I guess my question should be "What do I hope For?". My wife told me about four months ago that she just didn't see herself staying with me anymore. She said she's been unhappy for a long time, which came as a complete surprise to me. She said I just did'nt notice she was unhappy. She said she's just been pretending to be happy. How was I going to notice if she was pretending. I will admit that at times I wasn't always happy, but it was not that often. About one month went by and she appeared to be trying to stay. Sex was very unattached however. Finally, on the first day of our summer vacation in July she told me she just doesn't love me anymore. This came from a lady who told me she loved me atleast once a day. I always said it to her also. She said she feels smothered by me. I was trying to be more affectionate with her and trying to serve her, meet her needs, etc... She said she that divorce is a definite option for her, even if it wasn't a good one. She said she hoped it can work out, but she just won't give any guarantees. She said she didn't want any counseling, books, tapes, nothing. She said she wants to make this decision on her own. She said she's tired of being everything to everybody all the time. She wants to get out more, do more things, experience more. She never used to go out with friends. Now that's all she wants to do. She's changed her whole wardrobe, changed her hair style, listens to more pop music, and acts like a high school student. She's 33 years old, we have an 8 year old and a 4 year old. We dated 5 years before we got married, and we had our 10th anniversary in July. She works only 3 days a week (20 hours). She said she feels appreciated and wanted at work and that's all it seams she lives for. She said she never felt appreciated before. She was also a person that never really wanted to communicate her feelings toward things. She knows that half of our problem, now, is that she never said things to me about how she was feeling. We've always had a lot of fun together through all our years. To others we always seamed to be the perfect couple. I even felt that. I know how much she used to love me (it was always never in doubt). She used to tell me how afraid she was to ever loose me. Now, as we've progressed through this process everything has gotten 10x worse. She said it would just take time to change. She never did anything to change it however. About three months ago I also found out that she's been talking to this married man at work. She say's he understands her. She says it's just a real good friend. She spends each night writing to him on the computer. She see's him at work, even goes to lunches with him. I know everybody is going to tell me that she is having an affair. I know she is at the very least having an emotional affair. However, I don't feel there is anything sexual. She just won't stop talking to him. He's also married, has two kids, and one on the way (and having marriage problems of his own). What a mess. Finally things have gotten so bad that she said she's finally going to a counselor. She said she feels like she's going to have a nervous breakdown. I have tried to remain patient and loving through all of this. She never wants to talk about our problems. She has gotten to the point where she barely even talks to me anymore. She doesn't want to go out anywhere with me, dosen't want to make plans with me, nothing. Our kids are also stressed out. They see the way mommy is acting towards daddy and it scares them. All of this from a woman who always was my best friend and partner. She has told me she's very insecure with herself. She doesn't think she should go through life like "June Clever" anymore. She also has a new group of friends at work that are al around 26 - 27 years old and unmarried. She's obviuosly thinking about all the things she thinks she's missed out on. She's always been such a caring, loving, happy person. She still acts this way around others, but never around me anymore. All of her recent Changes just blow me away. I've been told that she may be experiencing a mid-life crisis; unsure of her future. We have not made love for 3 months, and now for the past month we've been sleeping in different beds. She won't change in front of me anymore. She says she's just uncomfortable around me now. She says I have ruined everything (by me asking about her male friend and digging into what I think might be destrying our marriage.). I don't trust her anymore, and she say's she doesn't trust me (I don't know what about). She say's she's afraid to be honest with me for fear that I might get mad. This situation just seams to be deteriorating daily I know that it is basically out of my control. She says she going to the counselor to help her decide what she needs to do. She's now been to 2 sessions and say's she like it. She said she will continue to go also. I, however, have noticed no changes after these sessions. Actaully it feels like she's creating even more distance between us. She hasn't physically left the house, but she has emotionally. She says all we are doing right know is just existing. I asked if she could atleast start to be more friendly. She said there's nothing to start. Deep down I feel she still might want to work this out. She has told me she feels she's in a hopless situation, that she doesn't think anything is going to change her mind. This was before counseling. She doesn't tell me anything about her sessions, and I don't ask. I've been going to counseling for about 2 months now myself. I'm so glad she decided to go. Atleast I feel now that she is doing something. She has a therapist with a good reputation and 20 years experience. She's a pretty woman, but the effects of this have taken there toll on her. She once had beautiful, clear, skin. Now she is constsntly breaking out with blemishes. She's lost about 12 pounds (as I've lost about 20). Each day I just feel there's no end in sight. I can't belive she really wants to give all this up. She's just very confused about what she is and what she does want... she just doesn't know how to figure it out. I know it's going to take a while to change (it does). She's told her older sister that she thinks the counseling will help her. My question is what should I expect from her counseling? When should I see some type of change? Could she have possibly gone to a counselor to try and learn what she needs to do to be by herself? How often does counseling, even though we don't go to the same one, help in healing a marriage? I know she's told me she can't even begin to work on a marriage until she gets herself right. Will we ever get to this point? She thinks we've change to much. She said her feelings have change towards me. I'm not an abuser, alcoholic, drug addict, absent father, etc... I make a good living and she basically has everything she needs materially. She's told me I'm a great guy, wonderful father, and a good provider. She says I just wasn't there when I needed her. I don't even know when, or what it was. I just don't know what I've done wrong (she will not tell me). Can ime and counseling bring our marriage back, and maybe even one day make it stronger? Can counseling help her re-discover what she might be throwing away? Everyone tells me they don't fell she really wants to get a divorce, and that someday, if I'm patient, it will all return. The pain, however is so intense. I feel so alone and helpless. I love her so much I can't even put it into words. I miss her and want her back in my life. Can anyone please offer me some encouragement and hope. I seam to run dry of hope almost daily. I use friends and family to help me stay focused and hopeful. This just isn;t my wife. What might I expect from all this? I know prayers are powerful, but I'm beginning to loose hope that they will be answered. I know GOD's time and my time are different. I just wish I could get some encouragement from her that she wants to stay with me. I'll be wainting for her when she returns. Love to all!

