I've been married for four years and have an infant son. Although I knew my husband had had some questions about his sexuality before me, I was under the impression that his questions were resolved before we were married and that they would never resurface. It's now gotten to the point that he is totally unhappy and believes that 95% of his unhappiness stems from questioning his sexuality and wondering what it would be like with a man. He had that experience as a young boy (it was mutually consented), but still wonders now and feels like if he did it, he would get it out of his system, even though he knows that isn't right. I am totally at a loss for what to do. I know that I can't meet my husbands emotional needs because I am totally disgusted and sickened that this is even an issue. I resent the fact that he didn't more fully disclose this problem when we were dating. I want to be married to him and want to help him but I am really scared for our son and it's very difficult to try to remain above water when these issues are going on in our household. Any suggestions? Should we see a marriage counselor together? Should he go to a counselor by himself?

Joyless
<p>I cannot begin to imagine what you must be feeling. I've often heard of such things happening and have always thought how hard that would be, even worse than infidelity. Though I have not walked a mile in your shoes, I would think that your husband would be helped to seek counseling individually and that later you could be brought in on it.
<p>His problem certainly involves the two of you but the issue of your marriage cannot actually be resolved until he has had time to work through his feelings. No matter how much he wants the marriage to work, it will not necessarily change how he feels, whether what he feels is "right" or "wrong".
<p>I would think if he has the chance to sit down with someone who could help him work through his thoughts and feelings "if I experiment, how will I feel afterwards if i liked it? If i didn't like it how will I feel? How will my wife feel?" I suspect these are things that he will need help thinking through and it would be better coming from a third party who will not be affected.
<p>He may think that if he "gets it out of his system" that he'll be okay but he's not realizing that in doing so he is adding a great many complications to his life and is he prepared to deal with THOSE things as well?
<p>I wish you all the luck Joyless.

Joyless
<p> I know exactly what you are going through. My first husband left me after 2 years of marriage...to live with a man. It is a devastating thing to go through. I have many 'stories' to tell you and a lot of advice also...I normally dont do this...but you may email me at kellian28@hotmail.com if you want to talk more about your situation...I know how hard this is for you...and I will help you in any way I can...
<br>you are in my thoughts and prayers...stay strong and know that you have done nothing wrong...you have done NOTHING to 'make' your husband question his sexuality. Take care of yourself and your son...things will work out...and you will be happy.
<br>Kellian

My husband insists that he is not a homosexual but he NEVER touches me, doesn't watch "girls" in movies, wears thong underwear (though I have asked him not to), I have seen him looking at gay porno on internet (says he got there by mistake) and he has started shaving his balls though I have begged him not to. He only wants me to do oral sex on him - has no interest in me sexually. Do I have my head in the sand? Please share

carolsue
<p>Oh my. While reading your post, I had some serious flashbacks. I dont want to alarm you here, but yes, I think you may have something to worry about. My exhusband (who is gay) did a lot of the things you describe your husband doing. He wore g-string underwear, shaved his private area, as well as his chest, and his (how do i put this tactfully?), his butt crack. He wanted to perform anal sex on me (i said NO WAY)!
<br>Women didnt turn him on, he would comment on the way different men were dressed, it got to the point where he wouldnt even come in the bathroom when I was in there nude. He didnt want to see me nude. The only time he seemed interested in sex was after he spent a lot of time in the bathroom, I found out later that he would go in there and masturbate (using different things to anally stimulate himself to get turned on). I , too thought the things he did were strange, but I burried my head in the sand, and it caused me so much pain. If only I would have confronted him, or...oh I dont know, done SOMETHING to find out the truth.
<br>I think you need to sit down with him and seriously talk, although I know of no way to get him to be honest about it. My ex didnt tell me the 'whole' story until we had been separated for quite a while.
<br>Read my other post here, and feel free to email me. Good luck to you, my prayers are with you.

