My Wife and I have been married for over 18 years now, and I have been faithful to her throughout everything we've gone through. My problem is her weight- she is over 300 lbs at 5'6" tall. I have lost all sexual desire for her, and it is getting tougher every day to remain faithful. She has started many weight-loss programs, only to quit within a month. Please don't call me shallow for feeling this way- I have stood by her for 18 years. PLEASE HELP!!!

<br>On Sept 11 I filed for Divorce from my wife, I still love her Very Much but i could not take her non commentment to our marriage. Now
<br>4 weeks later we have been talking often and spending 1 afternoon a week with each other and the kids. I bought her a promise ring and she is now wearing it. To us it means there is still hope whatever so slight, I talking with her over the last 2 weeks on the phone I belive she is makeing an effort but she is afraid of what her family will think,
<br>during one of our phone call she asked me to back off a little bit that the more I push the further I drive her away, I am very confused were do I draw the line between trying to repair the trust and love and when do I need to Back off, without her thinking that I am giving up?
<br>I truly Belive we can Become a Family again and I belive She wants the same thing.
<br> She also agreed to see our counsler under the pretense that she is doing it to help me
<br>Understand what she is feeling.
<br>she has told me she has built this wall around her and that I broke her Heart (when I found out I broke her heart I cryed for 3 days. I told her I wanted the chance to remove the wall one brick at a time and that I wanted to repair her broken heart
<p>any Advice would be greatly recived
<p>Thanks for Listing
<br>Jim

Julie,
<br> I would give my right arm to have my wife say that and mean it. I had moved out of my house for a trial seperation so my wife and children could stay home. After 4 months she told me she wanted a divorce but she wanted me to file. I have regreted ever leaving my home. During the year I was out we came to an agreement that I would buy her out of the house and said I would not renew my lease. So she left took the money and moved to an apartment with my children. It devestated me and her, she cried for a week but said it was something she had to do. Anyway I only wonder if things would have worked had I stayed home and made her leave if she wanted too. Its been 13 months and I die inside daily still. Your not alone.
<br>Ken

I married my wife 5 years ago. She was 5'8" 245 1bs. I loved her then as I do now. I encouraged her to lose weight because I knew that if she were slimmer, we could have a more active life. It seemed that our only recreation was going to a restuarant. I've always been athletic. My life was feeling very shunted.
<p>Well, over the last year and a half she did just that. A combination of walking and weight lifting equaled a 100+ lb. weight lose! I couldn't have been happier. She looks like a model. Absoloutly stunning.
<p>Well, let me tell you what my "stunning" wife did. She "blamed" me for "making" her lose weight. Then started going to clubs every Friday and Saturday night with her single and divorced girl-friends. Put me 30k in debt, by running all my credit cards up to the limit (buying clothes and jewlery), then had an affair.
<p>She did all this behind my back, and then blamed me for it. When I found out about the money (she hid all the bills), she said she did it because I wasn't appreciating her enough.
<p>Were trying to work on our marriage now, with the guidance of this web site and counseling that starts next week.
<p>Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it.

kenpoman,
<br> l can understand how you feel,both in feeling guilty because it seems only *shallow people would feel like you do,and yet feeling guilt because you DO feel that way,but don't want to think of yourself as a bad person. l can tell you that you are only human and admitting how you feel is a great step. My only advice is to do it in a very tender and noncondescending way,which is extremely difficult. l feel like an expert in this because in one way l WAS your wife,yet in another feel the same as you do.
<br> l come from a very thin family and was thin myself until my late 20's. When l first met my H l was only 20 and he 18. He comes from an obese family and was slightly overweight when l met him and l never told him this,but it did take me awhile to get past that and love him. l know he was very self-conscious, shy,and embarrassed because of it,and yet he has put up defenses that make him see overweight people as weak and lazy,including his family.
<br>Now since he has been in the AF for 14 yrs he has had to always maintain a proper weight,but it is always a struggle and he freuquently has to lose 10 lbs in a month before a weigh-in. As for myself,l began to gain weight while going through yrs of infertility. Probably compounded by the drugs and feelings of failure. By the time l did finally have my first child l had doubled my weight. Pretty sad for a 5'4" 110 woman. then l found myself pg again only 4 months after l had my son and from then on life was pretty hectic. After a few yrs my H started making comments about my weight and lack of doing anything about it. l must say that sent me even further into denial and the abyss l had created. Basically l hated myself,but the hurt l felt inside from his words helped build the wall that prevented me from allowing myself to even *think about how l really felt. Yet,he never withdrew from our sex life,still wanted it all the time and didn't act like it bothered him,but it did me,so although l always went along whenever he wanted,l never initiated things myself,or got as into it as l used to.l think he took that as a sort of rejection of himself,although we never discussed it.
<br>Needless to say he ended up having an affair while he was in Korea(l won't go into the details here as l already have in the infidelity forum) when l first confronted him with my suspisions he denied them,but finally said he was unhappy with us and wasn't sure if it was what he wanted anymore. He said l had let myself go so much,and although that sounds so cold and shallow he couldn't help but feel that way. That it made him feel like l didn't care at all about his feelings and since he grew up with obese parents he knows how horrible that is when the kids get teased and embarrassed because of it.Of course l was shattered and crushed,thinking how could my H be so cruel,but it truly was a revelation for me. He is not the only person in the world to feel that way. l knew my family did. l didn't want old friends to see the way l had become so l distanced myself from everyone. l realized this was my battle and only l could fight it and that couldn't start until l stopped feeling sorry for myself and hating myself. That was in Jan and l am happy to say l now weigh 140 lbs and at least 10 of that is added muscle that l never had even when thin.
<br>l know for myself,it was the affair that made me open my eyes,but in reality we cannot lose weight for anyone other than ourselves,and your wife won't be able to until she is truly ready. l know it is a hard battle,but she can overcome it with time.

