We are together for four years and married for seven months. My husband and I are both executives in different companies and we share a lot in common including hobbies and sports. I am 37 never married before and he was married four times and have two daughters(9 and 13) from the first one. Probelm is when we first met I told him about all my restritions about children and basically, I don't like kids. We started to date... fall in love...marriage like everybody else with the condition that his kids will stay with us twice a month, in weekends. It's working OK until their mother getting a job far way from home and she left the two kids alone at home with theirs 16 years old nanny. My husband has to be in charge of them but they grow up totally alone bacause their mom has a drink problem, one reason they divorced 8 yeras ago. He is assisting them everyday, talking and meetinf often. But on the other hand he totally neglets me, he's being rude, non talking and so on. It will last until december when their mother will came back but he doens't talk to me about anything, just ignore me and he said that he can't believe that the litlle daugher camo from him. She has all kind of problem and from time to time she has to go on therapy everyday. Yesterday she called my home, I answered and she told me she only will speak to my husband again when we get divorced. I think it's OK to feel that way but what make me really upset is that he does not do anything to stablish limits. When I was litlle girl, if I say that to someone my father will punish me for it. They have no limits, they can do everything they want to and for him it's OK as far as he can give them money to leave him alone. I do not have anything to do with all this situation unless it starts to threat my marriage, and that's what is going on.
<br>Please, help me with ideas!

Lisa,
<br>I don't mean to sound harsh but you seem very selfish. Whether or not you had told your husband about your dislike for any and all children when you married him you married his children. How dare you blame the children for how they are? They have obviously been put through much more than they deserve. And from what you have said, have not been shown by either father or mother a mature way to act. If I were you I would pity the children and thank God that your husband is caring enough to do something for them. How can you even suggest that he should ignore their needs. He is their father and should take responsibilty no matter what his current wife thinks.

Lisa
<p>I agree totally with what Steph said. I dont want to sound harsh either, but it seems to me that you need to take a course in sympathy. My husband has 2 children from his first marriage, his ex wife also has an alcohol problem and is in our eyes an unfit mother. I have readily agreed to have his children live with us...NO child should be forced to live the way. No matter how you feel about children, you love your husband, and should also love his kids, and be there to support them and help them in any way you can. I know that if I talked about my husbands children the way you talk about your husbands children, he would be short with me too, as your husband is with you. Think about this Lisa...you could be a good role model for these children if you tried.
<br>Kellian

I don't care if this sounds harsh. If you really do not care for these children at all, then you have no bussiness being in their lives period, and absoulutely no right to a say in their disipline. These children have a
<br>lot of problems to deal with. They need their father greatly. why would you expect them to treat you respectfully when you obviosly not only dislike them, but resent their very exsistence? Perhaps you could join the youngest daughter on one of her trips to the therapist and get some help for yourself.
<br>Good Luck,
<br>Skeptic

To all of you:
<br>I think that it's very easy to criticize instead of help people, and that's why I wrote in the Forum. Why don't all of you try at least once to get a 14 hours/day job, manage your boss, co-workers, business trips sometimes five days in Hotel all over the world, answers your calls, share all home bill with your husbands, buy groceries, go to the gym for your health sake, provides care for your old parents, take care of you maid, driver and pets...and in the weekends you have a husband who sits down with the paper and a drink and let his kids cuss and kick the maid, eat with their hands, hit my dog, watch TV until 4 AM every night, eat in front of TV with hudge bags of junkie food... and you can't say anything about it because their are not your kids and you are not supposed to say anything. Everytime you say something - like eat with fork and knife in the table - the father come to you and say let them do the way they want to, or, the oldest one came to me asking about having sex - AT 13 - he says I should be away from it, it's their problem and the mother thinks it's OK. And I think you didn't get the point- he complains all the time that he doesn't believe that those kids were born from him...and so on... If there were someone who forced him to get linked with them it was me, three years ago, otherwise they will be totally abandon... Very easy to criticize and see me as a devil ...walk on my shoes...everything is beautifull and divine for whom decided only to raise kids in small cities in the country and do nothing else in life...

Lisa...
<br>You say that you have such a busy life, well let me share with you my busy life. I may not have a job outside the home. BUT...I raise my 4 children and my 2 step children. I am very busy doing just that. My husband works long hard hours and I take responsibility for everything else. I do laundry for 8 people...cook for 8 people...clean up after 8 people...grocery shop for 8 people...there are gymnastics lessons, baton lessons, PTO meetings, I am a room mother for 2 children at school... there are school functions, doctors appointments, bottles and dirty diapers. There are 2am feedings, 4am nightmares, and the problem of why my 8 year old still wets the bed. There are noses to be wiped, cuts and scrapes to be cleaned and bandaged. And then there is my husband. I am a sounding board for all his work related problems. A wife and mother wears so many hats...doctor, counselor, maid, cook, taxi service, fashion consultant, confidant...the list is endless. But no matter how busy I may be with one aspect of my life, the kids always come first. I am not saying that you are a bad person, I am saying that maybe you have made some bad choices. Sit down with your husband and try to talk about this...dont put his children down, or put him down in the roll he is playing in their lives. Suggest counseling for the two of you , and then involve the children. You can learn to love them. I know where you are, my husband had a lot of problems with disipline in the beginning, but we worked them out. Much luck to you
<br>

Lisa,
<br>If what you say is true than your problem is not the children but your husband. Do you think he would act any differently if they were not around? And don't think I don't know what it is like to have alot to do. I have a carrer and three children of my own and no help from my husband and I can and do do it ALL. I think you are in the right to discipline them while they are in your home and your husband is wrong to not let you but let just make sure that your discipline is for the right reason and in the right ways. I would sit down with your husband and lay it on the line that in your house you would like things to maintain some level of discipline. I don't think you are out of line to do this. But to say that you hate the children is not going to get them to act better for you. Even if you don't say it they sense it and won't want to behave for someone they know hates them. Good Luck
<br>Steph

You shouldn't have married him if you didn't like kids. It's a package deal.

