I'm in despair! I've been posting previously under 'Other Topics'. My husband no longer loves me, but is willing to go to counselling, and try and work on rebuilding the relationship. On Monday, he said he nearly got to the point where he felt like walking out, and finishing it for good, without wasting anymore time on counselling. He says because I am depressed (he says I am enjoying the self pity) it is making his life unbearable. Last week I did make a positive effort to act happier (even though the sadness was still there), but it only lasted a few days.
<p>The problem started when he started getting phone calls from a woman he met in Canada (we live in England). He returned from a business trip 2 weeks ago, and the day after he returned he got a phone call from her. The call came through on his mobile, and I must admit I did react badly. I started following him around the house asking who is it? Is it another woman? The reason I immediately assumed this was the tone of voice he was using. He said it was a woman he met in Canada, he had only known her a week, and they got on really well. She was just a friend. I asked if he was attracted to her. He admitted he was, but that she is several thousand miles away, and he has 'made a positive decision' (his words) not to get involved with any one else while we are trying to work on our problems. The following day I found out that he had called her again, and we had the same argument as before. He then said that she was someone he could confide in, she was like an independent 3rd person, and it was safe because she was so far away.
<br>A couple of days later, by accident, I found her home phone number on an old telephone bill he had spoken to her for an hour in July. I asked why he had lied to me, but he said that he couldn't tell me because of the way I would react. He pointed out to me that if there was anything going on, he would have called her more than once. They met through a mutual friend in July, and when they met again last month (again through the mutual friend), she asked him how things were, and he told her about our problems.
<br>She has rung a few times since then, and every time, he says I react badly, even though I try to hide it. He says that he can see the fear and panic in my face every time the phone rings, and he goes upstairs to take the call, so that I can't overhear. He says that he is so worried that I will overhear something and misinterpret it. Things came to a head on Sunday. She called again, and I was upset again. On Monday, I called him at work (we work for the same company) and asked him to meet me in the staff coffee lounge. I asked him again if there was anything going on. He got angry, and said 'i've answered this question before'. I said I couldn't ask him to stop talking to her, because that wouldn't be fair on him. We talked for about 20 minutes, and then went back to our offices. I was feeling more positive. Then later on that afternoon he sent me an email, saying that he had emailed her, asking her not to call anymore, as it was upsetting me too much. When we got home, we had an argument, I said he shouldn't have sent the email, and reminded him of what I said that morning. He said I was saying one thing, but my actions were saying another. He said I was selfish, and that I had taken away the only person he could talk to. He said it was the only thing he could think of to do, to make things better, as it was getting so unbearable. He had been coming close to walking out and finishing altogether (even though I am moving out in a couple of weeks). He said that he felt better after he had talked to her, and that was the reason why he came back from Canada feeling so positive about our chances of working things out. We talked some more, and I am again trying to act happier and more positive, but it is a constant battle to keep the depression at bay. We have agreed that he will leave it a few days and call his friend again. I do believe that she is just someone to talk to, but I can't help feeling threatened. I need to find a way to cope with this but I'm scared of reacting the way I did before, and starting on the downward spiral again. Does anyone have any suggestions?
<br>I thought about going and doing something, like exercising to keep my mind off it.
<br>I do feel better after venting my feelings like this. Thanks for listening.

Exercise is good, but if you really think you're suffering from depression, you should go to your doctor and perhaps begin some form of treatment for it. You are pretty lucky that your husband is so willing to go for counseling in hopes of saving your relationship.
<p>
<br>I've been in the same boat, but my husband has actually been seeing someone else for nearly two years and I have just found out about it. He is in the process of moving out, says he still cares for me, but thinks that our relationship has no chance. There are many other issues, many related to my behavior, actions and inactions while depressed and I am devastated. But I have begun treatment for depression recently and he and I are scheduled for counseling on Thursday morning - bad thing is that he doesn't think that counseling will help at all and thinks counselors just take people's money ... I am truly hoping that he will come around and see that our 12 year relationship (9 years married) is too valuable to simply throw away.
<p>As to your situation, again I would urge you to see your doctor - tell him of your situation and your depression. Exercise is excellent, and from what I have read will enhance any effects of depression treatment, but may not do the trick by itself in your current situation).
<p>Best wishes to you ...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I can tell you is I understand the pain you are going through.
<br>
<br>I am sort of going through the same thing. I have been previously posting on Wife is not sure she wants to be married (and II). My wife has a male friend from school that she talks to. Like you, I don't think it is appropriate for me to tell her not to talk to him. However, she knows I don't like it. It bothers me, because she knows how I feel about it but told him it was ok to call. I know if the roles were reversed, I would respect her feelings and not have a female calling my home.
<br>In my situation, this guy seems to call when I am not home. it makes me feel like there is something more to it than meets the eye. If things were going better at home, it probably wouldn't bother me as bad. Yesterday, I got home and the phone rang. As soon as I answered, the person hanged up. I immediately, hit *69 (to see who called). The telephone system said the person that called had a private number, but hit 1 to call the person back. I did it and low and behold, I got this male friend's answering machine. By him hanging up, it is like he is hiding something. My wife had told me that he was a very nervous person - and is afraid to call when I am around. The question that keeps coming to my mind is WHY? Is he nervous because, he knows it is inappropriate to call a married woman.
<br>I don't feel it is appropriate for a married person to be calling/receiving phone calls from a person of the opposite sex. You might say that I am old fashion - however, I think there could be trouble. It might be totally innocent but it something could happen. Why flirt with trouble?
<br>I felt totally overwhelmed like you described in your post.
<br>I want to let her know, what he did and how it made me feel. However, I realized it might do more harm than good. She already feels like I have been hovering over her. I know if I confronted her with this - It would probably just piss her off!
<p>What we have to do is quit resisting our feelings. We need to accept that we could lose our spouse and that if we did we would survive. We don't have to like the thought of losing our spouse. We can also do everything in our power to make them want to stay. However, we can't make them be happy. They have to discover that for themselves.
<p>I have recently started therapy. She told me if I push to hard - my fears might come true.
<p>I know it is easier said than done! I haven't been able to handle my situation very good. But, I am trying to find the strength!
<p>Take care and good luck.
<p>

I dont think it is at all unreasonable to ask your spouse to cut all contact with this other person and if he loves you and respects your feelings he will give her up without hesitation; after all it is making you literally sick. Read what Dr Harley says about this on this website.

Terri,
<p>I have already spoken to my doctor, and he says he doesn't think I am truly depressed, that I am just having a normal reaction to my situation. I thought about doing the exercise when she calls, because I would be doing something positive for me, instead of sitting there fretting, and worrying about what they are talking about.
<p>Kenw,
<br>You are right, the more we try to cling on, the more we are pushing them away. That's why it's a constant battle to keep ourselves under control. I think for the moment I have to accept that he needs to speak to this woman. It hurts me to know that he is speaking to her, and he knows this, and this hurts him. However, I know that it would hurt us both more if I forced him to give up talking to her. He would have no one to talk to and would resent me for stopping him.
<br>I've recently started to go to assertiveness training. One of the things the teacher said was that if a particular situation makes us angry or upset, we can make a decision to change the way we react. It's not going to be easy but I'm going to try.
<br>Bev