I was married to the father of my 2 children for 13 years. Although things were not perfect, we did have a very close relationship most of the time.
<p>About 12 years into the marriage things began to change. We didn't get along very well. At the time I didn't understand why. Our arguments became constant. But I later learned (after we split up) that my husband was having an affair.
<p>Anyway, we divorced. My first relationship was my rebound relationship. I married my rebound relationship. Now I am in a very unhappy marriage, my ex-husband is trying to get me to leave my present husband and come back with him. I do feel that we could be happy together again, we feel that he knows, and I know what happened, and can fix what went wrong before.
<p>As I said my present marriage is much less than perfect. We've gone to counseling through the church. Nothing works for very long. Should I go with the man I love, or honor my marriage vows and stay in an unhappy home?
<p>In response keep in mind,a reconcile with my ex would mean my children having their family back together.
<p>?????
<br>

This is my first time posting to the forum, though I've been lurking for awhile. I've toured the site, and tried to become familiar with the basic concepts, which make a lot of sense. I'm also about 1/3 of the way through 'His Needs, Her Needs'.
<p>I haven't seen anyone comment pro or con on the telephone counseling offered by Dr. Harley. I have to admit, the idea seems a little unusual (the telephone part, I mean). But then, since I've never gone to conseling before, I don't know what IS usual. So how about it you guys: Is it helpful?
<p>Doug

You are in such a similar relationship as me. I was married 9 years and had 2 children. We had a good marriage for years then things started changing the 9th year. He was drinking, running around with guys (and women) and we divorced too. I was divorced 2 years and wanted marriage so bad again and a family - I too, remarried on the rebound. I love my husband but not the way I loved my ex (who, by the way, has changed a lot now and straightened up) - I see him a lot (he coaches our kids in sports) and I miss the family WE had. I have another child now (age 3) with my new husband of 6 years, but we have rough times. He won't go to counseling. He doesn't communicate and in my opinion so much better to OUR child than my children. Its frustrating, confusing and it HURTS so much. Sometimes I wish I could go back to him freely - but don't know how or what to do either. Can anyone help?

Ok, heres my 2 cents....I think you should look hard at how long you want to remain unhappy???<br>If you know, in your heart, what would make you happy and fullfilled then go for it. I've been were you are and its so hard, wanting everything to be right....you know what to do, dont be scared, do it!!!

A question to both of you. I have never ran around with other woman but I did run with my buddies more than I should have. What is it that got you to thinking you made a mistake and wanting your husband back. I pray to god every night that my wife realises what shes doing before its too late. We have been seperated 13 months. What was it about your first husband that looks so attractive. I'd love to hear from you. I have told my wife that if she ever wants to get together again to tell me even if I was married.<br> Ken

In case you dont know my answer to your question. I would run not walk to my first, your both wiser and you both know where your inner happiness lies.

Ken, when I got divorced, I did NOT, truthfully and honestly think I was making a mistake. I know to this day I did not make a mistake. But I left for different reasons. Those things I left for were killing us as a family. Now, after 9 years he has tried hard to straighten out his life. He quit drinking, he quit the womanizing, and he is settling down and being a good father.<br>So yeah, I would love for today to have been 9 years ago and he had turned around and said "I'm sorry and I will change" but he didn't. He said he didn't want to change and he wouldn't quit drinking. He's lost me. He's lost another wife and another relationship along with that. <br>I can't go to him now and say I love you very much because 9 years later you are NOW who you were THEN. I finally moved on (thinking I never would see the day) I remarried. <br>But what would have made me go back (if he were willing?) the fact that he is the person he was years ago. The person I married because he was happy-go-lucky, he's now a good dad, he wants to be a family and a father.<br>In answer to your question - I don't know if you have kids or not. But when you see your childs heart break, when you see a tear streaming down his eyes, when he tells you he loves and misses his daddy and his family - it would send me running right back and finding a way to make the love and marriage work. Seeing the child who WE made together want us BOTH together would make me go back. Giving my heart the satisfaction that my children are being raised by the parents who borne them; the ones who truly care for them and want to protect them would make me go back. <br>If I weren't remarried (or if my spouse left me or died, or whatever) - I would truthfully find a way to tell him that I truly do love and care for him (though I always did) and that I would love to try to reunite. BUT, for 9 years he didn't want that. So I moved on and now I cannot hurt my present husband and ruin his life (as you feel yours has been ruined) for my own happiness. Would that be fair?

Cndy,<br> We do have children 9 & 6 yrs old and they ask me when we will be back together, they would love to be back together. My wife told me the other week that our youngest argued with her then screamed when are you going back to dad. I also quit drinking a few weeks after we seperated I also went back to church and have found what has been missing and whats important to me. My relationship with my sons is better than I could have ever imagined. We are so close now and when they sleep over its in my bed because thats where they want to be. I wasted a little money on beds I guess. My wife says she thinks I'm doing great and tells me to keep up the clean living, but if I ask her out she says she's not ready for that but IF she does she will let me know. Tells me stop pushing and let her come to me, my god its been 13 months! How will she ever know what I've done or how I am if the only time I see her is when we are exchanging the boys (a total of 5 min's a week) I do anything for her and help any time she ask's, theres nothing I wouldent do and she is aware of that. Could she be enjoying this type of life at my expence. Boy I wish she could look to the future and stop struggling in the past. I have tried every thing and now I'm trying nothing, I dont call or ask her to do things. I'm now tightening up because the holidays are comming and I fear the hurt allready its real sh*tty being alone for the holidays. I hate to even think about it.<br> Ken

