I am currently in California and my wife is in Ohio. she says that she does love me but is afraid that if we get back together life will same as before. Iwas an idiot then I got so wrapped up in trying to make life better that I lost of what was important the US part of our marriage. I came to California from Ohio at my wife's suggestion to find work because nothing was available in Ohio. I have a good job here with the phone company as a systems administrator and there is room for advancement. My wife as not used her masters degree since she was forced out of the Air Force 12 years, she said that feels she cannot manage anything. She is very depressed and I caused it. I did not fullfill her emotional needs. I want her back, how can I get her to leave Ohio and trust in me again, we have unofficially separated for over a year. I talk to her on the phone at least once a week. she says she does love me. What can I do?

I guess nobody has any suggestions. Thanks anyway.
<p>I want and need my wife. I am lost without herand yet I can't figure out how to get her back.
<p>Dan

Dan,
<p>How much do you love your wife and want her back? Are you willing to move back to Ohio? I know it would be hard to give up a good job. It may not come to that but have you even offered this to her. Maybe in just offering (but it must be sincere) it would show her what you are willing to give up to be with her. The only other advice I can give you is what Dr. Harley would say. Court her all over again just like the first time and maybe even better. Good Luck.
<br>Steph

Gee, Dan. I'm from Ohio and have been living in North Carolina since 1977. Here in the Research Triangle there are good technical jobs to be had and I'm working my way up in that field. Hope to be ready for a network admin position by mid next year. Yet the cost of housing is so high here that I have been speculating about moving back to Ohio, close to Columbus. Is the job market that bad there?
<br>Anyway, I know that's not what you're concerned about. Like you I became so wrapped up in making things better that I forgot about the most important things. The hard thing is that once you realize how bad you've messed up and are truly repentant and ready to make repairs, the wife has gone to a psychologically distant place. Your efforts to bring her back seem to bear little or no fruit in the short run. You have to love her enough to be willing to suffer that frustration while you are depositing every love unit you can into her love bank. Call that woman. Write to her as often as you can. Let her see that you want her more than anything. I don't know where your wife is psychologically, how distant she is. I hope not much because Ohio is distant enough for you. But maybe once she sees this from you she will come to California.
<br>You said something about it bothering her that she hasn't used her degree. If you could look into some opportunites for her and, if you find some good ones, tell her about them that might make her feel even better about coming out. She'll get a loving man and a chance to use something that has been a source of anxiety for her until now. Ask her for her resume and pass it out to potential employers. Brainstorm. You'll come up with something.
<br>Keep us posted, Dan. I want to hear about a happy reunion. God bless.

Thank you to both Steph and Bruce for your responses.
<p>As for jobs in Ohio, in the Columbus area there are jobs.
<p>In Greenville the nearest job market is Cinncinati or Columbus, heck of a commute. My wife did not want to move at the time I was looking.
<p>I took my latest job with a minimum 2 year commitment. The official title is Technical Support Manager for a small group using a local NT server. Bruce good to hear you are working toward Network Admin, you will find that alot of jobs are still Novell and not NT, just keep that in mind.
<p>My wife has a masters degree in General Management and a bachelors in elementary education. She does not want to teach, says a room full of kids would drive her nuts. States that since she can not manage a household how on earth could she possibly manage a business. I have tried to explain that it is different, and she knows this. She uses her failure in the Air Force as a crutch for her depression. I drove truck for four years after getting out of the service and going to school on weekends. With only one day home each week and studying on that day, I did not spend enough time with the wife. She kept encouraging to take the classes, the whole time moving further apart. I never did get a degree, I got the current job because of experience. I am still working a degree, although not pursuing it right now.
<p>I have arthritis in my legs and hands, the extremely cold winters in Ohio were devastating, during the winter I had to sleep downstairs unless I literally crawled upstairs becase my legs were so stiff. Here in California I have more mobility because of the warmer temps. No, I will not go back to Ohio, California is my native state and I am staying.
<p>I have my wife's resume and she has been put in for over 150 jobs here in the Bay area. She has been called at least twice that I know of. She was suppose to call the parties back after Emailing a full resume to them, she admitted that she never called. She states that she is afraid that things will not be different if she comes out here, no matter waht I say or do I cannot seem to convince her otherwise. I am to the point of giving up, I love her deeply but, I cannot go on with the back and forth emotions they are taring me apart. I call her every Sunday although the last two she has not been home at the time she said to call. I feel that she is avoiding me. That she is having an affair I know becuse she has told me. She has two boyfriends, yet I still love her. I don't know why but, I do.