Ryan
<p>I agree with you totally. This is my second marriage (I got really stupid at the age of 18 and got married the first time), When I met my currant husband and we started dating seriously, I told him "Love my kids before you love me." It is a package deal. And a great one at that!
<p>Lisa:
<p>You knew when you married your husband that he had children..whether or not they are his biologically does not matter... he is the only father they have ever known. Again, I hate to sound harsh here, but how could you restrict his visits with his kids? What right did you have? If you had children of your own, how would you feel if someone restricted your visits with your them? And as a child, how would you feel about someone who restricted the time you spent with one of your parents? Kids are not stupid, they can sense when they are not liked or wanted.
<br>My son, at the early age of 13 months knew that my father didnt like kids and would never go near him. As for the matter of the childrens manners, that is not their fault either if what you say about thier mother is true. Children learn what they see, what they are taught. If their mother never spent any time with them, then they werent taught the 'correct' way to act. As far as your husband telling you not to discapline the kids, well this is how I feel on that subject: When the kids are in your house, they shall follow your rules. Example: When my step children first started comming to my house, the 7 year old girl wore make-up. I told her to wash her face before we went out...her reply to me was "My mom lets me wear make-up" My response to her was this..."This is my house, young lady, and while you are here you will follow my rules. 7 year old girls are not permitted to wear make-up in my house." She got upset and ran to her father, who agreed with me. I did it tactfully, not yelling or demeaning.
<br>Talking to children....and I mean really talking,getting down on their level, and speaking to them is so very important.
<br>One more area before I close this post.
<br>You mentioned that the 13 year old girl was asking you about sex. You should be greatful that she is talking to you about it, honestly. My oldest step daughter (who will be 13 in October) talks to me about a number of 'personal' issues. Sex, starting her period, and so on. Her own mother wont answer her questions, so she comes to me. Teenage girls NEED a female 'role model', if you will. Try sitting down and talking to her about these 'personal' issues, and be as honest with her as you can about things. You will be gaining her respect and trust, and her behavior is very likely to change for the better if you give her the respect and attention she so desperately needs. You may be the person that changes this young girls life.
<p>Good Luck to you!!

LISA,<BR> EVERYONE IS BEING SO HARD ON YOU I THINK THEY REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND UNLESS THEY ARE VERY VERY CARING PERSON. BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE TWO STEPCHILDERN AND THEY ARE THE BIGGEST PAIN IN THE BUTT. IF I DID NOT HAVE SUCH A GREAT HUSBAND I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT TWICE BEFORE I MARRIED SOMEONE WITH KIDS. BUT ISN'T YOUR HAPPINESS IMPORTANT OR JUST THE KIDS.

Hello Lisa,<P>Just a few words of advice (from another step-mom):<P>Those kids are HIS, and how he handles them is his business and ONLY his. Yes, you have a right to be upset about how he treats YOU, and you and he can certainly discuss (not in front of the kids) how you feel, but his children are his to love, discipline, and care for.<P>I don't think you have to love (or even like) his children... but, you'd better care about their wellbeing and accept them as a part of your life. <P>You do NOT have a responsibility in the same way that your H does for his children, but you do have a responsibility to help him raise them. <P>Remember that they have gone through a VERY DIFFICULT time (their dad's been married four times, for goodness sakes and their mother drinks?).<P>Be patient. It takes time. Being a girlfriend is different than being a wife, and that takes some adjusting.<P>Best wishes to you.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

I do not think that you are wrong at all to not want kids. Many people do not want kids, and that does not make you a bad person.<P>But, the problem is that if you marry someone with kids, you end up being partially responsible for them. I do not mean to sound critical of you...I honestly think you had very little idea of what you were getting into in marrying a man with kids.<P>Unfortunately, your H sounds like a big, big part of the problem. Maybe it is time for him to learn to be a better husband and father. And, maybe it is possible for you all to learn to function better as a family. <P>Have you considered family counseling?<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited June 17, 2001).]

deleted<p>[This message has been edited by purplelipstick (edited June 23, 2001).]

I can truly relate to your situation, but I'm on the other end. I am also in a relationship with a man who has two kids, as do I. We will be together three years next week and I'm sure it won't last until then. His kids are straight A students who, in his eyes, do nothing wrong. They can smart mouth, leave their messes, and be total little snots, but he doesn't see it. But....if my kids leave a bike on the grass or crayons out and it's a major bit#$ fest. He acts on the outside world like the nicest guy you could ever meet. But then he does the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde routine and all you want to do is stay away. The saddest part of it is that as a couple, no kids involved, we are a perfect match. We are actually going to counseling to try and deal with managing each other's kids, but it's not working. We live together and work together and it's become sheer hell. Sometimes, as hard as it is, and it is extremely hard for me, you have to let go. Your kids have got to come first and if your partner isn't treating them properly in one way or another, you've got to let him/her go. Easy to say. You have to understand that these kids will always be in his life...ALWAYS. Fortunately, kids grow up and hopefully as they grow they get rid of their annoying habits. Unfortunatly you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Adults are how they are and unless they have a real desire to change or become more accepting of situations, you can't expect things to be the way you wish they could. As much as his kids annoy me, I would tolerate them because they do grow up and go out on their own. Maybe you could try a little more tolerance. It's so hard, I know, but if you really love him.... Unfortunately for me, he can't see that.....he'd rather spend all his time complaining about them rather than trying to focus on their good aspects. You really should try to be more accepting. If you can't, you've go to move on or it will eat you up more than it already has. Trust me. I'm living it...for now.