H Dan,
<p>The fact that she is getting counseling is a good sign. You ask what you can expect. I wish I could tell you but the truth is you can not expect anything. Give your wife some time. Keep doing the little things for her but don't try to smother her. It seems to be a common theme lately for wives to be going through this. Don't give up hope. I believe that with help (which she is getting) that she will come around and see what she has. It is so easy now to see what we don't have. Some missed being single and what they think was a good time. Some feel that they don't get the chance to use their intellect. Some feel that they have been held back by family and responsibilities. I think these are normal feelings but how someone handles them differs as much as fingerprints. Love her, stand by her, and let her know that you will always be there for her but give her the space and time that she needs. The hardest thing to do is give them the space and time they need but if you force or push then most often you don't get the results you want. Its like the saying, If you let a bird go and it comes back it is your forever, If it stays away it was never yours to begin with. (or something like that ). Just know that you are not alone. Many of us here find hope and comfort and vent just as well. If you find you are losing hope, come here and vent and release for we are all here to help and encourage you. Good Luck. I will remember you in my prayers.
<p>Steph

Dan,
<br>If you have the time, read the threads on Wife does not want to be married. Both. You can see this is remarkably similar to several of us here. Almost exactly for me. My wife hid her unhappyness for over a year. Therapy takes time. It's good that you are in therapy too. It has helped me come to grips with what is happening.
<br>Just try to keep communicating to her how much you love her. I can't tell you more than this. Also, take care of yourself. Eat. Go out with YOUR friends. Play sports. Get more involved with your kids. Not only will it get your mind off this, but activity is a great stress reliever.
<br>Stick around this board, and feel free to vent. It helps a lot.
<br>We all know what you're going through. We are trying to help each other out.
<br>Best of luck.

Dan, my friend. It seems you are another version of the rest of us here. If you've read the other posts you know that intense pain comes with this territory. So far I haven't handled it well.
<br>I'm not the one to give much advice because I'm just beginning to learn how to navigate this nightmare myself. But I'm trying to do just that - learn. Despite the pain, if we can learn what to do and do it from the heart, we just might make it through this thing with our families intact. The thought of just how strong that bond will be if indeed we do make is something that helps me through. Whatever it takes for you, hang in there. Cry or vent when you have to. Cherish the good days for it seems that you can bank on this being what we've called a roller coaster ride.
<br>Take it a day at a time and try and forgive yourself. I'm another cluless male who didn't have a clue as to what his wife was feeling. But, from what you describe, I had more clues than you did and I still screwed it up.
<br>Keep in contact and take care.

I am going to add my voice to the crowd. It does seem like a lot of us are dealing with a very similar problem. Each has its own causes, and we all blame ourselves. it is only natural. As another husband who feels like he was living on a different planet from earth for the last year of our relationship, I can sympathize. I feel the problem that led most of us here is communication and control. I hink that one common thread through these threads is that our wives, or husbands in some cases, feel like they have not lived their life the way they have chosen. Go back to the principles on the web site and read the section on Control in a relationship. Most of our relationships were and are interdependant relationships, where each spouse was dependant on the other. The common theme here seems to be that when problems arise, our spouses feel that they have been controlled by us, and wronged by that control. And on top of those feelings that they have been going through, and it seems to take about a year or so of those feelings to cause this kind of damage, we were unable to communicate and find out what our spouses were going through. Now the tables are turned, and they have taken the control of the relationship. It lives or dies, and it is their choice, not ours. We are scurrying around trying to fix things, and we finally realize what our spouses have been going through. It doesnt matter what your intentions were, or if you even knew you were doing it, the power now lies with them. Sooo .... do everythng you can to show her th you can make her happy again. Watch out you dont smother her, but dont let her withdraw too far either. It is a fine line. But also realize, that that this is in their ballpark now, and you can do what you can, but you also have to realize you may need to deal with the possibility that she will choose otherwise. Do as the rest of us do, focus on the positive, try to shy away from confrontations and arguments, do everything you can to make deposits in the ways that matter to her. Remember, what got us into this place was doing the things that we felt were important, not that she felt was important. Also be prepared for her to doubt your resolve to change and be the husband she wants, stick with it and prove to her you are the person she fell in love with, and that she can do it again. You met her needs once, and you can do it again.