I'm very concerned for my husband's welfare.
<br>I think he's depressed but won't seek counseling. He's very against therapy or counseling of any kind. We've had problems before (five years ago he came to me and told me he wasn't in love with me any more) and haven't really resolved them. I was depressed two-three years ago for a time not only because of the marriage frustration ,but also high stress at work. I went to therapy and I think I'm much better (especially in the last year) but he says he can't stand living with a depressed person. Last year he asked me to 'back-off' and not be so physically and emotionally needy. So, at the advise of my therapist I did. And now we have absolutely no physical or emotional contact. Three weeks ago he stopped speaking to me and asked me to move upstairs (I did). He says he loves me but is not 'in-love' with me and can't see anything left in me that he ever fell in love with in the first place. He has grown increasingly angry and bitter and now hates the whole world. He is often very angry and distant and finds fault with everyone and everything. He also has stopped eating much and I'm really worried that he is depressed. He won't admit that he could be depressed and adamantly refuses therapy of any kind. He looks at me as a 'weak' person because I admitted I was depressed and went for help. I'm very frightened. He recently talked about selling his prized antique sports car and other things that really concern me. How do you get someone to get help if they refuse? If I try to involve any family members I know he'll be extremely angry. No one in the family knows the history of our problems. I've been hanging in there with my own problems, but I'm starting to get very overwhelmed. Any advice from anyone (especially on how to get help for my husband?)
<p>longj

Terri,
<p>First thanks for the info on the book. I think It is a good investment. howerver, if my memory serves me correctly, you husband is putting you on the back burner while he goes out with the OW. He has not made any attemps to put your marriage back on track. You can't make him want you. I suggest you read the book and remember all the teqniques that are given to you. However, it takes two ppeople to make a marriage work. I would hate to see you get hurt anu more than you already are. Focus on you and give the marriage a break. That doesn't mean you head for divorce court. It simply means that you are a great deal ahead of your husband in this race to put your marriage back on track, allow him sometime to catch up to where you are so that both of you can arrive at the finish line together. He has to leave the ow altogether to be able to be a good husband to you. Don't accept nothing less.

Thanks for the reply. I did manage, over the last week, to convince him to go for therapy. I don't know when his appt. is -- but he said it was this week. We've had further discussions but it has gone from bad to worse. He just doesn't think therapy is going to work and he just keeps repeating that "he just isn't in love with me anymore" and he can't forgive me for what I've done over the last year (that made him so depressed). What I've done is become independent, got some new hobbies, and started saying 'no' to him once in a while in stead of always doing what he wanted. This whole thing blew up when he decided he wanted to sell our home (we've only lived there 4 yrs.) and buy some outrageously expensive water property, and build a house himself. The cost would be astronomical, because what he wants is out of reach for us financially, but he couldn't understand and was extremely hurt that I couldn't support him in his dream. Also, where he wanted to build was in a very remote area over 35 miles outside of town and our winters here are very harsh. We already live 17 miles outside of town and the ride in to work in the winter is very hard. That is the main reason why I didn't want to move so far out and going into further debt, over our heads, etc. I have always supported everything he ever wanted (and if I told you all the toys he's gotten over the years you wouldn't believe it). I just couldn't keep on 'giving in' to everything he wanted and always deny what I want. Why is it so wrong that I get what I want once in a while (and what I want is not material, but emotional connection and physical affection)? I'm not talking about every time, but only once in a while. He doesn't think there is any hope for us, wants to move out (we're living in separate areas of the house). I just don't understand why I have to support his every waking want, need and dream? Isn't it OK to have some dreams that are shared and some that are different? Why is it that he can't accept that I am my own person? I just don't understand. Now I'm feeling like I was wrong to try to be my own person over the last year, and if I had stayed 'obedient' and always agreeable and always denying my own wants and needs, that none of this would have happened. I would have still been sad and discouraged, but at least I wouldn't be facing the possibility of divorce and losing everything. I can't go back but now I'm afraid to go on.

Bruce,
<br>

Steph,
<p>Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's great to know of some successes in cases that are similar. It makes me feel like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel some day, althought it's not very bright at the moment.
<p>Thanks.
<p>Jeanette
<br>

My wife left 10 months ago, says she cares about me, we date go off for the weekends, she is very loving just as nothing ever happened, then when we get back, she goes to her Mothers and says sshe doesn't know what she wants. She says she is numb in side, she says she likes and cares about me, but just not in love, have done everything to try to restore her love, little things and big things to build love "units". She admits it is not me' that is holding us apart now it is her, she says she has resentments from our 13 yr marriage , that keep comming up. and doesn't know how to get over them -- she has been to therpist and this woman told my wife she needed to go find herself, can anyone explain that to me.
<br>My wife is so wishy washie on every thing, can and has come up with a thousand reasons not tto put the marriage back together, then at times later will says she wants us, back together. this has been going on for 10 months. The emotinal strain on me of this back and forth is bad, I know I get depressed, she, I think, is also depressed.
<br>I'm 52 and very much in love with her, I want to help, but just don't know what to do, can anyone HELP OR SUGGEST ANYTHING?