Cndy,<br> We do have children 9 & 6 yrs old and they ask me when we will be back together, they would love to be back together. My wife told me the other week that our youngest argued with her then screamed when are you going back to dad. I also quit drinking a few weeks after we seperated I also went back to church and have found what has been missing and whats important to me. My relationship with my sons is better than I could have ever imagined. We are so close now and when they sleep over its in my bed because thats where they want to be. I wasted a little money on beds I guess. My wife says she thinks I'm doing great and tells me to keep up the clean living, but if I ask her out she says she's not ready for that but IF she does she will let me know. Tells me stop pushing and let her come to me, my god its been 13 months! How will she ever know what I've done or how I am if the only time I see her is when we are exchanging the boys (a total of 5 min's a week) I do anything for her and help any time she ask's, theres nothing I wouldent do and she is aware of that. Could she be enjoying this type of life at my expence. Boy I wish she could look to the future and stop struggling in the past. I have tried every thing and now I'm trying nothing, I dont call or ask her to do things. I'm now tightening up because the holidays are comming and I fear the hurt allready its real sh*tty being alone for the holidays. I hate to even think about it.<br> Ken

I know your hurt. I feel the same way. Me and my ex's 2 boys are ages 15, and 11. They would love nothing more than for us to reunite (and have wanted that for 9 years). Its hard. But let me say this: I think as long as she really feels like your their for her in the background - its easier for her NOT to come back. If she feels like you may start dating or drifting, I bet her reaction would be much quicker. 13 months is a LONG time to "not know" what will happen. I give you a WHOLE lot of credit for hanging in for your family. It takes a strong person, but be aware it can drag you down. If the kids live with her; they will start bugging the heck out of her and if she sees them hurting (as I do) it will probably make her think a lot harder. It sounds just like she needs time(and I know its long!!) - but I think you do stand a good chance! Its hard. Its hard for me too. When you have a family and CANT do anything to keep it together, it hurts. Stay strong and let her know your love is there and that you WANT the family back.

Brenda,<p>Didn't you post this same story/question a little while ago?<p>I though you had decided to work on improving your current marriage. Did you have a change of heart or have things gotten worse?<p>Weren't you going to try to make this one work. (Do your best to make it work) before going back to your ex? Didn't you have concerns about getting divorced again, and then the "old" marriage not working out?<p>Val

KenS,<p>I saw your post about asking your first ex to call you "even if you were married again". Aren't you worried about that feeling poisoning your "new" marriage? What would your current wife say if she knew youwere still carrying a torch for your ex? Wouldn't she doubt your dedication? <p>What if everything were going swell with your "new" wife and the old one called? You wouldn't bail, would you? What if things weren't so good with the new wife? <p>Someone just put a new spin on an old saying for me:<p>"If the grass is greener on the other side - WATER THE GRASS ON YOUR SIDE!"<p>Stepping off my soapbox.<p>Val<p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 11-06-98).]

Val, that saying is great! I think I'm going to post it on my wall. <p>The rest of this thread has my mind reeling. I can't even begin to comment on these situations, they are just too complicated. I feel for you all, my prayers are with you.

Val & Cndy<br>Val,<br> You misunderstood my post. I'm seperated from my first and only wife of 17 years. If I were to get married or get into another relationship right now I would be setteling for 2nd best. What I said to my wife maybe soon to be X that if she ever wanted to come home, to tell me no matter what and then I would make a decision.<br>Cndy,<br>Again thanks for the positive words, I can never get enough of them. I dont know if you know but we were in the middle of a divorce but a couple weeks ago I told her I was not going thru with it and she would have to do it on her own if she wanted. Her answer was ok I'm in no hurry because then I get to have medical coverage. I wish she dident have to put the medical stuff at the end but then again maybe its just her way of making me think nothing bothers her. What do you think?<br>I'm in a conflict in that many people tell me to tell her I love her and on the other hand I'm told not be so available because its easyier for her to know I'm there waiting for her. I have told her and showed her how much I love and care for her for a long time and it dident get anything but cold responces like I know BUT yada yada. I have now and for the past month or so not said anything like I love or care for you and do not call her just to chat, now its only things about the boys or to just talk to the boys. I cant tell her I care and then make like I dont if you can understand that. I want to call and leave a messege that I'm thinking of her and care for her but I think that just lets her know that i'm not moving on and she has me on a hook to have whenever she wants. Confused!<br> Ken

VAL,<p>THIS IS NOT A NEW POSTING, IT HAS JUST TAKEN ON NEW LIFE.<p>I HAVE DECIDED THAT I AM BETTER OFF WHERE I AM AT. YOU CAN'T GO BACK. GOD WANTS ME RIGHT WHERE I AM. IT IS NOT GOD'S WILL TO SEPERATE ANY MARRIAGE VOWS. I WILL CONTINUE COUNSELING WITH MY CURRENT SPOUSE AND THINGS "WILL WORK".<p>I HAVE HOWEVER, BEEN OBSERVING. <p>GOD WILL TAKE YOU THE WAY THAT "HE" INTENDS FOR YOU TO GO. TRUST AND PRAY ABOUT ALL PROBLEMS AND HE WILL GIVE YOU ANSWERS AS HE DID FOR ME.<p>BRENDA