I've posted previously in 'Is it possible to regain his love'. In summary, my husband says he doesn't love me any more. We've agreed to separate, to give each other space, go to counseling, and to try and go back to dating.
<br>I'm currently looking for somewhere to live, but my problem is how do we carry on living together until I find somewhere.
<br>He says he feels trapped, because I am always there. I am very depressed at the moment, and he knows it (which is making him feel guilty about hurting me). We find it very awkward to talk to each other. It's very difficult at the moment to find neutral topics to talk about.
<br>Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle the next few weeks. I would really like to improve the atmosphere, or at least not make it any worse than it is.
<br>Thanks
<br>Bev
<br>

I'm consumed by thoughts of my maraige and how I wish it were different. I used to put a lot of work into the relationshiip but lately I'm getting lazy (even tho last week I tried again). But I wonder why I just can't accept things. I REALLY do know that my husband loves me. He'll never be the type to whisper sweet nothings, or seduce me or admire me or do small thoughful things or be a joy to be around. But he IS a decent person, and ok father and he provides for the family. Why can't I accept that?????? I know from reading alot of the other posts that I am not doing my share anymore and that many of my actions are selfish. Yet I am able to justify all that because I feel as though my needs haven't been meet. HOW DO I BECOME A CARING WIFE AGAIN??? Has anyone ever been in my shoes and then seen the light???? And I know I will have to do this on my own, without the help of my husband because he is not capable (willing?) of meeting my needs. How did things get so sc****ed up???
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All,
<br>After reading the posts of KenS I decided it was time to take a stand in my mind about how I was going to act from here on out. A co-worker of mine in whom I've confided has told me he thought some of my actions were weakness. I had wondered about that myself but he sort of confirmed it. As bad as I felt I had planned to somehow begin to act more as if I was in charge of myself.
<br>Well, I had asked my wife earlier if she would go t the Marriage Encounter next month. When she came home she said no because she had already planned to visit her brother in Atlanta during that time, which I do remember she had told me a couple of times. At first I was dishartened.
<br>Then she proceeded to explain to me that she didn't want to feel pushed and that if I wanted to see about going to something later she would go. But she said that as long as she feels she is being pushed that it makes her want to run. She said she will participate as long as she doesn't feel pushed.
<br>Then she started telling me about how I need to make some adjustments in my behavior. SHe said she has perceived me as weak in certain areas and that I need to reconstruct myself to improve. She spke to me very mater of factly for about 20 minutes. I listened.
<p>Afterwards I told her to think of what she just did. I told her that she just gave me constructive criticism without slamming me or making me feel belittled. I told her that I know her words were true and that I will make the needed changes. This was very positive for me. Up until now it has just been come home and do your own thing without regard for me. Now she makes a sincere and solid attempt to let me know what I need to do. Obviously she did some thinking today about how she would act.
<br>The things she said did not bother me (they might have at one time) because I knew they were true and I am ready to take action on them. And it made me feel good because meaningful interaction is a sign that she has not frozen herself all the way. At least that's how it seems to me.
<p>What will tomorrow bring? I won't even try to guess. My wife said a lot more but I'm just describing the gist of it. All of it was good. I sensed real concern from her, not the indifferent, coldness of recent days. If tomorrow is another rough day then so be it. I'm learning to take my blessings as they come and appreciate them. Whatever happens she has given me solid feedback on the kind of man she can respect. I can't ask for more than that. I'll be happy to supply it. Not only for her, but for me.

JKelly,
<br>I have told my wife this. SHe has always been a strong Christian. I told her that to walk out now while circumstances don't truly warrnt it is to do so strictly on your own preference, not God's.
<br>She just shrugs her shoulders. Never thought I'd see that. It's truly scary.

Just a quick note to respond to one of the posts in the middle of this string, God does not like divorce, he will not see it as a good thing and provide for the means to accomplish it. If you decide to divorce I'm afraid as far as "means" go your on your own. God will not abandon you and will be your partner through the pain but will not facilitate the thing.

