandhewouldgointohisImsostressedandcan'tfindajobroutine.Hefinallyfoundajobthatsuiteshimfine,butagainthe"stress"isgettingtohimandheisaskingifIwillsupporthisdecisionifhequits.IsayofcourseIwillbutwhatareyougoingtodo?Gobacktoschool?what?Noanswer.NothinghashappenedyetbutifhequitsanotherjobIdontthinkIwillbeabletohandlemyownstress.ButhowdoItalktohimwithouthurtinghismaleegoandwithouthimthinkingIdontsupporthisdecisions?Ilovethismanwithallmyheartandforeverywonderfulqualityhehasexceptthisoneflaw.IneedtoknowIhavesomestabilityinmylifewithhim,Ifhecan'tgivemethat........whatisthere?Ifeelsohorrible.
<p>I'msoconfused.
<br>Help,
<br>crisIhaveasimmilarsituation,butithastodowithhislackofambition.Ididnotmarrymyhusbandthinkinghewouldsupportme,I'mveryindependantandhavebeenworkingatthesamecompanyfor4yearsnow.Iwillsoonbe23andmyhusband29,andinthe2yearswehavebeenmarriedandthe2yearsbeforethatwelivedtogetherhehasgonethrough4jobs.Hestayswiththemtillhegetsto"stressed"thenfindssomethingelse.Thelastjobhequitwasrightafterwegotmarriedandthoughthemoneywasgreattheworkingconditionswerehorrible.Iwouldneverwantmyhusbandtoworkinaplacethatwasbadforhishealthbutwhatfollowedinthenexttwomonthsalmostmademereconsider.Inthetwomonthshewasoutofworkhemaybewenton2interviewsaweek.Therestofthetimehesatathomewatchingtv.Iwouldcomehometofindoverduemoviesthathedidnotreturn.Hedidnotunderstandwhythatwassuchabigdeal.Whenonlyonepersoninthefamilyisworking,latefee'sareabigdealwhenyouhavenomoney,especiallywhenhewasjusttolazytogetuptoreturnit.IfItriedtosayanythingtohimaboutgettingouttheretolookforwork,thenIwasnotbeingsupportiveenoughandhewouldgointohisImsostressedandcan'tfindajobroutine.Hefinallyfoundajobthatsuiteshimfine,butagainthe"stress"isgettingtohimandheisaskingifIwillsupporthisdecisionifhequits.IsayofcourseIwillbutwhatareyougoingtodo?Gobacktoschool?what?Noanswer.NothinghashappenedyetbutifhequitsanotherjobIdontthinkIwillbeabletohandlemyownstress.ButhowdoItalktohimwithouthurtinghismaleegoandwithouthimthinkingIdontsupporthisdecisions?Ilovethismanwithallmyheartandforeverywonderfulqualityhehasexceptthisoneflaw.IneedtoknowIhavesomestabilityinmylifewithhim,Ifhecan'tgivemethat........whatisthere?Ifeelsohorrible.
<p>I'msoconfused.
<br>Help,
<br>cris

Steph, would be very interested in some examples of suggestions the counselor gave you. If you would explain an few situations and how you handled it in a "sneaky" way I would appreciate it. Lisa, I can appreciate not wanting to change a person, but when we first married 26 years ago (I was 18, he 25) he was very much "the pants" and I feel he's changed. As I grew up, I found him relying more on me to do "the dirty stuff". I also find embarrassing the "henpecked" comments I've heard as Vickylb has, how do you keep up his pride and my own when outsiders observe what's happening?

Renee,
<p>Most of the stuff I have done so far has applied to certain circumstances but the general idea is this. Start with something small. And some times its hard to pick it but she said that most men that don't do the big things usually don't do the little things either like what to have for dinner. I don't know if this is where it is for you but my husband wouldn't ever pick a resturaunt. I always had to pick. So this is where I started. I would call him at work and ask what he wanted for dinner. When he would say whatever you want I would tell him I wanted to make the dinner just for him so he needed to say. I did this every day for a week. At the begining of the second week when I would call he would just tell me without me being ask. The next step was to give him some of the responsibilities that I had but felt like he should at least have a part of. My choice was paying the bills. He would give me his whole paycheck, take a set amount and then I had to deal with the rest. I felt that he should at least help me budget and pay the bills so that when things were tight it wasn't me taking the blame he would know where things went. This just took me making him sit down with me. I told him it was too big a job for me to handle. The hardest things she has told me to do so far is to sit back and not jump in and answer for him when we are together, and to also not sweat the little stuff. I'm just starting this so I don't really have that many examples and to be honest I am meeting much resistance. I'm going to keep trying it though. One thing my therapist did tell me though was that if he really didn't want to change nothing I did would make a difference. If he has already said that he doesn't want to change then you might get some but not all that you want. Good Luck!!
<br>Steph