Look the only thing I can tell you is I was use to wearing a sze three all my life after being marreid fro 10 years I gained weight and got up to 197 ppounds from 110. I tryied everything to lose weight and nothing helped till I relised I was doing it for the wrong reasons all becccause my husband wanted it. I was very unhappy in my marriage because i new he was discusted with the way I looked. Well I got rid of him for cheating on me just because of my wieght adn then I lost it all IM now back down to a size 5 at 125 ounds and married to a wonderful man. ONly to find out that I had a thyroid problem I take meds everyday now but my life is so much better and the weifgth is gone. Dont stay on your wife about lsing the weight takl to her and tell her you are ocnerned because you love her and you dont want her to dye from ebing over weight. Have her go see a doctor she may have thyriod if so the meds will help and amke a big diffrence in her life as well as your realtionship. If you push her onthe weight issue you will find your self with out the person you really love.

Kenpoman: Saw your post and had to check in on this subject.
<p>I've been overweight most of my life, and I know that has affected my wife's desire for me (tho' there's several other issues, of course). From personal experience, I'd say overweight's gotta be one of the toughest 'habits' to break. For most other vices; smoking, drinking, gambling, and others (including affairs), a big part of breaking the habit is to stop it cold turkey, and keep it away from you. Ya can't do that with food! It's always "in your face", so to speak!!!
<p>One thing you can do for her is give her emotional support: a sincere "Attagirl" and a hug when she's done well would go a long way toward keeping her on her diet. Also, eating the same healthier food that she has to eat (that is, not eating 'fatty' foods in front of her, or worse, asking her to cook a separate meal for you) would reduce her feelings of deprivation, another diet-killer. You might end up dropping a few pounds yourself!
<p>There's more than one way to skin this cat, but I've found Weight Watchers to be very do-able. I've lost almost 40 pounds in 19 weeks. (Your mileage may vary. LOL)
<p>Just as a personal note: When my wife's depression started, she got herself really thin--TOO thin, I think. Since then she's put back on about 35 pounds, and looks much healthier, and sexier too! So, you wife's goal should be to be healthier, NOT to look like Ally McBeal (sp?).
<p>Doug

