<br>Thanks for the reply, Juli. And since I can't resist the temptation to rattle on at length....
<p>You asked how long has she known them. She met them at a job she took after we started dating. To her credit she is very gregarious and social – and fancies herself as an achiever. My concerns stem from (what I truly believe is an inadvertent) tendency to lead guys on. What she sees as friendly, some guys see as flirtatious. I know of at least two guys who felt she was sending signals (although, admittedly, one of them needed a reality check. And these episodes were long before I came along) She says she’s oblivious. But I think she likes the attention.
<p>Do I trust her? In general, yes, but not as much as I want to. Every once in a while she can be unreliable. For example, on several occasions, I have had to wait for hours for her to show up because she “lost track of time.” (she promised to improve – and no incidents lately) Occasionally I sense she is not always forthright as to what she has been doing and once she tripped herself up in a fib. (that eve: “We had to stay late to finish the project” vs. next day: “we all went out to dinner and drinks.” Oops. ) Did she lie to keep me from being suspicious or am I suspicious because she lied? Chicken and the egg time.
<p>The older guy once came out to breakfast with me and she (along with her sister). But don’t expect her to show or accept affection in front of friends or family. It gets her uncomfortable - although I gotta admit to being much the same way (blame that stiff WASP upbringing!) Maybe it's time to change some thinking!
<p>I do love her and she has told me she knows it. I am hoping to clarify what, if anything, I have a right to object to and, indeed, what my boundaries should be in defining hers.
<p>Thanks again for your response.
<p>
<p>

To all,
<br>This board has helped me a lot too. Although my wife does not approve or understand, Its a comfort to know people are listening, and understand.
<br>I am encouraged that some people "turn the corner", so to speak. I don't know how long it took to reach that corner. But my wife and I are not there yet.
<br>We both admitted that we are very tense at home. And we both feel it will pass with time. I am more open with my feelings than I have ever been with her. I feel that she is once again, my best friend. She listens to my feelings, and talks about them to me. For this reason, it hurts even more to see the unhappiness in her.
<br>I have read about the Marriage Encounter weekends, and the like. Both partners have to be willing to partake. Also, you both have to feel that the marriage itself is the problem. In my case, my wife is not just unhappy in the marriage, but with herself. Before we can look into how to be happy together, she has to be happy with herself.
<br>Best regards to all.
<br>

John_98
<p>I agree to an extent with your reply. I am not sure that I believe that a man has the right to lust after others, when he has a woman that he supposedly loves sitting at home. But my question is, how do you go about spicing things up when you haven't been real daring in the past. I have the same problem going on in my home. But when I think of doing something, more risque, I freeze. I don't want to embarrass myself, I don't want to do the wrong thing. Maybe this is something that will get a little to graphic, but I have only been married a year and I guess I might be a little clueless, or just held back by my inhibitions. How do you get a guy to turn off the porno and want to come to bed with his wife?

Bill,
<br>This stuff is so heart rending. The biggest thing for me is to finally see just how big a difference there is between men and women.
<br>It is still beyond my comprehension how so many of them just want to get up and leave and entire family based on things like needing space, finding themselves and so on, and all the while keeping it inside for years until they finally spring it on you. I just don't get it. And I personally know other couples, one of which the husband was providing well for them, where the wife just up and leaves. No trying to work it out, no counseling, nothing. Just leaves. I'd be lying if I said it didn't anger me.
<br>Why do we still love them in spite of this? Don't really know. As men the things that define us come from outside us so I think it's harder for us to let things go. I think the average man looks at a divorce (I know I do) as a failure of colossal proportions and a rending of heart and life that shouts out his failure.
<p>In my own case my wife and I drove up to Virginia over the week end. We didn't do anything special. We just got a hotel room, went out to dinner, browsed through a mall and bought some music then went back to the hotel. Just being alone together was all I was looking for no matter what we did. It gave us a chance to talk though we didn't talk about marital problems.
<br>Now it's back home and back to work. I don't know what this week end did for us. Things still appear outwardly the same. My wife still does not show a lot of affection, though I have to say that sex Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning really blew me away. We haven't done anything like that in years.
<br>My biggest fear is that I will keep doing everything I can to help my wife feel that she can trust me to be the man she needs and yet it will all, after great expenditures of energy on my part, come to nothing. She will still end up wanting to go. But that's a paralyzing thought. I have to keep trying.
<br>Will you wife see or talk to anyone about getting help? Or is she one of those who says it's pretty much hopeless?
<br>I have to say that even though I fully acknowledge my guilt in neglecting my wife in all these important areas over the years I find it extremely difficult to deal with the female characteristic of keeping eveything in and telling you things like they would have left years ago if this or that. I believe that the man should carry the biggest part of the responsibilty for maintaining a healthy marriage, but she has to do something. We can't read minds.

