I've been married for almost 20 years. I brought a lot of psychological baggage to my marriage and my wife has been instrumental in helping me mature. We've had our problems off and on over the years. Only in the last three years have I gotten the sort of career where I can begin to make some decent money. In the past year my wife has gone into periodic times of cold behavior towards me where she doesn't interact much with me. She began to spend a lot of time chating to people on the computer. We've had bad arguments because I'd be feeling lonely while total strangers where getting all her time. After arguments she'd tone it down but always go back to it. Last In the past couple of months the arguments became more frequent. Last week she just told me she didn't feel the same way about me and told me all kinds of bad things about myself as far as how I've failed to handle money right, help out with the kids, around the house, etc. It wasn't malicious and she was pretty much right. I just had no idea how deep it ran. It was a wake up call for me. I resolved that very night to change myself whatever it took, but it seems she is very reluctant to co-operate and seems to prefer leaving. I sceduled a meeting with a counselor the next day. During the session I confessed my shortcomings and guilt in front of the counselor and expressed that I simply wanted to begin a process of healing whatever hurt I'd caused. My wife seemed to respond somewhat, and talking about it seemed to help. At this point she has never refused sex except if we've just had an argument. Yet she seems to be in withdrawl to some degree. I've told her that we can recapture our love if we both move towards it with the right behavior, but I think I might be smothering her because she interprets my speeches as badgering. Every day I go to work is an ordeal to function properly because I think of her. Every evening at home is torture because she doesn't treat me as a husband. I've asked her to at least try respond. She asked me if I want fake responses, to which I've replied no, just give me the best you can give and do better as you see my behavior change to where you can feel assured that I'm becoming more of the man you need for me to be. At this point my mind harbors desparation, which makes me want to talk to her too much, which puts me in danger of smothering. We haven't gone anywhere together for ages, and she said she will go somewhere, minus kids, with me this week-end. My hope is that if we can get re-acquainted on a personal level it will be easier to overcome our difficulties and she may let down the wall she has built. Somebody tell me they've had such a happy ending...please.

Ali,
<br>I am sure that Bruce, myself and the rest of us MEN wish our wives were a bit more like you.
<br>I too feel like I am the one who is trying save my marriage. I constantly hear from my wife that she KNOWS where we are headed. She tells me that she is trying, and I don't doubt it. But, the lack of affection, conversation, and sometimes courtesy is painful. What I wouldn't give to hear "I Love You".
<br>I hear "I'm sorry for what I've done", "I'm sorry for what I am doing to you now", and other statements of concern for me.
<br>Like you, I also blew up at her and said some very hurtful things. I did this within days of finding out about her affair. After seeing its effects on her, I had to stop.
<br>You ask why we are different. I don't think we are. I believe that those of us here are in the majarity. But, they never write articles about the men that stay and fight for their wives and family. It's not good news. You only hear about the Clintons and husbands who abandon their wives.
<br>As for my WAKE UP CALL. Was it prompted by the affair? Of course it was. But, if my wife simply talked to me, instead of holding all of her issues in, we could have come to the same changes. To wake someone up, you dont have to shoot them.
<br>

Cath,
<p>Your husband has a terminal dose of selfishness. I don't know what it will take for him to realize it. If you've been to this much counseling it indicates a highly ingrained selfishness. have any of the counselors indicated this to him? Is he into porno?
<br>Being a man I understand the need for sexual fulfillment. All my wife has to do is walk by me half dressed to set it off. There was a time when I was more demanding and used to go into sulks if she didn't comply. But I've realized how self centered that was and I've learned to calm down in that area. It also helps to find constructive things to be engaged in, anything to help the mind be employed in another area besides sexual stimulation.
<br>I wish you well. I don't know what your spiritual values are but I'd be praying for God to open his eyes to this thing.

K, Bruce, and Sara: Thanks for your responses. I was thinking of making an appointment anyway, but it's good to see some 'testimonials'.
<p>I know I need to talk to someone. My employer has an arrangement with a local counseling center, but I've never been there, and I'm not too keen on starting. Several years ago, my wife started seeing a counselor there, after which I started hearing about what a second-rate husband I was, and how she felt cheated by being in our marriage. Apparently the counselor said that maybe my wife should leave me to reduce her depression. (Well thanks very much, counselor! Nothing like nudging my wife toward the edge!!) I know I need some advice, but I don't need THAT kind of advice!
<p>Thanks again
<br>Doug
<p>
<p>