No one else has responded since it was suggested I move back to Ohio.<p>I gave reasons from depression, confusion, hate, I am not sure. <p>The company I work for is in the process of merging with Ameritech in Ohio.<p>Ameritech has corporate offices in Columbus. It has been suggested by the company that I look into a transfer after the merger is complete. This is definetly something I am considering. I still have the two year committment in writing to my current position, I have asked, can't get out of that. At least not at this time.<p>I mentioed to my wife about the possibility of a transfer, and asked if she would be willing to come out here in the meantime. She did not respond with a yes or a no. Just, maybe. I guess this is a start and I try to stay positive but, it is getting harder eevery day. I has been 20 months since I left. I was crazy to leave her and pursue work elsewhere. If I just stayed there and found something, collecting trash, street sweeper, janitior, something, I might still have a wife. But, NO!, I had to take the plunge and make the fatal jump into logic and have suffered because of it. Yes, I am bitter. Bitter at the affairs she has had while I have been faithful, Bitter at the men living with her, having sex with her, etc.. However, I still lover her. My door is open to her all the time. I try help out all I can. I have her resumes posted on 10 listings. I get responses form them I send her reusme for her. I call her each week and tell her what responses I sent. She writes them down and turns them in for her unemployment check. She makes no attempt to find work in the local area and relies soley on me to get her unemployment. I know she states that she does love me. This is what keeps me trying, hoping, praying. I am running out of caring, giving and trying. I suppose I could take the time and find someone else and then just give up on her, but I love her too much. I am not intereseted in anyone else. She keeps saying that she does love me, that makes it very difficult. I know that hse sleeps with other men. I am just slowly losing it

Dan: How are you? I felt so bad for you when reading your posts and can understand the frustration you feel when you ask this forum for some help and it seems slow in coming. I'm at that stage myself.<p>Anyway, my husband has gone away at least four times in our 5 year marriage for work. Each time he had asked me to come with him but as they were going to be relatively short term I felt that someone had to stay behind and keep the home fires burning, as it were. (Really as they were relatively short term I should have gone. If you are married you should be together, however, I may have learned that a little too late.) As a result, I was eventually left with the continuous fear of 'when is he going to leave again' which has been very damaging for my psyche. I could have gone with him each time and rented out our house (we have no children)and now I wish I had done. To my knowledge he has never strayed and I have always been 1000% faithful as I have loved and do love him with all my heart. Now though, I still have those feelings of not being able to depend on him and to the extent that I have been afraid that if we ever had any children, would I be left holding the baby, literally. He is a great guy, it's just that his career has plagued us emotionally and financially.<p>We moved to a city, without jobs lined up at one stage and because of his career and not being able to find anything in that field, he took a lesser job which ended up destroying his soul. So, think carefully about the 'janitor'etc. Further complications can occur if depression gets you, that's what happened to my H. Then we moved somewhere else and again bought a house and eventually he went off to study abroad, asking me to go with him and I didn't go. I didn't know how sincere he was at that stage. As a result, I got into a bad state and filed for Divorce which I am now regretting and am trying to do something about!<p>I'm going off on a tangent here, but a number of thoughts come to mind. 1) It's great to read how much you love your wife but there is something keeping you apart and it's not the job market or your arthritis! 2) Please be careful that your weekly contact with her is out of love and not out of the fantasy for the love and the relationship that you once had. 3) From her perspective, and I'm sure you won't want to hear this, is your weekly contact about keeping the unemployment check coming? Don't enable too much. 4) You did not cause her depression, don't shoulder that responsibility, you are giving yourself a lot of power over another human being which, unless you have commited some terrible attrocities, I don't think you have that power. 5) The problem of her sleeping with other men or living with other men would be a big one with me. If I found out that my husband was behaving in such a manner, that would seal the fate of my marriage. Maybe I should be a bigger person, but that is something that I could not cope with on numerous levels.<p>It sounds to me that due to your wife's depression she has 'lost the run of herself' and that she is totally insecure and needs constant reassuring from other men, validation of sorts. She may be looking at it that she failed in the Air Force got depressed, her husband left her and doesn't care enough and so is looking to other men to fill that void. Women give sex for love, or so it is thought!!!! She sounds like a shell of a person, well qualified but doesn't have the confidence or self esteem to do anything about it.<p>It doesn't take much to see that being in a city with your husband who is earning more than an unemployment check, who can offer security on many levels, which in turn may instill confidence and self esteem therefore leading to getting a job, where the weather is better (that would be an issue with me too as I have injuries that are affected by the cold) would be the logical step.<p>She also sounds like someone who is caught in a cycle and is so low that cannot pull herself out of it.<p>I think the best thing would be for her to make a move and you are right you have to get her to trust you again on a lot of different levels. She is going to have to feel that she can depend on you totally. I'm really not sure how you can do this but to keep chipping away.<p>I haven't been much help but really wanted you to know that your post is being read. <p>The best of luck to you....<p>Fionn<p>

