We've been married for nine years. I think that I have suffered from depression for several of the most recent years. The revelation last week that my husband has been having an affair and that he wants to leave seems to have brought me out of it.
<p>He doesn't want to leave because of the woman he's been carrying on with, but because of many things that I believe are directly related to my depression. The only other thing is that he "wants to do whatever he wants" - although he has indicated that he would be faithful.
<p>I am willing to do anything to keep our marriage together - I love him deeply and believe that he still loves me - he has said as much, even though he feels the love has changed. I told him this and he doesn't believe I can hold to that. The only thing that I want him to do is not cheat on me anymore.
<p>I know that I have not met many of his emotional needs over the past few years, due to being depressed. I have an appointment with a counselor on Wednesday night, and will ask him for help with my depression. I have asked my husband to go to counseling, as I know he has some emotional baggage that he probably could benefit from dealing with - not the least of which is the loss of his mother last October. Tonight I asked him to please consider counseling, even if he thinks it will not help, because, I said, "What have you got to lose?"
<p>He mentioned a trial separation, but believes, because I said so once before, that I will not do it. I have tried to convince him that I would consider that, but he has his mind set on many things: that I would not try a separation, that I cannot change and meet his emotional needs, that we can never be happy again, etc.
<p>I don't know if he "believes" in depression - when I tried to tell him about this tonight, he seemed genuinely concerned, but didn't seem to see that my behavior toward him was drastically affected by this, and that his feelings toward me have been, also.
<p>We get along so well and share so many things that I am frustrated that he doesn't see how much we mean to one another. I am willing to try a separation if he will commit to trying to reconcile - but he really thinks I won't do it. He thinks I'm desperate, and in a way I am, because I don't want to lose him - he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I wrote the previous message a little over a week ago. I have been reading lots of messages in this forum and even replied to some. I thought I would update my story in case anyone wants to comment ...
<p>He is absolutely set on leaving. Although many of the reasons he says he wants to leave are related to my actions/inactions during my depression (as of yesterday under medical treatment), he also says it is not all *me* but that his feelings have changed toward me. He claims he doesn't feel sexually attracted to me, but then has indicated that he has been "controlling" his reactions to me because it is "for the best in the long run". I am interpreting that to mean that he thinks it will be less painful for me if we are not intimate before he leaves. Or maybe it will be less painful for *him*...
<p>I am truly devasted by this - I only cry when he's not around, though. I have told him over and over again that I don't want him to go, but he says he has to. I have done everything I can do to improve all the things that he has been troubled by, and I tell him I love him everyday, and I kiss him good morning, goodnight, goodbye ... I have been giving him cards to tell him how I feel and I have cuddled him at every opportunity. I am probably making it worse for myself because when he leaves it will leave a *huge* hole in my life and in my soul.
<p>Tonight he is out looking at apartments with a friend (not the woman he's been seeing, a male friend he works with). It hit me hard tonight and I have been crying a lot. I wish he'd give us another chance, but he really is convinced that I can't change even though I've told him I'll do anything.
<p>The only lights in all of this are: He's agreed to go to counseling with me, to "humor" me, but he will go and hopefully it will help; and he's agreed to take a weight training course with me at the college where I work, so I will see him at least twice a week, and he will be able to see how hard I am working at improvement.
<p>I hope someone will comment this time ... I'm really crushed about this ...

Hi,
<br>My divorce went through this Oct. 6 and now ex decides he wants me back and is willing to get counseling. He wants me to appeal the divorce, but I think he has to make the move. Before we divorced he moved a woman into our home because he hates to be alone. She is good to him he says, but he does not love her. Really she is a gold digger. I told him he needed to admit to her that he screwed up, and wants to reconcile with me. Can he really appeal or not? What is the process?
<br>Thanks
<br>Starr

Steph:
<br>Thanks for the note. It is good to hear from someone on the other side of the issue. I am working as hard as I can to show him the changes of which I'm capable. I went to my MD on Monday and have been on Zoloft for two days. I know it is not supposed to show any real effects for several weeks, but I felt better almost immediately - not so hopeless, but not much more energy or anything like that. My MD hasn't diagnosed it specifically, but I think I am suffering from "dysthymia" and that is why no one realized I was depressed (one co-worker claims she did, and once, a few years ago did mention it).
<p>Carol:
<br>I empathize with you. I wish I had sought treatment a long time ago, but didn't know I was sick. As you probably read above, I am currently under treatment and my H and I are scheduled to see a counselor tomorrow morning. I don't expect it to do much good, since he is only going to "humor me" - but he is still going. The counselor knows that he doesn't think it will do any good, and has promised not to drive him away in the first visit ... after that, it's up to them.
<p>All the prayers and well wishes are welcome, and I wish all of you the best as well ... I'm glad I found a place to talk about this.
<br>It might just save my sanity at least a little.
<p>terri

