These are my own thoughts about those who have betrayed and not all men in general. I think that what happens is "he" was aware of what he did long before (often times) it is learned of my the betrayed spouse. So he tends to be several steps beyond square one whereas the betrayed spouse is only at square one.
<p>Because the betrayer has had more time to digest what he/she has done, I think that even though the truth is first coming out long after the fact, the reality is that the two are at different places of the process of healing and repairing.
<p>As for having healed faster and wanting to get on with life, you speak as if you are talking about my own husband. I have talked to my husband about this very thing and have been told that indeed he is far from having healed or having forgiven himself and that everyday he too hurts over what he has done and what it has done to me and to our life. But men tend to deal with this situation differently than women do and again, how it plays out, I think, depends on who did what...did he do it or did she.
<p>I too feel that I am doing most of the work to fix things and that is because (I think) men turn inward during these difficult times whereas women tend to open up and need to talk.
<p>My husband has a difficult time discussing what has happened and again, all that you have said to describe your own husband really and truly sounds like me talking about my own.
<p>I think it's just the differences between men and women and yes, I too wonder what would have happened had I walked a mile in his shoes and he in mine. I'd love to know that stats on that as well.
<p>Men are from Mars... by John Gary is a really good book that explains thought process differences between men and women and thankfully, though I'm no expert, I read enough of his writings that it has helped me to better understand my husband during this difficult time and recommend it to anyone out there.
<p>I feel that Men are from Mars helps to explain differences and equips us to better understand our spouse and to not over react tothings we would have otherwise over reacted to. It's sort of like "preventive" care... Whereas Dr. Harley's methods seem to better address what to do when it is too late and what to do to prevent an affair but it does't really teach (in my opinion) the deep thoughts of either which is very helpful as they are very different thoughts and responses.