Fionn<p>Thank you for respnding to the post. I was beginning to think there was no help. I am having a ver difficult time dealing with the other men issue. I continuously tell myself she is not worth the effort.<p>I cannot get the feeling that I still love her out of my head. In one of my post I mentioned that I drove truck for four years, home one day, trying to get a degree, etc.. I was very depressed, all the time. I was lonley even when in the same bed with my wife. When my wife had her stroke in 96 I took time off to be with her. I looked for a different type of work where I could be home everyday. I went to a local temp agency. They had me take a dexterity test, I failed the test. I was not able to move fast enough, I believe because the arthritis has made my hands a bit stiff. I spent six months looking for work locally or within 60 miles, nothing.<p>When I started looking via the web in California, I got one response after another. I need to state that I only started lokking in California because my wife suggested. At the time I argued, that looking out here meant moving. She said "she would go where ever I was" ya right!<p>She would say things like, "You are not happy here, you are in pain all the time, the move might be better for you"<p>Everything she said was so logical, so together, like she was thinking very clearly. I now wonder if she was just trying to get rid of me. Kinda a like an old worn out pair of shoes.<p>Thank you for the response

Dan: You poor guy, on rereading some of your posts you sound like you are just getting beaten up emotionally.<p>Have you asked your wife straight out recently why she does not move. On a harsh note, maybe she is just being selfish and has things just the way she wants it right now, with her regular check and boyfriends. <p>I am totally opposed to adultery, I guess everyone is, but I would find it extremely difficult to forgive, again I have never been confronted with that situation so I don't know how I would react. It's really difficult to give anyone advice other than limited advise on this forum because we just do not know all that you have had to endure. However, there comes a time that after trying so hard and still no response, you have to think of yourself and your health, particularly your mental health.<p>Good luck to you. Hope someone responds that may have more personal experience in a situation similar to your own.<p>Fionn

Fionn<p>Thank you for again responding.<p>It is good to hear from someone. Yes, emotionally I am a wreck. I have asked my wife if she plans on coming out here. Her response "I just don't know". At times I think she is just leaving me hanging because she is afraid I will stop sending money, the her first husband did. Each time I call, she puts the little girls on. I love talking to them, but at the same time it tears me up because I am not with them. I don't think she does it ti hurt me. She needs help, but refuses to get it. She says she enjoys being in the area with her parents. Yet, she seldom sees or talks to them. I guess the adultery thing is easy for me to forgive because I did it once with my first wife. I am no better than she is. I honestly believe that people marry out of lust and there is no such thing as true love. As long as both parties never stray they will never be in lust with anyone else. I have tried and failed twice, I will not try for three.<p>I believe my marriage is over, I just wish she would be honest with me.<p>If anyone would care to email direct with advice that may save my marriage, or just words of understanding.<p>Thank you Fionn, you mentioned you had filed for divorce. Have you been able to turn it around? I know how hard it is to give up someone you care about greatly.<br>dgston@yahoo.com

How do I keep this up? I am coming a[art at the seams. I talked with my wife today as I do every Sunday. She said" I love you and I do miss you", yet she doesn't know about leaving Ohio. I can't take much more of this yo-yo thing. I am supposed to be happy in the new job, finishing school after 25 years. I am miserable without her, I can't get her out of my mind. She has cheated on me, lied to me, but I still love her.<p>Am I doomed to a life of misery? I should hate her for what she has done. I know I am being selfish but, ther comes a time. I am losing it, I don't want say anything that will remove love points because maybe I have made progress. I can't keep this up, I am giving and all she does is take and complain. Early this morning her daughter, my stepdaughter, returned from visiting the ex-grandparents in Kentucky and brought with her a puppy. Apparently, some kid was giving away the pups an this was the last one, if he could get rid of it, it would be put to sleep. My wife was angry becasue her daughter did not ask, just accepted the pup and brought home.<p>I guess I am to blame for this too. Since I at fault for everything else, why not?<p>HOW DO I KEEP THIS UP?

