My wife and I have had are problems over the years. The last year has been the hardest for me because I have learned what we did wrong through sites like this one. My question is how long does one keep trying to deposit love units etc.. when it's only one person doing all the work. In addition, the other person is saying I don't love you I don't want to grow old with you etc.. If anybody has had an experience like this please let me know. I want this to work and will give much more but I want to feel like there is hope.

I too ask the same question, I am the one posting all the love units, or feel I am. She says here hart is numb, to much resentments form years of marriage, but continues to see me, date me, sleep with me when we go away for the weekend, very loving in every respect. Just will not or cannot talk about or want to work on our problems of her resentments. This has been 10 months, since she left, doesn't seem to want a divorce, just dosen't seem to want anything!
<br>She is not seeing anyone,and has not. I'm at a loss, can anyone help! PLEASE!
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Greg,
<p>It's true what you say about silent expectations. The fact is that I have explained this to her as best I know how.She has told me that I should not expect her to be "up under" me and that that isn't her personality anyway.
<br>I have told her that I expect no such thing. I don't expect her to be hovering over me proving her love at every opportunity. I have told her that just small things here and there like a quick hug, a peck on the cheek, a squeeze of the hand, these things are tokens of love. They are acknowledgements that, yes, I'm conscious of you as my husband or wife.
<br>Sometimes in the morning as we got ready to go to work she used to walk sleepily into the kitchen while I was making coffe or something and just slip her arms around me and give me a big hug. She never does that now.
<br>It mystifies me that she will not deny me sex. I get that fairly regularly and it's always great. But after that there are not many acknowledgements in between.
<br>As I say I have explained these things on a number of occasions, often to the point of where she will say that what I'm saying is reasonable and understandable. Yet she simply takes it no farther.
<br>Last night when we were talking before she got up and left she explained to me that years ago she placed a very high value on feeling of love for her spouse and getting them in return. But now she says, even though that is important, she says that she now feels that other things must be added. I know she was refering to things like responsibility, consideration, maturity, etc. I told her that I understood that and in fact agreed with it. I know that she cannot love me if I will not display these other qualities, nor do I expect her to. But ever since we got all this stuff out in the open I have been doing everything I know how to do to change the picture. She has even told me that she can see that I'm trying very hard.
<br>Yet we hit this invisible wall. Personally I think she knows how it seems to me. She's just way to smart a lady not to. But I think there's something she has to resolve inside, and that, until she does, the outward appearance is going to be what it now is. I just have to get through it psychologically intact.
<br>We are set to go out of town this week end, just the two of us. I am looking forward to this and future times alone providing something of a thaw on such behavior.

Thanks Bruce, although my husband knows most of my feelings I know he wouldn't appreciate that (even sort of anonymously) I am sharing them. I really appreciate this board, it has halped me a lot lately. I am glad I found it and hope it is as helpful to everyone else.

Meadow,
<p>You say some things your husband could change, others he couldn't. I can't comment specifically since I don't know what he can change, but if, for example, he is fat then he should try to change that.
<br>Bodily discipline is spiritual, too. The Lord made the body as well as the spirit and each requires upkeep. In fact they are so intertwined that neglect of one of necessity affects the other. I think you owe it to your husband to tell him about these things. Of course you'll need to sort out in your own mind just what is personal preference and what he should actually do.
<br>Years ago when I met my wife she attended a pentecostal church that frowned on dress that surpassed what it thought of as modest, which usually equated to downright drab. My wife was never comfortable with that and always dressed very well. Not flashy but definitely attractive and creatively.
<p>We moved to a different city and eventually started attending a charismatic church. The attitudes towards dress there were very different and they had rather liberal views overall. For some reason my wife felt threatened by this and reacted by starting to dress like they wish she always had at the pentecostal church. I wondered what was going on, and after a while I just flat out told her I was sick of the little house on the prarie look. She was shocked that I said that but also I think she was glad. I think she needed someone to snap her out of this little funk she'd gotten in. She is now almost 40 and looks really good in her clothes. The woman would make a burlap sack look good.
<br>I getting long winded here but al this is a round about way of saying that you should be honest with your husband about these things. If he is overweight he should get it down because it is unhealthy. Also it detracts from the credibility of a Christian witness because to be overweight is to show you lack discipline. And there can be no real Christian life and walk without discipline, despite the sugar coated pablum that passes for the gospel in too many churches.
<br>But it also sounds like this is a potential opportunity for you to evaluate yourself. Paul said we should test ourselves to see if we are in the faith. Ask yourself just exactly what some of your reasons are for disliking your husband's present bodily image. If some of it is unchangable then why worry? Are any of your reasons tracable to a vain attitude? Physical appearance is important. I don't go along with those pious sounding folk who talk about looking only on the heart. That's generally because they feel hamstrung by their appearance and want people to bypass it.
<br>My wife jogs a lot and looks great. I jog also and lift weights. No, I'm not Charles Atlas. But I tend to pick up weight easy if I don't exercise and it's hard enough to keep it off when I do. I am not going to accompany my good looking wife in public with a gut hanging over my belt. That would subject her to certain things from people that she shouldn't have to bear simply because I'm not disciplined enough to control my appetite. Not only that but the psychological drag being fat places on you interfers with your whole outlook. Yes, I know many fat people do outstanding things, but they'd do a lot more if they weren't fat.
<br>I'm really, really rambling now. Sorry to go off track that far, but I hope you see what I'm getting at.

