TL and others,<BR>I am the betrayed spouse. I have endured this for nearly 6 years (off and on during the entire time.) I still advocate doing God's will which is forgiving as long as the other person is asking for forgiveness. TL, if I am not mistaken, I thought you said that you are a Christian. We Christians are supposed to let His light shine and not our own. It is hard because the pain is great. Yet, He never promised you that this part of your enternal life would be wonderful. It is only the part of our eternal lives that comes after judgment day that will have no pain or suffering in it. We are to rely on Him at all times. When we listen to our feelings, we fall prey to Satan. Listen to the Holy Spirit speak to you.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Maya, i have read your post, please read my response.

Ladies, please, please stop the bickering!!! I started this thread because I truly wanted everyone to know that I asked all these questions of Mia and she answered and how much I regretted knowing all that I now know. I don't care anymore about the betrayed vs. the betrayers conflicts. We are all hurt and angry and downright confused aren't we? <P>God, how many of you can say your spouse's OP posted here on this site for everyone to read, including the injured party? I bet not anyone of you! I guess that's something unique to me. Lucky me. Mia's appology here hurt me. But still, nothing compares to how my H continues to hurt me. I cannot say, without reservation that I believe his affair is over. I doubt it. Mia didn't give me any indication either way. And I didn't come right out and ask if she was still "in love" with him. I had already heard enough!<P>For those of you who say I need to learn to forgive so that I'm no longer consumed by this....well, I'm looking for that strength, but it's too dammn hard to find. To truly forgive him and what he's done or is still doing takes more energy than I have right now. I think when it's time to let go, (and believe me, that time is soon) I will forgive him not for his sake, but for my own sanity. Forgiving him means to me I accept what he has done, and I can't do that.<P>Tommorrow I go back to the counselor. It has become a crying fest for me there. I grow more and more depressed everyday. And with depression, I FEED my lonliness. As if I don't already have that "fat" complex. I HATE what he's done. And yet, I know in many ways I hold some of the responsibility for it. <P>So, again, please, everyone, stop bickering with each other. I need everyone, whether you are the injured party or not to help me feel like I can get through this.<BR>

Is everyone feeling better today?

Yes, Mom. LOL<P>I was in a mood yesterday (see apology). I am usually a very fun person .... it's these @#$% hormones ... I HATE BEING A WOMAN. Gets me in too much trouble anyway, ya know? <P>I do wish the very best for you, TL. I know it's a very very tough situation and the pain on this board is just unimagineable. I deal with the guilt that the very act that has caused all of you so much pain is the same thing I did to my H last summer. I still struggle with forgiving myself for the damage .... <BR>

I wonder alot if "Miss Mia" is "struggling" to forgive herself for all the pain she has caused me. She and my H should be feeling great pains of guilt for their actions. But who knows really, except them. My heart still prays that this affair is over, but my mind just laughs..

TL, only you can decide when you've had enough. Everyone has a different breaking point. If yours is a month, so be it. I think Chris here has been going on for three years. I don't think I could do it.<P>I think my own situation will come to a head one way or the other this weekend.<P>Your pain is legitimate. I'm not sure that an "apology" by the OP really makes a difference ultimately in how you feel. Anyone can say "I'm sorry." It's a lot harder to avoid hurting people in the first place; though that's what people ought to do.<P>I understand what you're going through. I live with a narcissist too, who's only able to understand his own feelings, never mine. I also understand that "fat complex." <P>As far as the therapist is concerned, I walked out on mine last night and slammed the door. I went back because I knew if I didn't, I'd have to find another one.<P>Ultimately we have to try as best we can to make the right choice. It's not easy, especially when clouded by depression.<P>Keep posting. I for one will listen.

TL -- Like you, I am praying for the Lord to open my heart to the path of forgiveness. I've been out of the house two weeks tomorrow and the time spent with him has been quality time for the most part. He started therapy yesterday. My sanity is slowly coming back. However, I still have to park near the buggy returns at Walmart so I can remember where I parked my car!!!