Kellian: Your words cut deep - I feel like crying. I have asked my husband point blank on more than one occasion, and he adamantly denies being gay. He won't kiss me or touch me - he says he is just not a romantic. We have a great life otherwise - good friends, building a business, ride motorcycles. However, he does have Hepatits C and is undergoing interferon treatments which is hard. Come to find out he knew he had it before we were married and didn't tell me. That hurt me alot - he said it didn't seem important at the time. He hasn't worried about infecting me.
<br> On the other hand, I used to be really fat and I'm not so bad looking now but I am soft and flabby. I can see why I don't turn him on or why he doesn't want to touch me.
<br> He only wants to lie back and have me perform oral sex on him. I've tried to accomodate him until now I am frigid.
<br> I do not want our marriage to end - I feel like crying - wow the more I write the more I see how much denial I am probably in.
<br> I don't know whether to confront him again, or just wait it out. This is my 3rd marriage and I feel really embarrassed to have another failure (guess I have a pride thing going on).
<br> I have kept this all a secret because I have wanted to protect him and I felt like it was partly my fault too. All our friends love and admire him and I couldn't confide in them. Thank you a thousand times for being there and answering me back. I continue to ask your advice and I thank God for you.
<p>

carolsue
<br>I wish I had more time to respond to your last post, but I have to leave for the hospital soon (my father in law has cancer and just had surgery).
<br>First, you are not at fault here, IF your husband is in fact gay, YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO 'MAKE' HIM THIS WAY. Second, the way you look has no bearing on this issue either, I also thought that my appearance repulsed my husband (I gain weight after the birth of our daughter). It didnt help any to hear my mother in law say (after she found out why we got divorced) "You were such a terrible wife that you TURNED him gay!" WOW! What a boost to your self esteem. (I guess it was hard on her to learn of her only sons sexuality, she had to blame it on someone).
<br>IF your marriage fails because of this, you are not a failure and I dont ever want you to feel that way. IF your husband is gay, you have not failed in anything, his being gay is not something that you could have any control over.
<br>I must close this post now, but I will write more later this evening.
<br>Take one day at a time, things will work out.
<br>God bless you. My prayers are with you.

Anyone with a spouse who is questioning sexuality should look at the resources on <A HREF="http://members.fortunecity.com/str8/str8talk." TARGET=_blank>http://members.fortunecity.com/str8/str8talk.</A> There are links to the Straight Spouse Support Network there. <P>Unfortunately, there is no "cure" for same-sex orientation, and the spouse did not "cause" it, either.<BR>

Joyless,<BR>When I was in Christian College in St.Paul,there was a man from Outpost Ministries in Minneapolis who came to one of my classes and spoke of their ministry to gays. A few years later I lived next door to a lady whose husband left her to become gay and I contacted Outpost and they sent me some excellent reading material which I forwarded to this neighbor to help her and her husband. <P>After reading your message here, I tried to look up Outpost on the internet to check for their current location and phone. All I found was a listing that included Outpost but no specific address or phone. You could do further research about Outpost and these other resources, though I am not familiar with them. I highly respected Outpost.<P>From internet:<P>The following organizations purport that they can change the sexual orientation of lesbian, gay, bisexual an transgender people through prayer, twelve-step type programs or behavior modification. <BR> <BR>Crossover (Doug Horton) <BR>Desert Stream, Los Angeles, CA <BR>Exodus International, San Rafael, CA <BR>His Heart Ministries, Aurora, CO <BR>Homosexuals Anonymous, Forth Worth, TX <BR>Homosexuals Anonymous Fellowship, Reading, PA <BR>Isaih 56 (Terry Wier), Dallas, TX <BR>Living Hope Ministries (Eddie Traughber), Arlington, TX <BR>Living Waters Ministry (Jeff Jeffus), Arlington, TX <BR>Love In Action, San Rafael, CA <BR>North American Parents & Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX), Anthony Falzarano, Washington, DC <BR>Outpost, Inc., Minneapolis, MN <BR>Spatula Ministries, La Habra, CA <P>Praying you and your husband can get through this.<BR>