Break all contact. This is a must for each of you. My wife had an affair with someone in town she met at the gym. She stopped immediately, but, refused to stop going to the gym. Now, the gym is the major problem in my life.
<br>You have to discuss whether the contact is more important than your spouse.

Hi,
<br>I really know about depositing those love units when it seems that they're not being accepted. What I don't know is how to answer the how long question.
<br>I guess if you're seeing or feeling any positive response you can keep doing it for as long as you feel confortable doing it. ANd of course, when things get better you should not forget to do it as well.
<br>If like me, it doesn't seeem to be getting anywhere, then it's up to you. I'm still doing it and my mess started a litle over 3 months. I do it even when my Husband says that he doesn't want to try and heal our marriage, that he doesn't want to work it out, and that he doesn't love me anymore ( if you're interested in the whole story I have about 3 posts in the infedelity section that will tell you all).
<br>I haven't told him to leave yet, I was trying to see if it could be solved without that part because of the kids, but I am starting to feel that it's an option ( he is staying home because he can't afford to rent an appartment, I think, I'm not sure why he is staying anymore.)He seems to be making an effort to avoid the other woman, but gee, she keeps paging him more and more, and he needs that pager for work.
<br>I any case, for how long? I don't know, it's how confortable or willing to do it that counts. I suppose you will know when it's time to start thinking that it really is not going to work, and leave it, or that it sis starting to work out so you just keep doing it forever, but this time together.
<br>Take care.
<br>Ana<p>[This message has been edited by Ana Baptista.]

Freezer,
<br> I'v been doing it for over a year. We seperated at my wife's request and got an apartment. At 3 months she said she wanted a divorce. At 6 months while I was in the hospital with a nervous breakdown she told me she never loved me, that she married me for the wrong reasons and the only reason she had kids with me was because she was getting old and dident think she would have enough time to start new and have a family. Then apoligised for being so selfish, Nice stuff Ah. At 9 months we could talk a little and I left her alone because I could feel the tension when we talked. I also told her that I was moving back to the house when my year was up and gave her 15000 her share of the equity in the home. So she could go on her own. Sep 26 was a year and I moved home, she moved out on the 22 (my birthday) but she had a hard time leaving and was crying a lot for about a week before she moved. 2 weeks before she moved she told me that she realised how self centered she had been and dident like the way she was. The day she moved she said it was something she had to do, she cryed and told me she respected me, that she dident think it was so hard to leave. She has since told her mom that she wants to start a friendship again and that I'v been looking good to her. She also got me a couple gifts for no reason at all except that she was thinking of me. So in my case its been a little over a year to become friends I hope it dosent take that long to feel in love again. Its been a long tuff road but I have learned very much about relationships with others as well as myself. I just keep thing how good it will feel if those feelings return. I'm ready for 1 more year if thats what it takes.
<br> Good Luck, KenS

If you are the only one doing any of the work, i.e. depositing, and your spouse is constantly debitting the account, this is going to cause a lot of resentment. I have been there before. I became very resentful and felt quite unloved. The best thing to do is be yourself and try as hard as you feel comfortable with. DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT! My husband always said that everything should be 50/50. Now I realize that 50/50 means sometimes it will be 70/30, 80/20 etc for either spouse in hard times. But it all equals out if both people believe in this. If not, it can be a hard road. Luckily for me, we are both trying and what has happened in the past couple weeks is promising.
<p>Juli
<p>