I know that someone else has or is going through what I am today. I have been married for almost 4 years and have a 8 month old baby. My wife is extremely busy with work and other responsibilities. I am a very helpfull husband in the sense that I do all of the male things around the house as well as many of the traditionally female things. These include laundry, cleaning, taking care of the baby, making formula, bathing the baby, taking the baby to get her shots, cleaning, and cooking. I do all of these things because I do not mind doing them in fact most of them I enjoy. I love spending time with and taking care of our baby too. Now to the point of my post... my wife does not have the same sexual desire that I have. Our honeymoon was great and in fact she wore me out then. The first conflict after we got married was that she needs more sleep than I do, so I could not wait until 10:00 p.m.. to get intimate. There were some times during the day when we would make love on the spur of the moment, but not many. I used to try and get to bed earlier and arouse her with a massage or kissing and carressing, but after a bunch of rejections I quit. I can not stand the rejection! My wife always seems tired, stressed out, or does not feel good about herself. I give her cards, call her during the day and tell her I love her, give her hugs, offer to run her a hot bath, tell her how sexy she is and etc.. She has gained some weight since our baby was born, but is still the sexiest woman alive to me. Because I do not believe that masturbation is right I tried to get her to help me ejaculate, but she said she would rather stay up and have sex. When she gives in I feel like she does not have any real desire, but is just giving in to my request. I thought she might feel dirty after making love and suggested that I get some condoms and she said she did not want me to. So at this point I just wait until she decides that she wants to have sex. This means that sometimes I will have to wait as long as 3 months. I hate being married and having dreams that make me ejaculate and not being able to do this with my wife. Can anybody out there relate? Any suggestions? Besides this I am happily married!!!

Hi I'm new to this board but not to the problems dissused here. First off a little about my situation. I'v been seperated for 13 months after my wife told me she dident have those in love feelings for me any more, that she loved and cared for me but did not feel like a wife. When we seperated she changed from June Cleaver to one of the spice girls. Went from nice build to six pack abs, started wearing tight clothes, went tanning and got a tatoo. I'v been hopelessly been trying to have her try to take a look at herself and her actions but she's having too much fun going to clubs and hanging with her younger friends, As if she missed something. Anyhow she's 39 we have 2 children and have been together 17 years. One good thing that I'v done has been to work on myself and my relationship with myself. I have found that you cant change someone elses thinking but you can change yours. I have read 10's of thousands of pages of self help and relationship books, internet stuff and post. I feel that you can change your self which is good for the people that want to change and bad for people like me who can only hope for someone else to chang. I can tell you if you have a good husband or wife you are very lucky. Theres nothing out there but tons of bull****ters and game players as far as I'm concerned. I do see that many dwell on past wrongs and not the good things that have happened during thier marriges. I think some are narrow minded and are a little selfish, I dont feel love, I dont trust, I dont feel good, I want more! Time for a reality check! The fireworks are uasally over after 3 or 4 years. Look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself an honest assement on what part of those feelings or lack of are your part. Sometimes we need to take a few steps back and gain a different perspective. Why did you marrie him or her have they changed if so a lot of times for the better. Take a look at all the good qualitys your spouse has and how they feel and do for you. Try focousing on the positive things in your life due to your relationship. Always picture your mate on thier best day, no one is perfect, not even you. Get honest with yourself and stop blaming your spouse for you not feeling good, that comes from whithin your self. Then when you figure out what your really missing then go for it and take your spous with you. Even if its naked bungie jumping, I'm sure that will give you both something to get excited about! Last but not least how would you really feel if your spouse passed away or left never to see them again. Sorry to be so blunt but sometimes thats what it takes to wake up. Good luck to all here and God Bless.
<br> Ken

Greg,
<br>I think one of the things you said really touched a cord. My wife has gone through several things since we have been married that have torn chunks of her self-esteem out. These being the death of a relative, parents divorce, and then gaining weight after having a baby. I think this has all led to a depression that she does not know how to deal with or let me help her with.
<br>Hang in there yourself...

Dave,
<br>I just happened to come accross your post. There are many couples going through what you're going through. Check out the "my wife doesn't want to be married" threads. I feel the same way your W does about my H. There are a bunch of us, men and women trying to find the solutions to these problems on that other thread. For my H and I it all goes back to when we were first married and bagage that has been carried around since then. I have a 6 month old son, and I think that some of the stresses that go with a new baby brought our situation to a head. Anyways, I'm not going to get into it, since I've done that in this previous thread, but talk to her, find out what she is feeling. I had to write a letter to my husband. Now that everything is out in the open we are trying to reslove the problems we're faced with.
<br>Good luck, hope things work out for you.
<br>Nat

This sexual thread is the first that has made me feel fortunate. After almost 20 years of marriage I'm more sexually crazy about my wife than ever. Even with the stress of the problems we are going through I have sexual relations with her two or three times a week.
<br>I remember she almost killed me on our honeymoon. But she created a Frankenstein. The first six months was sex anytime, anyplace, non-public of course.
<br>Now it has mellowed out with more longevity. I've become a master at getting the kids to sleep. The only times I've gone without for extended periods were post-pregnancy, and occasionally some bad arguments have caused as much as a week's lag time. Other than that I've never gone without long. Frankly, if I had to go 3 months without it I'd be a BASKET CASE, unless there was a good reason for it.