Thank you Dazed and everyone else - I've realized that my destiny is in my own hands. I value and truly need your support. Definately won't get any at home. Gee, can't wait to hear what the counselor suggests tonight. She's been steering my down the separation path. Perhaps in all her years of wisdom, she's in a better position to see my situation more clearly than I.

Sorry TL, Maya and I have put down our boxing gloves to stop fighting for our cause!! lol I hope you are feeling just the slightest bit better today. I think it makes matters worse when we stay in the house all day, that just makes it IMPOSSIBLE to think about anything else than what has happened. At first I wouldn't go out, but then I started hanging out with my girlfriends, dancing, movies, etc. Though it didn't take the situation off of my mind it did help me alittle to know that at least I am not sitting around letting life pass me by because of his actions. Actually, I was so out of it for the first 2-3 weeks that a co-worker had to give me presciptions drugs just so I could get through the day at my job. Then 1 day, I looked at myself and thought "I can't destroy my mental and physical self because of his hurtful actions". That is when I took control back (still hurting though on the inside)and starting trying to live again. I hear you say that your self-esteem is down due to your weight. Is it because of what your husband thinks of your weight? Or is it because of how you feel about your weight? If it is how you feel then why not join a gym. I joined a gym and realized that I felt a lot better about myself, because instead of me just sitting around talking about it, I was actually doing something about it. Just some suggestions to try to get you out and about again to try to get you to concentrate on something else if only for 2 minutes. Believe me, i know it takes baby-steps!

Remember, Plan B is for when you just can't take any more. Perhaps you are there. Remember, you're the only one who can decide when enough is enough.<P>I have the impression that you don't know for sure if it's over, right?<P>TL, if I didn't have a house that I would fight with every inch of my life for; if we were still living in apartment, I would check into a hotel and leave H a note: "I will call you in five days. You have five days to decide who's more important: Me of OW/"friend." But possession is 90% of the law, I'm the one who wanted the house, and I'll be DAMNED if I'll leave it for him.<P>My therapist seems to feel there's nothing she can do to help me cope; that it's "deal with it and kwitcher*****in' or leave."<P>Not an attractive set of alternatives.

Tired lady-<BR> I understand how you feel. Do I stay in this or go on with my life. But, you have more choices than that. After finding out about H latest affair I tried to "love him through it". It was almost impossible for me to stay in that situation AND "LHTI" at the same time. The situation was killing me and not helping him or our relationship. I asked him to leave.....He didn't want to, but he did eventually leave. I have NO desire to divorce him. I believe with all my heart in "till death do us part". I also believe that God moved me aside so He can deal with my husbands problems. <P>Since the seperation I have not gone to what is called "plan B". I "believe" the affair has ended. He has told me that and I have to believe him. I talk to my husband almost every day. See him often. We go to dinner, on short trips together, spend weekends together. Sort of dating, if you will....And during that time I have seen changes in him that I believe wouldn't haven't happened if he were still in the house with me and that cloud that hangs over us all in "that" situation.<P>In reading Oswald Chambers today it says: <P>If we believe in Jesus, it is not what we gain, but what He pours through us that counts. It is not that God makes us beautifully rounded grapes, but that He squeezes the sweetness out of us. Spiritually, we cannot measure our life by success, but only by what God pours through us, and we cannot measure that at all. <P>I take this to mean that the most important thing is that we find a way to love our spouses through it. And, it doesn't necessarily have to be in the same house or no contact. If the hurt is so bad for you that it's interfering with your loving your husband in the right way, maybe being together isn't the answer.<P>The hard thing is you have to be willing to let God move in the situation "No matter what". Put your agenda aside and let God work. I hope this helps.<P>God bless you.<BR>DLS

Thanks for that, DLS. I can already feel a new "patience" for lack of a better word, towards my H because I don't have to deal with it all day in day out. <P>We are going to the beach together the 15th of Sept. (to visit son at school and have "some time" for ourselves. I had been dreading it, but now am looking forward to it in a big way. He told me the other night he was looking forward to it as well.<P>