First off, I would suggest counselling for yourself. This beating yourself up is doing you no good. Get help to relieve some of the pain and to help sort out some of your thoughts.<p>Second, there is a book, called "How to get your lover back" by Blase Harris. I would suggest reading it. It not only explains how to get her back, it will also help you find out what happened. You can have it in your hands tomorrow if you order it from amazon.com. I did, and it is helping.<p>Just a couple of suggestions that will help some.

Thank you H.<p>I have put in for some assistance from the company I work for. I cannot afford any other assistance just now. I make too much for state assistance. They don't care how much you send home just what you gross.<p>I will check out the book. I can use all the help I can get.<p>I will better off in a couple of months, if I last that long.<p>Thank you again

Dear dgston,<br>I know how you are feeling. My husband of 10 years filed for divorce 3 months ago. It came as a complete shock to me. I thought that we had been getting along alot better. We have 2 girls together and it has been hard on them, but harder on me. He has moved out to his mothers house and comes by the house all of the time to see the girls and calls me all of the time. He says that he is afraid to come home, afraid that things will go back to the way that they were. We had just drited apart. Mostly on my part. I had had alot of things go on in my life in the past year and i was very depressed. I want my husband back very much. Our divorce was final on 11/19 and it has been very hard on me. He keeps giving me hints and signals that he is coming back and then he says something totaly different. I also feel like i am on a rollercoaster. I am willing to do anything that i have to to get my husband back. He keeps telling me just to give him space and to be patient with him. and that if he sees that things have really changed and he wants to come back he will. I found out that he has been talking to a woman for the past 4 months. He says that they are ust friends and that he can talk to her because she is going through a divorce also. She is 14 years older than he is. I can try and deal with him being gone and wait to see if he really wants to come back, but him and this woman is eating me alive. People tell me to get over it and get on with my life. It is not that easy whenyou love someone so much. I have also had my family tell me that they know how I am feeling and they do not. They have never been through or felt what I am feeling. Really my family has distanced themselves from me becuase I have told them that i would take him back anytime. So i think that i have some idea what you are going through. If you are like me you feel confused and dont know what to do. Right now all that I can say is hang in there and if it is meant to be then it will be.<br>angel

Dan,<p>I hear the pain in your posts and I know it is intense. In my own case I have found that only time, prayer and making positive efforts to help yourself (though you're tripping over your guts) make a difference.<br>When my wife first spilled out all the resentments she had against me I hated myself. I kept thinking how could I have done this to someone I love so much. I didn't do any of it intentionally but it still hurt her all the same. For a while all I was doing was beating myself up inwardly.<br>But there comes a time when that just has to stop. We are flawed human beings. In no way is that an excuse for anything, but it does mean that we make serious mistakes. One of the things this forum has showed me is that my mistakes aren't unique to me, that I'm not screwed up because "Bruce" is just an inherently screwed up guy. I've fallen into what I now see is a very common failing. That helps because it lets me know I don't have to overcome some exotic disease unique to me, but a common human failing.<br>You made the decision to go to California for better work and your wife supported that. It made sense for you to do it. Don't beat yourself up over a decision that made sense and had good motivations behind it. <br>I worked as a pharmacy technician for almost 15 years. I wasn't in the job many years before I knew I didn't want to stay in it. But after a certain time I had kids and bills to pay, not to mention not knowing exactly what I wanted to do. I didn't have the luxury of just quiting to "find myself" or go to school. But in 1995 I had built up so much resentment inside because I wasn't making enough money to support my family properly and I knew I had abilities I wasn't using. I went to employeee assistance and, after several sessions, the guy flat out told me that I'd better leave this job or the resentment would eat me alive.<br>I made the decision to step out and get a job in a computer store based strictly on a correspondance course I took. I lost that job after only 6 weeks. After that it was a struggle to find computer related work because I still didn't have much experience. Between 1995 and 1998 I took whatever jobs I could get, and initially some of them had little or nothing to do with computers.<br>At first I kicked myself because I had to take many steps backwards, and at least I had a steady paycheck with the hospital.<br>But now that I am fairly well established as a computer technician I am so glad I did it. I like my work, it is challenging and there is always something to learn and apply. It is a night and day difference between this and my old job. Not only that but I make more money and am looking to earn more.<br>My point being that at first I felt like I made the wrong decision because it caused a lot of turmoil at home. But if I had stayed at the old job I don't think I'd be married right now. I would have self-destructed.<br>So if you made a decision in good faith and with good motivations you have no reason at all to feel bad about that.