Please let me know if this makes sense to any of you. Since I have had some time to think about the situation I believe that there are several things related to my wife's lack of interest in sex. 1) unresolved anger and bitterness towards her father and the divorce 2) unresolved grief in her Grandmother's death 3) low self-esteem since she has gained weight due to the birth of our baby 4) tiredness due to her work schedule and 5) a low sex-drive to begin with. Any thoughts ladies?

Dave, do a web search on "depression" and read as much as you can. It's very possible that your wife is suffering from depression, and that is treatable.
<p>Also, perhaps if you used different phrasing when talking about sexual intimacy with your wife, you would begin to see it differently. I know that I prefer the term "making love" to "having sex" since "making love" to me is an ultimate expression of my feelings for my H. "Having sex" just sounds so impersonal - I don't know if that's how you feel about it, or if you're just used to referring to intimacy in that way. Just an observation, not criticism.

We have been touching on this discussion in another thread so I'll be brief. I have these feelings towards my husband, and I think that they date back to resentment towards him that I have been carrying aroundfor the past 5 years. Instead of dealing with his controlling ways they simply caused my intimate feelings towards him go numb. We have all our feelings laid out on the table now, and are trying to create new memories to replace those I've kept locked up, and he has taken responsibility for his past actions. I is a slow process, but I think things are slowly improving. I find myself draw back to him a little every day.

Nat,
<br>I have to tell you how much I respect you for trying to work things out with your husband. Even though you may want to hold back you seem to be making an effort to get your feelings out in the open where they can be worked on and adjusted.
<br>The thing that bothered me so much was that I couldn't understand why, when I wanted so badly to fix things and was obviously willing to do whatever it took that my wife didn't seem to be moved much by that. It was as if she didn't want to fix it. And she actually admitted once that she wasn't sure she wanted to.
<br>In other words she was saying that she wanted to short circuit any healing process so that we couldn't set matters right. She even admitted that she could probably be ok if she did join me in repair efforts. That floored me.
<br>Since then she seems to be doing a little better. I think she may just have been venting at the time, which she has done when I seemed to be pressuring her.
<br>In most cases it seems that the wife is very reluctant to move ahead even when the man is obviously ready to commit to positive change.
<br>You are an example of hope.

I don't know much about being an example of hope. At first when my H. asked me to go to councelling my reaction was "What's the point". I was at the stage that I really didn't care and was to tired to even consider trying to mend things. It was looking into my 6 month old son's eyes every day that really put things into perspective. I decided to go see a councellor by myself and she turned things around for me. Her comment was that as least if I tried and things still didn't work out I could look my son in the eye and tell him that his dad and I really gave it an honest effort. That was the best advice I've ever gotten; and am thankful that I didn't walk away.

Terri,
<br>Thanks for making the observation about my using the term "having sex". I think I used that because that is the way my W seems to view it most of the time. When she might notice that I am aroused she will occassionally say that it is alright with her if I want to make love, but let's go ahead and do it. What I hear from this is, "Lets get it over with" and it seems more of an action rather than an expression of love. My W does not seem to have much interest in experimentation of any kind either. I think it is the result of how she feels about sex.
<br>

Dave, first of all I want to say how glad I am that there are others having sexual problems and talking about it on this board. I would NEVER discuss this with the friends I see now, and the ones I'd discuss sthis with I don't see enough of to warrant talking about my sex life!
<br>Also, I see no problem with you masturbating. Try it with you wife there so that she feels included, then it is her choice to not participate. But you might hurt her feelings if you leave her totally out. But other than that I don't have advice. If you read my other posts you may know that my husband is the one that doesn't put sex on his list of important things. And now that I've been thinking about this subject all week I am concluding that that may be where our problems STARTED. I started out by complaining that I was never satisified. I'm sure I hurt his ego and confidence. And then we'd have sex less and less. Then I'd get pregnant and we'd have sex the first two months and then not again until after the babies were born (I took it to mean that he was turned off my my growing body). When we got married friends gave me some nice lingerie. I'd wear it, but never get a reaction from him---and I ended up feeling cheap. So I got rid of all that. You know I am resentful. I used to be skinney and could wear stuff like that. Now I weigh145, and he does say "we" need to lose weight, but it makes me mad that I was never appreciated at 110. Sorry for all this, I am venting a bit. Best wishes in getting your wife interested.