I guess my question should be "What do I hope For?". My wife told me about four months ago that she just didn't see herself staying with me anymore. She said she's been unhappy for a long time, which came as a complete surprise to me. She said I just did'nt notice she was unhappy. She said she's just been pretending to be happy. How was I going to notice if she was pretending. I will admit that at times I wasn't always happy, but it was not that often. About one month went by and she appeared to be trying to stay. Sex was very unattached however. Finally, on the first day of our summer vacation in July she told me she just doesn't love me anymore. This came from a lady who told me she loved me atleast once a day. I always said it to her also. She said she feels smothered by me. I was trying to be more affectionate with her and trying to serve her, meet her needs, etc... She said she that divorce is a definite option for her, even if it wasn't a good one. She said she hoped it can work out, but she just won't give any guarantees. She said she didn't want any counseling, books, tapes, nothing. She said she wants to make this decision on her own. She said she's tired of being everything to everybody all the time. She wants to get out more, do more things, experience more. She never used to go out with friends. Now that's all she wants to do. She's changed her whole wardrobe, changed her hair style, listens to more pop music, and acts like a high school student. She's 33 years old, we have an 8 year old and a 4 year old. We dated 5 years before we got married, and we had our 10th anniversary in July. She works only 3 days a week (20 hours). She said she feels appreciated and wanted at work and that's all it seams she lives for. She said she never felt appreciated before. She was also a person that never really wanted to communicate her feelings toward things. She knows that half of our problem, now, is that she never said things to me about how she was feeling. We've always had a lot of fun together through all our years. To others we always seamed to be the perfect couple. I even felt that. I know how much she used to love me (it was always never in doubt). She used to tell me how afraid she was to ever loose me. Now, as we've progressed through this process everything has gotten 10x worse. She said it would just take time to change. She never did anything to change it however. About three months ago I also found out that she's been talking to this married man at work. She say's he understands her. She says it's just a real good friend. She spends each night writing to him on the computer. She see's him at work, even goes to lunches with him. I know everybody is going to tell me that she is having an affair. I know she is at the very least having an emotional affair. However, I don't feel there is anything sexual. She just won't stop talking to him. He's also married, has two kids, and one on the way (and having marriage problems of his own). What a mess. Finally things have gotten so bad that she said she's finally going to a counselor. She said she feels like she's going to have a nervous breakdown. I have tried to remain patient and loving through all of this. She never wants to talk about our problems. She has gotten to the point where she barely even talks to me anymore. She doesn't want to go out anywhere with me, dosen't want to make plans with me, nothing. Our kids are also stressed out. They see the way mommy is acting towards daddy and it scares them. All of this from a woman who always was my best friend and partner. She has told me she's very insecure with herself. She doesn't think she should go through life like "June Clever" anymore. She also has a new group of friends at work that are al around 26 - 27 years old and unmarried. She's obviuosly thinking about all the things she thinks she's missed out on. She's always been such a caring, loving, happy person. She still acts this way around others, but never around me anymore. All of her recent Changes just blow me away. I've been told that she may be experiencing a mid-life crisis; unsure of her future. We have not made love for 3 months, and now for the past month we've been sleeping in different beds. She won't change in front of me anymore. She says she's just uncomfortable around me now. She says I have ruined everything (by me asking about her male friend and digging into what I think might be destrying our marriage.). I don't trust her anymore, and she say's she doesn't trust me (I don't know what about). She say's she's afraid to be honest with me for fear that I might get mad. This situation just seams to be deteriorating daily I know that it is basically out of my control. She says she going to the counselor to help her decide what she needs to do. She's now been to 2 sessions and say's she like it. She said she will continue to go also. I, however, have noticed no changes after these sessions. Actaully it feels like she's creating even more distance between us. She hasn't physically left the house, but she has emotionally. She says all we are doing right know is just existing. I asked if she could atleast start to be more friendly. She said there's nothing to start. Deep down I feel she still might want to work this out. She has told me she feels she's in a hopless situation, that she doesn't think anything is going to change her mind. This was before counseling. She doesn't tell me anything about her sessions, and I don't ask. I've been going to counseling for about 2 months now myself. I'm so glad she decided to go. Atleast I feel now that she is doing something. She has a therapist with a good reputation and 20 years experience. She's a pretty woman, but the effects of this have taken there toll on her. She once had beautiful, clear, skin. Now she is constsntly breaking out with blemishes. She's lost about 12 pounds (as I've lost about 20). Each day I just feel there's no end in sight. I can't belive she really wants to give all this up. She's just very confused about what she is and what she does want... she just doesn't know how to figure it out. I know it's going to take a while to change (it does). She's told her older sister that she thinks the counseling will help her. My question is what should I expect from her counseling? When should I see some type of change? Could she have possibly gone to a counselor to try and learn what she needs to do to be by herself? How often does counseling, even though we don't go to the same one, help in healing a marriage? I know she's told me she can't even begin to work on a marriage until she gets herself right. Will we ever get to this point? She thinks we've change to much. She said her feelings have change towards me. I'm not an abuser, alcoholic, drug addict, absent father, etc... I make a good living and she basically has everything she needs materially. She's told me I'm a great guy, wonderful father, and a good provider. She says I just wasn't there when I needed her. I don't even know when, or what it was. I just don't know what I've done wrong (she will not tell me). Can ime and counseling bring our marriage back, and maybe even one day make it stronger? Can counseling help her re-discover what she might be throwing away? Everyone tells me they don't fell she really wants to get a divorce, and that someday, if I'm patient, it will all return. The pain, however is so intense. I feel so alone and helpless. I love her so much I can't even put it into words. I miss her and want her back in my life. Can anyone please offer me some encouragement and hope. I seam to run dry of hope almost daily. I use friends and family to help me stay focused and hopeful. This just isn;t my wife. What might I expect from all this? I know prayers are powerful, but I'm beginning to loose hope that they will be answered. I know GOD's time and my time are different. I just wish I could get some encouragement from her that she wants to stay with me. I'll be wainting for her when she returns. Love to all!