Dan,<p>I hear the pain in your posts and I know it is intense. In my own case I have found that only time, prayer and making positive efforts to help yourself (though you're tripping over your guts) make a difference.<br>When my wife first spilled out all the resentments she had against me I hated myself. I kept thinking how could I have done this to someone I love so much. I didn't do any of it intentionally but it still hurt her all the same. For a while all I was doing was beating myself up inwardly.<br>But there comes a time when that just has to stop. We are flawed human beings. In no way is that an excuse for anything, but it does mean that we make serious mistakes. One of the things this forum has showed me is that my mistakes aren't unique to me, that I'm not screwed up because "Bruce" is just an inherently screwed up guy. I've fallen into what I now see is a very common failing. That helps because it lets me know I don't have to overcome some exotic disease unique to me, but a common human failing.<br>You made the decision to go to California for better work and your wife supported that. It made sense for you to do it. Don't beat yourself up over a decision that made sense and had good motivations behind it. <br>I worked as a pharmacy technician for almost 15 years. I wasn't in the job many years before I knew I didn't want to stay in it. But after a certain time I had kids and bills to pay, not to mention not knowing exactly what I wanted to do. I didn't have the luxury of just quiting to "find myself" or go to school. But in 1995 I had built up so much resentment inside because I wasn't making enough money to support my family properly and I knew I had abilities I wasn't using. I went to employeee assistance and, after several sessions, the guy flat out told me that I'd better leave this job or the resentment would eat me alive.<br>I made the decision to step out and get a job in a computer store based strictly on a correspondance course I took. I lost that job after only 6 weeks. After that it was a struggle to find computer related work because I still didn't have much experience. Between 1995 and 1998 I took whatever jobs I could get, and initially some of them had little or nothing to do with computers.<br>At first I kicked myself because I had to take many steps backwards, and at least I had a steady paycheck with the hospital.<br>But now that I am fairly well established as a computer technician I am so glad I did it. I like my work, it is challenging and there is always something to learn and apply. It is a night and day difference between this and my old job. Not only that but I make more money and am looking to earn more.<br>My point being that at first I felt like I made the wrong decision because it caused a lot of turmoil at home. But if I had stayed at the old job I don't think I'd be married right now. I would have self-destructed.<br>So if you made a decision in good faith and with good motivations you have no reason at all to feel bad about that.

Angela, Bruce<p>Thank you both, it makes me feel a little better to know I am not alone.<p>Yes, Angela I believe you do know how I feel.<p>Bruce expressed it too. The tripping over my guts part. Your insides are all torn up, which way to turn. Did I make a mistake in the decision to leave Ohio. I have asked these questions over and over, cried myself to sleep onlty to wake up an hour later. I am tired almost to the point of exhaustion, but I am hanging in there.<p>I figured the pain would get easier with time, Wrong Answer. The more time that goes by the miserable I become.<p>When I was driving truck and living a 24 tablet bottle of Advil per day, I was in bad shape. The weather in Ohio did not agree with the arthristis, no jobs locally. This is why my wife stated, I should try California, since it is my native state. I hesitated for three months thinking about it looking for work in the local area. No work anywhere, that I could do, without dexterity in my hands I was not very good for assembly and that is all there is in the area. With 12 years computer experience and no degree, I figured my chances in California would be slim to none. I put out 200 resumes to her alone, I received 97 responses. Of these 31 were asking me to call, I did and got 17 interviews if I came to California at my own expense. When I talked to my wife, she says "You should go, you are miserable here and not finding work. You will not be happy unless you get a job working with computers." I called the agencies, setup the interviews, when I get here I found out that they do not any jobs for currently. I spent 3 months attending interviews and submitting resumes. Jus when I was ready to call it quits, I get a call from one the original agencies and got a position with the phone company, which got me in the door and led to my current position. I like this job and do not want to give it up.<p>Anyway, I was the happiest man alive, I emailed my wife, because she was not home when I called. The email was going to a guy she knew, she said that he was honest and would tell her about all the mail. With my head not too clear, I believed her and emailed this jerk for three months. My wife only received a few letters, I sent one every night. I send the email, happy as a lark, only to get letter from another guy that she was sleeping with. I come unglued, another mistake, I then find out according to the jerk mentioned earlier that she had been with 4 guys that he knew of. <p>Even after all this. I still LOVE HER. I ask myself why, no answer. I understand completely what it is to your guts ripped out and stomped on, then try to recover. Go on with my life, Angela that is nearly impossible, I know. You find the one person that you believe is forever and then it falls apart. You are left with this emptiness of the vast universe where you heart used to be. What to do. I haven't a clue. I just try day to day to keep my sanity, pray and try to go on.<p>It is so good to know I am not alone. Angela, my prayers are with you. Bruce I hope it all works out for you.

