I dont know where to begin this open letter to all of you. I am in so much pain and confusion right now it is truely unbelievable. 5 years ago I married the man of my dreams. He was the most wonderful, kind caring sensitive man I had ever met. I love him with all my heart. In the beginning, and for the first 4 years of our marriage, we made love daily, sometimes more than once. Then, about 10 months ago, everything changed. When he touches me, I cringe, I want to scream at him "STOP!!" I can no longer kiss him, and the desire to make love has completely gone away. When he holds me, I feel trapped, like I cant get enough air, like I am suffocating. I get dizzy, my ears ring, my heart pounds, and all I want to do is get up and run away from him. I havent told him all about this yet. When I try to tell him how I feel, he gets upset, and he cries, wondering what he has done wrong. But then there are those times that he doesnt care when I say stop, he keeps going and sometimes I feel as if I have been violated, yes, even raped. He grabs ahold of me and holds me down, although he is not violent about the love making. I am so afraid this is going to ruin my marriage. I love this man, but when he forces me to make love to him, I cant stand him, he scares me. We have an otherwise wonderful life together. We both have great jobs that we love, and have yet to start a family. He would like to try to have a baby, but I just dont feel like I can when I feel the way I do. Let me also say that this is not limited to just my husband, my mother tried to hug me last week and I wanted to hit her, my best friend knew that something was bothering me and tried to hug me and I pushed her away. I dont want anyone to touch me. I dont want this to ruin my marriage, but I am at a loss, I just dont know what to do, and I am so afraid that if I cant satisfy my husband in bed, or physically at all (what I mean by that is the typical hugging, kissing and holding hands) that he will turn to someone else and have an affair, or leave me all together. Please, if any of you can help me I would appreciate it.
<br>Thank You

Dear Helpless,
<p>You've traced the problem to 10 months back; can you think of anything that happened to trigger such a reaction in you? Try to look at yourself critically and see what could have affected you and your relationship towards others in this way..did anyone force himself upon you, did you do something that your suffering from a guilt complex of? Take your time..think..and see what you come up with...
<p>My husband and I had a similar problem but he was the one who couldn't express any kind of physical love, upto now even but I can still relate it to the time just after when his father died and three years on we're still at the place that we were.

Toots
<br>thank you so very much for your reply. I have been thinking about this a lot. I was molested by a family friend at the age of 7, (i am now 31), I was in counseling for about a year (when I was 23) to deal with this. I thought I had over come it. Also, I posted earlier that my husband wanted to start a family, what I failed to mention was that we lost a baby a little over 2 years ago. I have thought back to the time when this started, and I can think of nothing that 'triggered' this reaction. As I said before, we had the perfect life together. Both of us are happy with our careers, and we are what I would call soul mates. We dont fight and argue like I see so many married friends of ours doing. We are a match made in heaven, thats why this bothers me so much. I am afraid that I am hurting him by not being able to be physical with him, and thus hurting our marriage.

kara, have you considered joining a club, like a skiing club or chess club or a club centered on an activity you both enjoy or would like to learn? Some communities even have Diners clubs, where couples get together to try out different restaurants as a group.
<p>What about volunteering? Choose a charity that you can both support and get involved. You would meet new people, and many studies indicate that volunteering is good for you health as well.
<p>You could take a class together, through a local college or through community education. Doing homework together could spark many interesting discussions.
<p>Do any of these ideas sound appealing?

Greg,
<br>I know the pain you're feeling. Trusting your wife is required to have a meaningful relationship. I think you did the right thing - by not confronting your wife! You would have probably "pushed" her away. You have to realize you have no control over your wifes actions. All you can do is show her how much you love and support her. I pray she will see how much she loves you! By focusing in on the thought she might be having an affair does no good. What would you do with this information? I think you should focus on the fact she would be lucky to be with you! I know its easier said than done!
<p>Bruce,
<br>I know how hard you are struggling with this situation. It is especially hard, when at times things are "normal" then revert back to the negative side of things. I know how this feels. I have been on this roller coaster ride, too. I have made love to my wife - and days later she tell me she doesn't have the same feelings for me! It is very hard to deal with these emotions!
<br>However, we have no choice we are in a fight to save our marriage. We are in a fight because we love these women. You must get your strength back - You need to continue to fight for the wife! I know you are not willing to give up! You have invested to much into this battle. Think of the times you have felt good - focus on those to give you strength.
<p>I had a great weekend! friday, we had a family dinner together. Later, my wife and I, made passionate love. It felt so good!
<p>Saturday, afternoon she told me the words - I have longed for -- I love you! Saturday evening, she went out with her sister-in-law to the bar! They had a great time dancing etc. She came home and told me how happy she had me to come home to -- that she wouldn't want to be a part of the single scene. Sunday, was great also!
<p>However, today she went to the gym and she said she her mind started racing again. She didn't really open up to me!
<p>I called her when I got to work. She told me it scares her! Because she starts thinking things, and she has no control over them. She said a lot of them are unrelated to anything. However, she started thinking about being "free". She said she started thinking about men she had seen at the bar Saturday. She thought about being on dates with them etc. It scares her! She wonders if she is going crazy! She told me she loves me! It just scares her to have these things enter her brain! Does anyone think it is possible she needs some kind of medication (antidepressant or anti anxiety)?
<p>Friday, she called her therapist- to cancel her sessions. She doesn't believe therapy can work. However, the therapist talked her into coming back one more time! Can regular therapy help her? Is it chemical?
<p>Any suggestions??
<p>
<br>Ken

My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and don't have any mutual friends. We find it hard to spend all of our time together and would like to find a couple with out children to see movies, go to dinner and talk. Our marriage is really suffering because of this. **Getting Bored and sick of each other*** Please help any ideas appreciated.

gbm,
<br> besides the history file, the temp internet file also maintains a trail of the past. don't forget to clear that too when you are in windows clearing the history. One more thing is kind of in relation to what bruce said about typing in the url.lf you use aol to sign onto the web you see the url bar on top and if you click on the down arrow at the right(after the url and before the word Go) a drop down will appear with the most recent places you have been. You can do one of 2 things. Either click on My Aol>Preferences>Toolbar>clear history trail now OR check the box that says clear history trail after each sign off.

Julie,
<p>I agree with Bill and Ken S. You have to tell these other people you are not turning your back on them. They have to know that your number one priority is your relationship. At this point, everything else should be secondary. What is more important their friendships or your relationship? Does your husband agree with you? Good Luck!