Here is a story that I can't find on these pages anywhere, but I suspect the feelings I have are not unusual, and maybe somebody can help me deal with it. I married 4 years ago after dating for 2 years. He is 10 years older than I am. My husband had 2 teenage children by a previous marriage and he had 50/50 custody, I have a 12 year old boy of my own. Before we married he seemed like a loving father and the girls seemed very sweet, but as soon as we married I discovered otherwise. The girls seemed to have emotional problems, and my husband was a very distant father, never disciplined them, hugged them or anything. They are on their own now, and about a year ago we discovered that they were molested by their much older half brother when they were very young, for a period of years. Apparently my husband's wife knew something at the time, but never told him. I had a hard time understanding how this could go on under his nose and he didn't know, but I accepted it seeing how uninvolved he actually is with people. Then, another revelation. His ex threatened to tell me about a past incident with him if he didn't do something she wanted, so he told me himself to eliminate the blackmail threat. He had tried to have sex with his 18 year old stepdaughter, who he raised. This fantasy about his step daughter was going on while his daughters were being molested. He told me this via email! I kicked him out. After a week, I decided I couldn't break up my marriage because of something that had happened 15 years earlier, so I took him back. Then, another revelation; in the interests of honesty he confessed all. My husband had used the time he was away from me by using hardcore pornography and masturbating to it. He also confessed that he'd brought a box of playboys to his previous marriage, and it turns out that his stuff was what his son had used in starting to molest his daughters. He hasn't brought porn into our house, but confessed to using the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, and renting XX movies on business trips. I'm shocked at all of these things, angry at myself for not knowing what type of man I married, and angry at him for not telling me before we married so that I could decide if this was the kind of man I could live with. How can I ever trust him again? The sad thing is, we have a baby together now and I don't want to break up my family over the past. He says he very much regrets the pass he made at his stepdaughter and wished he could take it back. He says he'll never look at porn again, that it's not an addiction and it's not a need, just something he did. We went to counselling but it hasn't helped me and we are going to try somebody else. But, in the meantime, I'm so angry, all I do is yell, and it's been 5 months since I discovered this stuff. I value honesty above all, and my life with him has been a web of deceit and I'm not even close to forgiving and forgetting and trusting. How do I do that? I feel betrayed.

Not a bad idea Ryan but unfortunately that option while inviting is not realistic under the circumstances. We try to talk daily by phone and via E-Mail and she travels with me occasionally. Otherwise, weekends are our only time together. Not traveling is not a real option for us.
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KS,
<p>Gee, KS. Can I get you to call my wife and give me plug? No, I'm not a counselor. I'm a computer technician.
<br>Unfortunately some of what I've learned I've learned after the fact of my own marital screwups. My biggest hope now is that my wife will give me the chance to show that I've really learned it.

To all,
<br> Thanks to all, I explained Sunday night to my wife that I'm not going thru with it and if she wants it then she can get it. She said OK that she's in no hurry for divorce plus she gets to stay on my health insurance. So for now I feel comfortable and am not going to mention divorce or reconcilation again thats up to her. Thanks to all.
<br> Ken

Parizade, "With all due respect," your reply is much more hostile than mine. Can you read?
<p>I said porn is a great evil! I referred her to a wonderful collection of web pages going on and on about how evil it is, and what can be done about it! I did NOT say her problem was trivial or ridiculous!
<p>But it is ALSO true that a man buying the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated is hardly Charles Manson. Lighten up.

You wrote to anne that "the dabbling with porn you describe in your email is trivial and placid and bland and almost ridiculously mild and normal... " I disagree! I think the problem anne describes is a little more serious than that. Maybe not Charles Manson serious, but pretty bad. We're talking about a man who left Playboys where his stepson could use them to molest his daughters, a man who attempted to molest his stepdaughter, a man who is still using hardcore XX pornography whenever he can get away with it. In addition to ALL the above, he also looks at the Swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated.
<p>I didn't criticize your references to Promise Keepers. I'm sure they have some very good information. And I didn't criticize any of the advice you gave her. So you lighten up, okay? <p>[This message has been edited by Parizade.]