In answer to the original question, can one spouse save the marriage, ...no. One spouse CAN be patient, loving, forgiving, change themselves, listen, trust, care, and be there for the other. I know because I have done all of the above. Does that make me a saint? No! That makes me a caring husband. That means I love my wife enough to wake up and change ME because it will benefit my wife, my kids, and me. But the sad reality is that all the love in the world will not save a marriage if the other is unwilling. I know this too because throughout our separation she has done nothing to reciprocate what she has been given. She has spent all her free time with friends, namely a male one who supposedly has no interest in her romantically and vice versa. But if she really wanted the marriage to be saved she should have been with me, not him. I realize that I can not be everything to my wife, and that happiness needs to come from the Lord, but her actions were and still are extremely selfish, and not those of one who is concerned with the marriage. I believe that the day will come that she will be alone for a moment and take a look at what she gave up, and it will only be then that she might see how selfish she was. Selfishness is the reason people divorce for the most part. He or she no longer makes me happy, so I have to do whats right for "me". If you are the one who has left or is leaving, think about the other for a change, especially if you have kids. You made a covenant with God. It said until death do us part. It DID NOT say until he/she no longer makes me happy. The Lord gave basically one out for a marriage, and that is adultery. But even then it is only because of the hardness of your heart that He allows even this reason. I can say with 100% conviction that even if my wife has been unfaithful, I would still forgive her and love her as God commanded. The Bible gives the real definition of love. Its not what you find in a romance novel, a movie, or in Cosmo. I Corinthians 13 defines real unconditional love. I have divorce papers sitting in front of me, waiting to be signed. But you know what? I still choose to love my wife. Do you know what the real reason for our divorce is? Selfishness and unforgiveness! Not lost feelings, the past, the other man, none of that. If my wife forgave me my past wrongs and stopped thinking of herself, we would be on the road to recovery. But since she won't do either, we are divorcing. So, no, one spouse can't do it. I'm sorry...I wish it could be done.

Hi I'm new to this board but not to the problems dissused here. First off a little about my situation. I'v been seperated for 13 months after my wife told me she dident have those in love feelings for me any more, that she loved and cared for me but did not feel like a wife. When we seperated she changed from June Cleaver to one of the spice girls. Went from nice build to six pack abs, started wearing tight clothes, went tanning and got a tatoo. I'v been hopelessly been trying to have her try to take a look at herself and her actions but she's having too much fun going to clubs and hanging with her younger friends, As if she missed something. Anyhow she's 39 we have 2 children and have been together 17 years. One good thing that I'v done has been to work on myself and my relationship with myself. I have found that you cant change someone elses thinking but you can change yours. I have read 10's of thousands of pages of self help and relationship books, internet stuff and post. I feel that you can change your self which is good for the people that want to change and bad for people like me who can only hope for someone else to chang. I can tell you if you have a good husband or wife you are very lucky. Theres nothing out there but tons of bull****ters and game players as far as I'm concerned. I do see that many dwell on past wrongs and not the good things that have happened during thier marriges. I think some are narrow minded and are a little selfish, I dont feel love, I dont trust, I dont feel good, I want more! Time for a reality check! The fireworks are uasally over after 3 or 4 years. Look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself an honest assement on what part of those feelings or lack of are your part. Sometimes we need to take a few steps back and gain a different perspective. Why did you marrie him or her have they changed if so a lot of times for the better. Take a look at all the good qualitys your spouse has and how they feel and do for you. Try focousing on the positive things in your life due to your relationship. Always picture your mate on thier best day, no one is perfect, not even you. Get honest with yourself and stop blaming your spouse for you not feeling good, that comes from whithin your self. Then when you figure out what your really missing then go for it and take your spous with you. Even if its naked bungie jumping, I'm sure that will give you both something to get excited about! Last but not least how would you really feel if your spouse passed away or left never to see them again. Sorry to be so blunt but sometimes thats what it takes to wake up. Good luck to all here and God Bless.
<br> Ken

No offence to all the people I have been talking to over the past week; I couldn't have gotten this far - still living at home without you; but I'm really hoping to talk to some of the women or men who can relate to where I'm coming from. I have realized that I no longer have any intimate feelings for your husband. We simply live as roomates. Is there anyone out there on my side of the fence?
<br>Looking for answers. Ken if you read this - I know you had mentioned at one point that your wife would be interested in talking to me - would you ask her to come on line with me?
<br>Thanks,
<br>Nat

My husband and I have been married for four years and it is the second marriage for both of us. We don't seem to argue over the typical things that twice married couples seem to argue over, instead it's basic issue such as whether we have a family pet or not. I grew up with a family dog, and I would like my children to have the same experience. But because he says "no" there is no discussing the issue. This really upsets me because my opinion to him is worthless. If I did get a family dog, I'm sure he would make life miserable. Also, he likes to hunt and I feel that it (hunting) shows a basic disregard for life. Not only does he hunt he is encouraging his twelve year old son to do the same. I have no objections to the hunting if it is for appropriate reasons. This issue has had us not talking for four days. Help!