Hello CJ,
<p>I've been away trying to see what I can make of your dream. In the mean time, it seems as if your problem has not gone away. I've noticed your other posts in the "Infidelity" forum, and thank you for your comments.
<br>I mentioned before that you are doing the right thing in trying to adapt to your situation in your marriage. Your recent comments in the other forum have given me the impression that you're losing hope. I get the impression that you feel powerless and have no influence with your husband, that his mental attacks are wearing you down.
<br>Don't lose hope, CJ. I agree with the comments Carol made about not giving in to your husband's judgemental remarks. You need to determine what behaviours you can accept from your husband, and what behaviours you will NOT accept from your husband. Understandably that takes strength, esp. if you feel like a foreigner in a foreign town. Is there anyone at the church you're going to, that you truly feel comfortable confiding in? Someone once said,
<br>"God grant me the courage to change the things that I can change, the peace to accept that which I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference."
<br>CJ, you can change your attitude. We all have the ability to control our own attitudes, our own responses to what happens to us. CJ, do you feel a dependence on your husband? Does your husband depend on you?
<br>Sometimes, an unhappy marriage becomes a war of wills. By that I mean that each spouse competes, argues, and fights for his/her way.
<br>Have you ever asked your husband to describe his own marriage, the good, the bad, and the ugly? Then tell him where you disagree, and why you disagree. Have you ever expressed your unhappiness to your husband? Is he bothered by it? Why do you satisfy his need for sex so easily when he does not satisfy your own emotional needs?
<br>Again, your first priority HAS to be to your own self-esteem, your own love of yourself. Bear in mind that I'm not trying to suggest an "eye for an eye", "tit for tat" mentality. However, you deserve to feel value about yourself. Do not allow yourself to be hurt like that. That has to be the first step. Believe in that.
<br>Do you want to do something about your situation? Do you **believe** that something can be done to improve your situation?
<br>One possible way out of this war of wills, and his mental attacks upon you is to look for ways to build inter-dependence. When two spouses depend on each other, there won't be any room for one to win, and the other to lose. Have the two of you ever thought about saving for a family vacation?
<br>These are all just possible ideas.
<br>As for your dream, well, I'm just as perplexed as you are as to how the book of Malachi relates to your current situation. Malachi talks about the unfaithfulness of the Israelites: unfaithful in their marriages, in their tithing, in their arrogance, etc. Through all this, the promise of forgiveness, and a restored relationship with God is offered.
<br>What do you think your dream could be saying to you?
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Hello CJ,
<p>More often than not, honesty, genuine, and open honesty with thoughts and feelings opens the main door to intimacy. Maybe that's one possible reason behind this. I must admit that it is intriguing and refreshing to be able to talk to someone at this deep a level without any hang ups, no walls, no masks. I also get tempted as well. But I do want to see you in a happy marriage, so maybe that's why I keep having conversation with you.
<br>Even if your husband isn't demanding, he does slip in the critical remark, and no matter how you try to hide it under the rug, his judgemental remarks about you do affect you. Let him know that, and also when you do feel happy. Hopefully, he'll start to clue in. Pray for that to happen.
<br>There's this other girl that I knew at church, and I think we were mutually attracted to each other, but we would never say it. Things were going great, we would talk to each other about more and more personal things. Then one time, she shared about how this guy was ignoring how she felt about certain things. I told her don't get so upset, it's no big deal. She then got real annoyed at me. Only afterwards did I figure out why she was annoyed at me. It was because I dimissed her feelings.
<br>When I say interdependence, it's not so much relying on each other for personal happiness, but more needing each other do their own part in working towards some common purpose/goal. Loosely translated: what can we do as a team?
<br>Take ballroom dancing for instance. Some of the better ballroom dance couples look real graceful, natural, smooth, and stylish when they are doing their dance. But that takes a lot of work and practice, and obviously, that grace and style cannot be achieved by one partner alone.
<br>My own personal theory is that by working **together** to accomplish something, it will help to tackle other areas of married life.
<br>Yes, it's just theory right now, but what I've often found is that I pray to God about these things, and leave it up to him to reveal what He wants me to do.
<br>Does changing our own attitudes and behaviours solve the problem? Hmm... that's a complex question. I do know that attitude is everything, and it is one thing that we can control. But if the problem involves another person, then that makes it complex. I'll have to think about this one.
<br>What's been happening with my life? Well, I broke up with my girlfriend. What it came down to was that she just wasn't at my emotional or intellectual level. I'm not saying that she's dumb or I'm smart, but without that emotional and intellectual level, its hard to maintain a long lasting and intimate relationship.
<br>We haven't talked for almost two weeks now. I miss all those qualities about her, and like you said, I'm not sure if I could find another girl like that. However, our difference in personalities and needs were too great to overcome.
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