dear dgston<br>just read your response. I know exactly how you feel about still loving someone and then wondering why you do. When my husband filed and then left i did not know what to do. I really did not want to go on. I still have alot of days like that. The only thing right now that is keeping me going is the hope that he will come back and my girls. There is an empty feeling that you hope will go away but right now you think that it will not. It is very hard for me to try and work and take care of my girls and not break down all of the time. It seems that the hardest times for me is of an evening and on the weekends. Of an evening i guess that i am used to him being there and on the weekends i just feel like i am going to go crazy. I hate for me and my girls to come home to an empty house everyday. My prayers are with you also. good luck<p>Angel

Dan,<br>No advice here, just wanted you to know that you are not alone in any of this. Although our situations are very different, the despair we feel at times is not. We are all living with a sense of hopelessness, which is almost overwhelming until we get a small feeling of victory in our struggles. And then we start all over!!<p>Who and Why we love are irrational, unaswerable questions. Love just happens. Unfortunately, love can just un-happen too. Maybe that can fortunate sometimes.....maybe it would be fortunate for you.<p>Have you tried counseling? If this is something out of your affordability, then try to find a minister or paster to talk with. <p>Another thought, how about trying to go on a date? Have you been out at all in the last 20 months? I am not saying "an eye for an eye", but feeling attractive to a member of the opposite sex and practicing courtliness to a woman may be good just for your ego. We all need to feel good and worthy of someones affection. No one says a date during separation is the end of a marriage - maybe it can just help you feel better about yourself.<p>Good luck, and enjoy as much of the wonder of holidays as you can. Keep us posted.<p>Maria

Hi Dan: How are you doing? I went away for a while as I felt I needed a break with my own situation and was both pleased to receive your response to me and saddened to read your own responses to others who have written to your post. The main thing that struck me is that you have to gain some strength for yourself. I was going around thinking about my situation day and night and last week I didn't sleep for three straight nights. It's hard enough having to cope without trying to cope when you are exhausted. With prayer, this forum, reading a lot on the subject and the support and regular calls from people I didn't even know cared, I am getting stronger. Every time I feel weak I just ask a higher power to give me the strength to cope and it works. Even if it is multiple times throughout the day. Also, I don't know if you drink, but one thing my husband used to always say is that no-one should ever drink when they have troubles in their lives and it is so true. It may help right at the time but not for long! Another major contributing factor, besides my optimistic attitude (even in the face of being told by my husband that although he is not in a hurry to get a divorce, he "doesn't want to have anything to do with me" which is pretty harsh, cold, hurtful and was said with a lot of anger)is that I have decided to get on with things as much as I can, little by little. Yesterday I was at a University where I am checking into the possibilities of going back to school. I am also going to start my own business in the next few weeks and may travel to El Salvador to help the needy for a month. It's hard to do this. I have to though and I am at the stage whereby if I don't work on myself I'm not going to be any good to anyone. No-one wants to hear their crying spouse on the other end of the phone. I'm not implying for one minute that you are like that, but I have been somewhat. I have also been Ms. Chirpy 1999 and have been told when I asked my H to go for a walk that he didn't want to go for a walk with someone as chirpy as me. You can't win sometimes. Anyway the point is, work on yourself, your strenght, your self esteem. Love yourself, develop a good self image. Try whatever way you can to get some counselling. Where I live you can go to Community Services and they only charge as little as $25 per one hour visit and no more than may be $60. You can also go to them with health insurance. Do you have any insurance that might cover this? Don't feel that going to community services is beneath you, I did initially but was absolutely delighted with the quality of the counselling I received. Check it out, it's a tremendous source of support.<p>By the way, I don't know about the last post encouraging a date. Yes, it would be good for your self esteem and we all love when we know someone is attracted to us. However, don't put temptation in your way, because everything that you have espoused to your wife in the past will go in a puff of smoke if you play her at her own game. Plus, I don't believe in the long run you will feel good about it. Quite the opposite I'll bet!! I think I read that you had strayed on a previous wife/girlfriend, anyway, so you know what that is like, right!<p>Take good care of yourself and hang in there. Please check out the community services in your area, you may be surprised!!<p>Fionn