Carol, I felt the same way when I read about dysthymia. It seems to be so insidious. That's why it was so hard for anyone to recognize I was depressed.
<p>Our counseling session today was not fruitful, but I like the counselor. She asked incisive questions and I really think that my H could benefit from seeing her - but he doesn't think so and will not go again. I am seeing her again next week and hope that I will learn more about myself and how to keep out of depression and stay motivated in my life.
<p>Maybe when my H sees the improvements are not temporary he will reconsider ... I don't know how long that will be, though, and am afraid I will be living alone for more than a few months. I truly believe he still has love hidden in his heart for me, and even though he has hurt me with his affair, I see now how he came to the point where it happened because of my inability to be motivated
<p>I have lots of love for him and wish he would stay and find out how happy we could be together now that I know what's wrong with me. But, he is determined to go and soon. It is very difficult for me as our lives are going on very much as before this revelation. I will continue to treat him as my beloved husband as long as he is here and he knows this. I wish it would change his mind...
<p>terri

Well, last night he was with the OW, came home about 3:30 am. It feels like he has been withdrawing from me more and more this week. I believe I have been doing well at all the things we talked about - but I think he wants me to just let go... and as long as he is still in our apartment, still sleeping in the same bed with me, I really can't do that.
<p>I still kiss him good night, good morning, goodbye. I touch him in the night, sleep as close as I can to him ... I try not to cry when he is there to see. I tell him I love him several times a day and give him little cards that describe my love for him.
<p>I have been researching marriage websites and information on depression. I wish he would read some of this, as, especially the depression information is chillingly personal sounding. And the ways in which depression can drive loved ones away if they don't understand what it is you're going through ... it's so sad ...
<p>Oh well, just wanted to update ...

Terie
<br> I'm new to this fourm but I know I'v been thru what you are going thru. I suffered from dysthymia for many years and have been on Zoloft for about 1 1/2 years. It worked ok but since giving up alcohol also I'm just a bundle of emotions now, something I lacked for a long time. My wife told me she no longer had the in love feelings about 1 1/2 years ago. She had given up on me and she needed her space so the more I pushed the more she ran. We decided to seperate so I got an apartment and was there for a year. About 3 months after we seperated she told me she wanted a divorce, which was in Feb. We put the house up for sale with in a week and then I told her I would buy her out and keep the house (just in case she got her feelings back) September she moved out and I moved in. She told me it was something she had to do, to be on her own and I said I understood. We are getting along well now as friends now and she accepts my help and now does things for me. Its only been a month since she's been like this but its great to see a genuine smile from her, I HAVE HOPE!! So now I hope you can see how long it takes to get back but I think its possible. Stay on the meds, dont drink and leave him alone. No kisses no hugs no begging to stay, you'll never change his mind and things will only get worse if you try to change his mind for him. Things are starting to look up now that I'v let go. Keep the faith and make yourself better, He will notice.
<br> God Bless, Ken

I saw my counselor today. He said something that really made sense. Maybe it will help you. He told me that the best thing that my husband and I could do for each other, our marriage and ourselves was for me to be the best Juli I could be and for him to be the best Rich he can be. He said, "You fell in love with each other because of the people that you are and being your best self can only have positive results." I hope this helps you a little. Take care.
<p>Juli :-)

Juli, that is wonderful advice. I am doing my best to be the best Terri I can be ... since who I am has become, over the last 13-14 years, so entwined with my love for Frank, showing him how much I love him is part of being the best I can be right now.
<p>I *haven't* been the best I can be for a long time, though ... and that has done a lot of harm to our relationship. I have been doing a lot of thinking about priorities and goals and, while now my life is in so much flux I cannot dream of making any serious big decisions, I may be making some in the near future. About work, about education ... things like that.
<p>I hope that I will be able to make these decisions with my husband in my life, but I will make them, nonetheless ...