I have been in a relationship for three months. It is beginning to deepen to the point where he and I are considering marriage. I have dated lots of men and know what I'm looking for. He is wonderful. He meets all of my emotional needs (so far) and most of my intellectual ones. He is smart, can discuss books with greater accuracy and knowledge than I can, and is generally very articulate with a great vocabulary. Here is my dilemma. And I feel so shallow about this. Occasionally, he will slip and use a double negative, or some other heinous grammatical error when speaking. It happens rarely, but when it does, I cringe. Now I feel like it is affecting my overall respect for him. I really want to make this work and get over this issue. If I go look for someone else, there's no guarantee that he won't "slip" occasionally. Can something this deeply ingrained in me be worked through? I don't expect to be able to change him, but I want to work on this in myself. I've broken up with men in the past solely for this reason. Will marriage exacerbate something like this, or lessen it?
<br>

I love my husband, and have been married for almost a year. We dated for almost 5 years, but the relationship was long distance (2000 miles). Over the course of the years I wasn't sure that we were going to be together and I dated outside of the realtionship. I did not tell my husband (then boyfriend) that I dated, and years lated he confessed that he did the same. We decided to finally be together and I was to relocate to his area, the decision was consumated the same night. Just before I moved, I found out that I was pregnant....I had had sex with only one other person. Three years,a baby and a marriage later, my husband is unsure if the baby is his and wants to have a paternity test. Please help me, I don't want to lose my husband, and I don't have anyone else to turn to. I know this relationship was built on lies at the very beginning but I wanted it to work and I did anything and everything to keep the relationship together. I never wanted to hurt him and I don't want to destroy everything that we have worked so hard for. If I don't agree to the test he will leave me, if I do, I stand the chance of losing him anyway. What whould I do?

If my math is correct, your child is now over 2 years old. If your husband is now demanding a paternity test, your ultimate problem is not that the child might not be his, but that he is looking for a way out. Think of it this way: for 2 years he has played the role of this child's father, with whatever doubts he may have had. If he were truly committed to you, and to this child, he would not seek information that could potentially destroy this family unit. So I say, do the test. If he's just looking for an excuse to leave, he'll find something else if you don't consent to the test. Meanwhile, I think you should probe why he has come to this decision at this time, and why he now wants out.

Bill,
<br>Your last paragragh says it all. It's strange how we can withstand the pain and still be "in love" with our wives. I hope that my feelings for my wife never change as well. The family is important and I often wonder if we didn't have a child, if I would have held on this long. Probably not. I'm sure my wife would have left sooner also. I guess you and I and many other spouses here are the old fashion types and believe in "till death do us part".
<br>Our relationship also experienced an affair on her part - more of an emotional affair with someone who lives about 3,000 miles away. An old boyfriend she turned to when she was at her lowest point with me. That contact lasted for almost a year before I found out and it has continued off and on. She says that they are at a point now of just good friends because she knows nothing can come of it because of the distance. What a terrible excuse to hear. This was and is so hard to cope with, as I'm sure your aware. But, I too, still love my wife with all my heart and want her love and devotion in return.
<br>I'm hoping that a trial separation will show her that she has a chance of losing alot. It's like jumping off a cliff and hoping you land in the river below and not on the rocky shore. I can't imaging not living in the same house with my family, but it's something that she feels she wants to experience. Until I give it to her, she will continue to have this want.
<br>Your not alone, Bill.
<br>I know that doesn't really help.
<br>I wish there was something that could help us all.
<br>Greg

Doug,
<p>I've used the marriage counseling here as well as done individual therapy in person. I quit my local psychologist and psychiatrist; but I still use Steve Harley for marriage counseling.
<p>Is it helpful? Yes, tremendously. I doubt that I could have gotten through the past year of my wife's affair without his counseling. Certainly not in 'as good shape'. And in my case, the counseling was 'successful' in that my wife and I are reconciling. This took place under very difficult circumstances, and she wasn't involved (much) with the counseling.
<p>I had concerns about the lack of nonverbal communication that would go with phone counseling. Apparently this hasn't been a problem. Benefits are that it's extremely convenient and relatively inexpensive compared to other forms of therapy. And the behavioral approach that the Harley's practice was very effective, at least for me. I would definitely recommend that you try it!

Terri,
<br>I read about the tragedy this morning. It was an awful and freak accident that cost 3 lives.
<br>Unfortunately, there is no answer we can understand to your question regarding good people.
<br>I am very sorry for your loss.

Heather
<br>Im glad you told us what your husband does that clears things up quite a bit. I have heard that recruiting duty is the hardest there is; thank God my husband never had to do it. Navy is not too much different from Army; both spend much time away from home.
<br>A bit of advice for you dont nag and dont give your husband too much to do around the house. This may sound rough on you but he needs lots of help from you at this time. His job is such a high stress job that it may be taking all his energy. Try doing the finances together so it is done the way you like but he also has a say in things.
<br>Try doing things together, go on dates at least once a week. take up a hobby together
<br>be a couple and not 2 individuals. See if you can get him to go on a marriage encounter weekend if there is one in your area, go during his leave time if you need to, tell him how important it would be to you and that it would be a great gift from him to you.
<br>Hope you checked out that website. Try getting the book light his fire by Ellen Kreidman they probably have it in the library.
<br>If you would like we can e-mail eachother in the future.
<br>