Hi Renee,
<p>Well, no the counselor has not addressed the non-assertive issue yet because we have sooooooooooo many other issues that are more important right now. First being my husband having an affair. He is trying to be more assertive, though, and is going way out of his way to try to stand up and do the talking when we are out, etc. He is doing this because he knows he MUST in order for me to respect him. His losing my respect is what led him to have his affair, if that makes sense. As far as his being a police officer, it just goes to show what people can make themselves do when they have to. But, remember, being a police officer does not have to mean you are assertive and confrontational, in fact, the police officer's main job is to AVOID confrontation, and my H does that oh so well!! I think your H is just gonna need a lamp lit under him!!! Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a crisis for people to get things through their heads. The same thing that happened to me and my husband might happen to you guys if he continues to refuse to see what is happening to your marriage. I know you probably have lost respect for him, which must really make it difficult to fulfill his emotional needs. He probably gets on your nerves, doesn't he?? Honey, I know the feeling. So, basically I completely emotionally divorced myself from my H and then, whallah, he had an affair with a woman who made him feel like the "big man." Anyway, I'm rambling. But what I am trying to say is this is something you guys must do your best to avoid, because now my H and I are going through so much to try to rebuild our marriage. He is trying so hard, but I am still so angry and hurt that he did that to me. It's a long tedious process. I hope I helped.

To start off, I'm in love with a girl I met at college, and we have been going out for a bit now informally. Meaning we spend a lot of time with each other, talking, moives, homework, or whatever else. The thing is, I'm totally in love with every part of her, and the more I get to know her the more I think of her, she on the other hand likes me as a good friend, but is unsure about anything more. She is still pushing away from an old relationship, but is letting him drag it out. She is a bit cautious and skeptical of me and the whole idea of getting into another relationship, but we enjoy hanging out, and we have talked about everything from childhood, to what we are thinking about for the future. I also seem to be one of the very few people in her life that encourages her and compliments her, she likes that, but she has been given a really negative self image of her self and knows that she has a tendancy to push away from the positive people in her life.
<br> In order to shorten up a long story, I love her and am having a hard time holding back and giving her time to think, when I feel so good about her. I do tease her a lot and pick on her, but I try to be respectful. So, how to I show her how much she means to me and how much I want to make an effort for something more between us, without pushing her or letting go.
<br> I have a lot more I could say, but I'm going to keep it short for now. I feel that she has some feelings towards me, but I'm worried about pushing her into something she is not ready for. I want to give this relationship with her every chance possible, so I know I didn't screw up something that could have been perfect.
<br>
<br> LK

GBM,
<p>The only advice I have is to relate to you what happened to us. I felt the same way you did. After years of my H holding me at an arms distance, I finally emotionally divorced myself from him. It took a lot of years to get to that point, 14 to be exact, but I reached the point where I didn't even want him to touch me. He is a very attractive man, too, and yet I was repulsed by his touch and he got on my LAST NERVE often. Anyway, after a few months of this distance, because they can always feel it no matter how hard we try to mask it, HE WENT AND HAD AN AFFAIR!!!! So, all I can say is, if you really do care about him, love him deep down inside, then you need to TELL him the reasons for your dissatisfaction and at least give him the opportunity to address those issues. If you just shut him out, he could take this as "entitlement" for him to have an affair. He may view you as a cold-hearted B and actually justify his having an affair. However, if you spell out very clearly the pain and hurt you are in as well as your need to have emotional fulfillment, if he loves you HE will work hard at trying to restore what has been lost. I know one thing, it would have been A LOT easier to fix the small stuff prior to my finding out that he had an affair. Now, we have to fix all the small stuff plus repair the damage from the affair too. Hope this helped.

Laurie,
<br>Thank you so much for replying.
<br>I guess you hit on some of what is troubling me terribly. I feel a great bit of love and caring for mu H, but I definately do not feel as tho I am in love. He knows the whole bit about the emotional needs, and is not comfortably capable of fulfilling them. I kind of wonder if we are just too different to last? We like to live our lives differently. He is the type that will be happy when.... (when we get our bills paid off, when he loses weight, when the lawn is perfect,......), I am more the type who is happy for what I have and strives for more but also makes sure I am not putting off living. Sorry for all this, I am thinking out loud, I appreciate your thoughts on the whole matter, I agree that NOW would be the time to straighten out the whole matter. But I believe that I am more apt to have an affair than he is. (I'm the one who a couple monthas ago met a man and ended up kissing him (several times)--my husband still has no idea this happened either. Thanks again.

bruce,
<br> l hope you don't mind my asking,but l am alittle confused here in this forum. l can't keep track of everyones story as l am very new here and can't read all the posts. l saw earlier posts of yours saying that you saw how your selfishness caused part of your marital problems. First of all let me commend you on that realization. l think it is wonderful that you can look inside yourself and admit your shortcomings to begin your path of healing. l am just not sure of your whole story,and was wondering if you would mind telling me if your wife or yourself had an affair.l apologize ahead if the question is too personal for me to ask and l mean no harm by it,l am just curious. lt seems most of the men here are posting because of the wives infidelities so that is what l assumed was your case. ln any case,l can see you really want to work on things and how much you love her. ln my case,my H had the affair,but in a lot of ways, l think he was like you said you were in the past and that is part of what got me to the point l was at before he left for his remote(began feeling sort of indifferent about his going)Sorry, l know l am rambling,but l tend to do that.l guess l would just like to say l am enjoying seeing the point of view from the men here,although l am sorry for your pain,it helps to know that men do go through the same thing us wronged women do. Oh yea,l almost forgot l also wanted to say that l did have one suggestion for you and your wife. lt is something l was/am throwing around in my mind but just haven't gotten the nerve to ask my H yet. There is a retrouvaille weekend in Charlotte(l looked at your profile and see you are in NC) this coming weekend and although l know it is short notice perhaps that might be an option for you. l have read some wonderful things about them and how they allow both parners to heal together.