Dear carolsue - <P>Don't know if you're still around since your post is so old, but here are my thoughts:<P><BR>My husband insists that he is not a homosexual but he NEVER touches me, doesn't watch "girls" in movies, wears thong underwear (though I have asked him not to), I have seen him looking at gay porno on internet (says he got there by mistake) and he has started shaving his balls though I have begged him not to. He only wants me to do oral sex on him - has no interest in me sexually. Do I have my head in the sand?<P>Yes, carolsue, you definitely have a big problem; or rather, your husband has a big problem. First, it takes an awful number of serial “mistakes” to get on a gay porno site... Regarding his shaving his testicles, for whom has he done this, since not for you? For him to look at and admire in the mirror himself? I don’t think so. Regarding him only wanting oral sex, gosh, that would feel exactly the same whether a man or a woman was giving it to him, wouldn’t it? <P>You didn’t have any inklings of a problem in this area before you were married? Many men who are ashamed of their orientation get married and have children (or enter the priesthood), thinking that a “normal life” will “cure” them. That’s because they are immature and weak and fearful, and getting married (doing what they are “supposed” to do) is much easier (on THEM!) than dealing with the problem. Usually the lie ends up shattering the lives of the innocent partner and children.<P>Do you have children yet?<BR>******************************************<BR>He won't kiss me or touch me - he says he is just not a romantic. <P>Hello? Being romantic has virtually nothing to do with whether a person wants to be kissed or touched. Whether one is attracted to another has everything to do with whether one wants to be kissed or touched. <BR>*******************************************<BR>However, he does have Hepatitis C and is undergoing interferon treatments which is hard. Come to find out he knew he had it before we were married and didn't tell me. That hurt me alot - he said it didn't seem important at the time. He hasn't worried about infecting me. <P>Hello? Your husband seems incredibly selfish to be able to withhold that he has a sexually transmitted disease from you, and even though the rate of sexual transmission is low (among partners, about 1% of the uninfected partners become infected each year), you definitely should be using condoms. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I would seriously question if someone capable of such lack of concern for my well-being loved me at all.<BR>*******************************************<BR>On the other hand, I used to be really fat and I'm not so bad looking now but I am soft and flabby. I can see why I don't turn him on or why he doesn't want to touch me. He only wants to lie back and have me perform oral sex on him. I've tried to accommodate him until now I am frigid. <P>Stop it, carolsue. Whether you’re soft and flabby or not, if a man loves you, a man loves you. (I am, however, assuming you’re not, say, 500 pounds...) If he is so shallow that only tight abs will save your marriage, you were already doomed before you were married. I understand why you would accommodate him for a while, but what about your sexual needs? How is he at fulfilling those? The next time he wants to be serviced (and that IS what is happening now), why don’t you agree to do so if he will give you a decent full-body massage with oil first? Listen carefully to his response.<P>Have you both completed and shared the Emotional Needs Questionnaire on this website? Even if he refuses, I think it would be a good idea for you, as it would allow you to determine exactly what you’re getting out of this relationship. <BR>*******************************************<BR>I don't know whether to confront him again, or just wait it out. This is my 3rd marriage and I feel really embarrassed to have another failure (guess I have a pride thing going on). I have kept this all a secret because I have wanted to protect him...<P>Living a lie is never preferable to living the truth, even if it could be perceived as “another failure”. I think instead you should discover why you’re getting married to men who do not turn out to be compatible. Are you getting married too quickly before truly knowing the person? Why don’t you spend some time thinking about what you thought of each of your husbands on your three wedding days - make a list of the positive and negative characteristics you perceived. Then make another list of what you perceive about their characteristics now. <P>Also, try to determine your own emotional needs through the Questionnaire, and give a copy to your husband even if he won’t fill one out for you. Insist on total honesty from him regarding his problem, and try to stay calm and not get upset to make it easier for him to open up. If that doesn’t open a dialogue, go to counseling with him. <P>When you refer to “wait it out”, that’s probably a reaction to being afraid to reach the conclusion of the situation here. Your husband is either committed to working on your relationship or he’s not. Waiting will not change the answer to that question. Also ask him what you can do to be a better partner to him - try the Plan A stuff for a while. By the way, (as if it was a detail) do you love him?<P>Assuming he’s gay, no, that has nothing to do with you. You don’t “turn” someone straight or gay. It sounds like he was too afraid to really know himself before inflicting himself on someone else (you). You talk of having pride - why don’t you forget about what others think of you - that doesn’t get you anywhere. Instead, why don’t you concentrate on your own self-esteem - believe that you are a good person with a lot to give and that you deserve a loving, respectful union with another person.<P>As I’m sure this mess is really getting you down, I suggest you take B-complex vitamins (50 m.g., three times a day). I and many of my friends take B-complex to get us through stressful times - we really notice a significant difference!<P>Good luck to you! Gobyfish<p>[This message has been edited by gobyfish (edited May 22, 2001).]