Bill, you said:
<br>>As for my WAKE UP CALL. Was it prompted by
<br>>the affair? Of course it was. But, if my
<br>>wife simply talked to me, instead of holding
<br>>all of her issues in, we could have come to
<br>>the same changes. To wake someone up, you
<br>>dont have to shoot them.
<p>All I can say is AMEN!!!
<p>terri

My husband of 3 1/2 years is in the military. The first year of our marriage he was overseas and we chose for me and my son from a first marriage (abusive,deserted) to stay behind due to schooling and my teaching contract. I saw no problem, just an opportunity to grow closer. I guess he got depressed, because despite my very frequent letters, packages, etc, he dropped the ball. The distance that developed then has been maintained, though we now live together as a family and have a 1 year old, in addition to my 7 year old ,whom he adopted. This is a lifetime committment, but it's hard to face the reality of our emotional disance. His job (he owes 2 or so more years) gives him no control, so he likes to control when he comes home--even if he's not equipped to do so (for example, he's horrible with $$, but insisted on taking charge anyway, and dropped us into a pit of debt I'm now forced---by him--to get us out of). I also feel I can't trust him because over the last two years, he's lied an awful lot. I'm a strong person and I know he feels threatened by me. Sometimes I really wish I had someone to lean on...I don't have a clue about how to reconcile this situation. I know he needs affection, but when he hugs me, I feel sick inside. Maybe ist's hurt or fear, but whatever it is, it's horrible. We don't kiss, and rarely share the same bedroom (though the door is always open). His job, again, gets in the way because he comes home no earlier than 8-9 pm after leaving at 7-8 am. He says he CAN'T find time, though he wants to. He's always tired and stressed. I want us to have the FRIENDSHIP we used to have, but how can we when he doesn't have TIME? We don't do anything but go to church (and lunch after--somewhere cheap!) together--we're even looking for a new church because our old one refused to offer marital counseling--so that's stressful too! HELP!!!! I want to be close again, but I'm having a hard time finding my way through the forest of neglect, lies, and hurt feelings. Any advice?

Doug,
<p>For some reason my previous post was cut short. But I was going to say that if I was getting sex only about every 3 months I would not only be bitter, I'd be comatose.

Meadow,
<br>I am having a somewhat similar problem! I am a Christian and feel as though God wouldn't want me to judge by appearance, but I am seeing that appearance does have a part in a marriage. I can't really help you. Perhaps you can help me?? I put up a message today. At least you know that you are not alone! I will pray for you, Meadow. Will you please pray for me as well?

I am a wife who's husband had begun to "fall out-of-love" with me. He too turned to women in chat rooms and frequently engaged in "cybersex" and lengthy conversations. He began to neglect me and spend more and more time with his computer. He even began to speak with women over the phone. This went on for about one year. The whole time we were fighting. He was upset with my behavior (I was not fulfilling his emotional needs) and his behavior (with the internet) only brought more of my bad behavior on...
<p>I had been working to change and after one year I had become of different person, a better person. Like most of you, my husbands harsh words and cyber affairs hit me like a ton of bricks. However, even though I had changed, my husband was addicted to his on-line life. It wasn't until he flat out lied to my face to cover up a call he had made from our house to a woman he met on-line. He swore that he hadn't called her, but when the bill came - I had proof. I sat him down and poured my heart to him. I was crying so hard that I was shaking! I told him of the nighmares I had been having, of how much his actions hurt me, that I had changed, that I felt alone and betrayed. Making him sit and listen to me made him finally realize that what he had been doing was wrong. We have been closer and happier ever since.
<p>My point is this:
<br>1) Happy endings do come true, but you MUST both want the same thing and MUST both work together to get there.
<p>Just because your husband/wife may be upset with your actions, that does NOT warrent them to go on-line or whereever and begin an affair. Whether in cyber space or reality - an affair is WRONG!!! My husband didn't get that, he felt that because his on-line actions were held with in cyberspace and NOT physical, that since he didn't care for any of the women he spoke with, that it was ok.
<br>My husband and I were having "commom" problem. Every couple fights from time to time. They also often stop talking (really talking about their emotions and feelings) This was our only problem, all of the other crap was a result of this. Once you sit down and clear the air - you should be able to see straight again.
<p>If you are having an affair (on-line or physically) it is wrong! Maybe you don't belong in relationship where commitment is a part of it. If you can not be honest with, trust in and enjoy the company of your spouse than perhaps you are not ready to be married. (Just my opinion)
<p>