I don't know if you are still looking for new replies, but I can totally related to what you are saying!
<p>I was 190 lbs when I met and married my husband (ideal is 150 for my height and build). he was OK with that and found me attractive. Well, I gained weight and reached 217. It may not seem like a huge increase, but that's almost 30 lbs and it is noticeable in looking at me and in how active I can be.
<p>Little by little our sex life dwindled - for many reasons, as indicated in another post, but it was clear that he just didn't find me sexually attractive. I KNEW it even when he didn't say it. I could see in his eyes when he would see me naked how he felt disgusted, upset, whatever adjective you want to use. And what did that do to me? At first it made me despair. I didn't know if I could do it! I was afraid I could do it, but not keep it off. I was afraid I was going to do it to just to please my husband and then I would hate him for it (something similar to what Optimist said.) I also thought, well so what if I take off the weight, I'll still age! Will he lose his desire for me because I look so old? So many negative thoughts! So, I actually put on a few more pounds. I figured what's the point? He doesn't really love me. If he did, he would accept me for who I am.
<p>Finally, something clicked - something that took years to do (I've been overweight since I was 17 and have NEVER taken off the weight - never even tried a serious diet for more than a couple of weeks). First, I read Make the Connection, with Bob Greene and Oprah Winfrey. If your wife likes Oprah, then she's heard about it. It talks about making LIFE CHANGES, not dieting. Weight Watchers has a similar philosophy. You don't diet. You change your habits forever and so you only do eating and exercise that you can maintain forever.
<p>Second, I really looked at my life. I love my husband very much - we have our problems and we're working on them, but I KNOW we are good together. He's a wonderful father and we made a commitment to each other, but I realized that my addiction to food was taking over! I was going to let the food win! I was pushing my husband and our marriage away for food! I was screwing up the best thing that ever happened in my life for a binge!
<p>As I said, something clicked. I thought to myself, "how would I feel if my husband gained a lot of weight? Would I be attracted to him?" The answer is NO! I have never found a heavy man attractive. Why should my husband feel any differently about women?
<p>So, I FINALLY decided, this is it! I have to get my life together - my marriage is worth more than binging on crappy food! I started exercising, watching my food intake and didn't binge on junk. My husband was skeptical, but very happy to see that I was trying.
<p>After a couple of weeks, he knew I was serious. Plus, he loved the change in my attitude! I felt, I KNEW I could do this! The weight wasn't as big of an issue as I thought! Simply exercising and eating in moderation was working for me! I could do this! I had only lost 8 pounds or so, but my husband was attracted to this new attitude of mine!
<p>I told him what I needed from him. I needed him to be supportive. I needed lots of emotional reassuring. I needed to know that he was proud of me. And he has been giving me this. I set 10 lbs mini rewards - a date of my choice. He agreed. Plus, he started exercising too. We run together every weekend. Even though I know my pace is too easy for him. We always ate healthy foods, but he eats them with me. I would encourage you to eat whatever she needs to eat to lose weight - you will just need to eat larger quantities to be sure you don't lose.
<p>I've lost 27 lbs so far. And have about 40 to go to reach goal. It has taken me 5 months so far, but that's OK. The weight doesn't have to come off over night! And it is important to come to terms with that. It took years to put it on, it will take time to take it off - but progress is progress!
<p>I exercise 6 times a week to aerobic videos and I now run. I weigh the same as I did when I got married, but actually look better as I am now fit. Our sex life has improved dramatically,(was about every 6 weeks and is now about once a week - still trying to work on the quantity issue - we have reverse problem - I want more, he can't relax with daily stresses). We enjoy each other more!
<p>Do I plan to keep losing? YES! For who? For me. I WANT to be active and thinner and a good role model for my young son (he's two) and I WANT to be attractive to my husband.
<p>I asked him if he will find me attractive when I am old and he said yes. Age is different than weight in his mind and aging isn't getting uglier in his mind. Especially if I stay fit, which I plan too.
<p>Both of us have benefited from this. We are eating even healthier than before and we exercise together or at least at the same time. He encourages me to stay with the program, but gives me lots of warm fuzzies for doing well and understands if i have a bad day or week. He has realistic expectations and wants me to have them too.
<p>So, I would encourage you to do this: state what you are feeling to your wife. Show your love for her, but tell her that you worry about her health and worry that she won't be fit and THERE for your and your kids if she keeps this unhealthy lifestyle. She needs to know that this is a problem for you in the marriage - you love her, but are not attracted to her. Encourage her to find support. There are some fabulous weight loss forums (http.www.3fatchicks.com being the best!) Most importantly, do this with her. Exercise with her. Don't push if she is having a bad day, but make it possible for her to do it. Like make sure there aren't other duties that will take away the time for exercise. For instance, you do the dishes, so she can do an aerobic video. On her journey, tell her each thing you notice getting better - firmer thighs, a face that is slimming down, etc. Also, eat what she eats and don't sabotage her!!! If you just HAVE to have a chocolate bar, eat it at work. Also, realize it is OK to eat "cheat" foods on occassion! This is not a diet, so she should be eating normal foods. Weight Watchers will teach her to eat right without starving and denying yourself of the foods you love. Encourage her to buy books that will help - the Make the Connection book explains it well. She needs to know that starving herself or going to a diet center is not going to work!!!!! Eating in moderation and exercising will work. She also needs to remember that she has to do this for the rest of her life - again, a life change, not a diet.
<p>But most importantly, realize that she has to be ready for this. But SHE must know what you are feeling. If she still loves you, she will want to please you, so you need to tell her what you need. Remind her that she doesn't need to look like a fitness queen to be attractive, but that something needs to change for you and you are there to help her every step of the way.
<p>Hope this helps!
<p>melissa