Thanks for the replies, I've read them with great interest. I wasn't insulted by the previous comments, although I don't feel that what my husband has done is trivial. My husband has purchased hard core porn - he just never brought it into my home. Apparently he threw it away before we married, and since then has only bought it when away on business trips. The only thing he had in our home was the SI mag, but it was used for the same purpose, so I feel bad about that too. Bringing a box of playboys into his former wifes house with a pre-teen boy there is a bad idea no matter what. He did make a pass at his stepdaughter, and to me the fact that she was 18 doesn't make much difference, it was still very wrong. Anyway, about the porn: I don't think he can be addicted to this junk, as he has confined his purchases to the 3 business trips he's been on in 4 years. He seems to be able to control these impulses. (He'll also never go on another trip alone again!) I did print the articles from the Promise Keepers and I gave them to him. He says he understands how destructive what he did is to our relationship and he sees how much it hurt me. He has apologized and stated nothing like that will ever happen again, and he is truly remorseful about what he suggested to his step-daughter back then. He isn't a danger to our children or me. The problems are actually mine now - not his. He hid so much of his past from me that I wonder who I actually married. I have completely lost all trust in him, and it's difficult to live this way. Somebody said he might not have told me all, and that is my biggest fear. He says he has, but how do I believe that? I'm very angry, I don't know how to start forgiving him. It's hard to reconcile the picture of the man I thought I was getting with the person he has revealed himself to be. If it's true that you are what you do, then he is a pretty selfish and weak person. I suppose that if he is sincere in his remorse and he really will stay away from this lifelong habit, then my trust will come back, but until then, it's hard. I guess what I really wanted was to vent a little and some help in learning to forgive. Maybe I should read the infidelity board. Thanks again for the comments.

Doug,
<p>
<br>In response to yours, I think you are mixing affection with sex. I love affection....and sex but my husband also mixed the two up. Affection can be shown to a man or a woman in many ways, a touch, a kiss, a hug, holding hands or just plain holding each other as you fall asleep. In my case I stop responding to even the affectionate moves because I only received them when sex was expected to follow. I agree with Bruce that waiting three months is a bit much but so is expecting it every nite. That I would think is no longer a 'need' but a compulsion. We all have needs but that doesn't mean that everyone of them will be fulfilled every time...there is a point of compromise. From a personal standpoint I wouldn't want to have sex every nite either....it would kind of lose its appeal and I would become resentful. I also work fulltime take care of a house and a child and damn there are some nites I just want to go to sleep. Affection on the other hand can be something so small or any of those listed above....such as doing something for the other person to help them out with asking for it to be done....a call at work to just say hello...
<p>So try to separate the two....and if your wife's #1 need is affection each day ask her to clarify what that means to her, I think you are pretty clear on what you need and I don't think I could go along with that either but maybe she just needs to know that you are there....a kiss without strings attached. She may be resenting your touch because she equates your touch with your need for sex and cannot comfortably fulfill that need.
<p>Kathy

anne, glad to see you're still here. I noticed last night your post hadn't gotten a timely response, and worried you might have left as many people do.
<p>I'm glad you didn't think my post was insulting, because I was truly trying to comfort, not insult.
<p>My wife Lynn and I have been going through fireworks lately, and are well on the way to a beautiful reconciliation, despite offenses at least as serious as those you are struggling with. Believe me, as a wronged spouse who had things hidden from me, I understand how you feel.
<p>In the past 10 days on the infidelity board are many immensely practical and wise posts about exactly what it means to forgive (what you need to try to find out how to do) and to make amends (what your husband needs to do). Hope you can find something there of use to you. You are indeed dealing with something very akin to infidelity.
<p>