Bruce,
<br>Great to see things are going well. Just dont get big expectations, her emotions will run hot and cold just like yours. Let her make all the moves. DONT PUSH! let it happen. Good luck :-)
<br>Ken

Bruce, I'm with KS, you are a dream. I hope I can be fortunate enough to find a man like you someday.

Yes, Marty -- you were right. I am now posting on the infidelity board. After a major confrontation & conflict he admitted he had an affair with his 'best friend' that I had been jealous of for about 4 years. He said my jealousy of their friendship is what pushed him into the affair. She has now ended the affair and has someone else. He says it is over, but he really did love her. He tried to come back to me but says he is not in love with me. I am depositing all the love units, doing all the work, but he isn't sure if we have a future together. I am very near despair. Can't get in to see my counselor until the end of the week. I even tried another service, and no one will give me an appt. I think sometimes I am going crazy with anger, grief and anguish. But in answer to your question -- yes! It is possible and it is has been the most devastating thing I've ever had happen to me.

Terri,
<p>I had intended to pick up only one book that I had heard about. But they didn't have it. After I started browsing I found the three books I mentioned. They all seemed to have information so pertinent to my case that I decided to just buy them all. I sat there for a couple of hours reading parts of them all and I think they will be very helpful.
<p>One is a book you recommended; Getting Your Lover Back by Blase Harris. It's already hitting the mark for me.
<p>Also: Overcoming Relationship Impasses by Barry L. Duncan and Joseph W. Rock. The subtitle is "ways to initiate change when your partner won't help".
<p>Finally: Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis. It spouts marriage saving techniques that get results within a month, focus on solutions, not problems, can be used alone or with your spouse.
<br>I think these books have good info. Hope it helps someone besides me.
<p>

It is quite possible that your spouse is in love with someone else if he says he is no longer in love with you, however he may just be bored at the moment.
<br>6 years ago my husband said he wanted a divorce and gave no reason except that he just didnt want to be married. We stayed together and things just got worse, he eventually started having affairs which never went too far (so he says) I think I discovered them all in time.
<br>My husband I feel has been depressed these many years but cant get help because he will lose his position at work however he has agreed to go on a marriage encounter weekend in a few weeks, I hope this will get him to admit that we should go to counseling together to get over the many hurts we have inflected on eachother over the years.
<br>I admit my part in making him unhappy, I have never been too emotional and made all the mistakes that a young mother makes when she gives too much attention to the children.
<br>The children are older now and can take care of themselves and now my H says I give him too much attention.
<br>I wonder if his boredom has to do with me having no ambition other than to have a happy family. I do not work outside the home except for volunteer stuff. All the women he has seen were professionals maybe because they are interesting or just because they are available. Perhaps he is just interested because they have shown an interest in him. Isnt it interesting that when I show an interest he says I am doing too much.
<br>does this make any sense to anyone.
<br>

Perry and all the others that have heard the words, "I am not in love with you". Over a year ago my wife of 23+years left me. She said those words to me and I have been in turmoil ever since. I haven't quite given up, but I don't know how long I can go on. She says she doesn't want me to divorce her. She assures me that she isn't interested in anyone else. The only difference I see in our case is that she became involved with N/A a couple of years ago and they convinced her that she couldn't stay married to someone with whom she used drugs, but we have both been clean for 3 1/2 years. Her sponsor told her that she is the only one that matters, not her husband, not her children, not our family unit. Now I have two of our three boys, she took the youngest or I would have him too. She also went to a therapist, one of those woman's advocates and was told the same thing, that she needs to find herself. As long as I've known this woman she was always self-assured even through the hard times, now all of a sudden she depends on this people who are still ADDICTS to tell her what to do. But these are the same people that have to go to meetings and relive their war stories and say they are powerless etc.,I am not involved in annonymous groups. I found a way to turn my life around permanently. I do support her in her efforts but I wish she could see what she is doing, especially to the boys. As far as advice goes, I hesitate to give it but suffice it to say, If you love someone do all you can, be as supportive as possible, and pray. I do everyday. If anyone has any advice for me, please post or E-Mail me JCWELL@thegrid.net. peace to all!!!