Bill, I have wondered exactly the same thing about the idea that a spouse/SO may actually simply convince themselves they do not love you anymore because of an affair or other way in which they have hurt you. It's almost as if my H has done this - he thinks he is fixing things by leaving me instead of trying to work things out with me.
<p>Here's what I am beginning to think: Affairs damage self-esteem, as Glenn said in another thread somewhere. While you might think they build it, it is a false elevation and it must cause extreme guilt in spouses who truly care about us - in order to deal with the unpleasant feeling of guilt, they bury their love for us so deeply in their hearts they cannot find it. Add to that the OW/OM probably reinforcing the belief that we, the wronged spouses, must be inadequate in some way (and generally we are not meeting some need/needs of our spouses) and a cheating spouse could very easily convince him/herself that he/she does not love us anymore. Even if the spouse is *not* cheating, but is unhappy for other reasons: job, no job, depression, grief from personal losses, etc., they could easily blame the unhappiness on us and gradually begin to believe they do not love us because we don't ease that unhappiness (forgetting that we don't generally even *know* what the unhappiness is about because they haven't communicated anything to us!).
<p>I can't explain why I am so certain that there is still love for me deep in his heart, I just am - I only hope I can be patient and help him to bring it back.

In the time that my husband and I have been separated we both turned to others. Now we are trying to reconsile our marriage. We have both made a committment to bettering ourselves. My question is this:
<p>Is it okay for us to stay friends with the people we got involved with during the separation?
<p>We both have decided to not "see" the other people anymore, but both of us talk to them. We live in a very small town so not "bumping into them" is nearly impossible. Unforntunately for me, the man I turned to was my best friend. Now our friendship is quite strained. I feel bad, but am very willing to not call him or take calls from him, only seeing him around town. The woman my husband turned to is in a very difficult marriage herself. He is afraid to tell her not to call because she says he is the only one she confides in. I understand not wanting to abandon someone in need, but I tend to think she still holds out hope that it will turn out to be something more than friendship. I also know she's looking for a way out. I have been there when he has told her of our intensions of working on ourselves and our marriage. But I can't help but wonder if she is still carrying a torch. I did contact her and asked her to please not make it anymore difficult for us to work on our marriage. She seemed pretty receptive to this. Maybe I'm just overreacting. But it all comes back to the question: Is it okay to be friends with these people?
<p>Juli (e-mail ISISHECATE@AOL.COM)<p>[This message has been edited by Juli.]