Today my husband and I went to a counselor. I knew he was going just to "humor" me, but I had hoped that he would go more than once and actually give it a chance. When it came time to make an appointment for next week, the counselor asked him if he was going to come again and he said "Do I have to?" To which I reluctantly replied no. I will be going by myself next week.
<p>I believe that there is still love left in his heart for me, I know that he cares for me at least because he has said as much. I truly believe that if he stayed I could make him happy again, but because of my recently diagnosed depression and its previous effects, he is sure I cannot keep up the changes I've made in myself. He will not stay and is extremely determined to go. I don't know what to do.
<p>Before we were married, he tried to stop seeing me because he believed it was "for the best." My tactic at the time to prove to him that we belonged together was to continue to pop up in his life - going to the pizza place where he worked for lunch or dinner, etc. He finally couldn't stay away any longer and we have been together ever since. I truly believe that it is the effects of my depression on our lives that have brought him to this point, caused him to choose to have an affair and now want to leave. He is not leaving me for her, but feels the need to get out and do something "different".
<p>I have told him that as long as he's still home, I will treat him like my husband, and I will kiss him and hug him and tell him I love him and get him cards that tell him that, too. I told him I cannot turn that off just because he thinks his feelings have changed. He seems okay with that and will kiss me back and hugs me back, but not quite like a lover would do.
<p>I'm afraid if I don't see him he will find it easier to "pretend" that he is happier without me. When I asked him today if, when he leaves, we could try seeing each other like dating again, he said "We'll see." I told him I wished he could give me something more than that and he said he doesn't know what the future will bring.
<p>Should I just let him go and not try to maintain any contact with him after he leaves? Or should I "pop" into his life like I did before we were married? Remind him of what he's left behind? Prove to him that I continue to care? If he doesn't see me, how will he know that I continue to improve and am able to maintain the changes I am making?
<p>And one more thing: our separation is going to be financially difficult for me. Going from two incomes to one and having all the same expenses leaves me short every month, even with my recent promotion and raise at work. He is going to pay the cable bill and the internet bill, his credit card and his vehicle insurances. When I told him I was going to be short, he offered to deposit $50 per week into our/my checking account. I don't know how long he is planning to do this, and have the opportunity to move nearer my family (right next door, actually) for significantly less money, in a trailer. I am not keen on doing this because it will take me farther away from him, and because I am not sure I want to live that close to my family and in the winter months it is significantly worse weather there than where I live now. My friend at work thinks I am crazy not to move, but I'm not sure that I am ready for that much change just yet.
<p>Help?
<p>terri

Terri,
<p>I dont know if this will help or hurt, but I am thinking some of the same things you are. My wife wants me to leave, says that she is no longer in love with me, and it is painful to even be in my presence. I have been torn about whether the best thing to save our relationship is to go or stay. I dont want to cause her pain, but do want her to try to work things out, which she has refused to this point, most of the time at least. Now she has talked about going away and visiting with some family she hasnt seen in a while. I know she really wants to go, and says she needs some happiness in her life and I want her to be happy. I am very afraid that she is escaping the situation though. Like you I worry that I am taking the fall for all of her unhappiness and if she goes elsewhere and feels better that that will convince her that I am the problem. Scary. However, I think you hould draw a line here about how far you want to go when he is so dead set on going. I have a line, and I have crossed it at times in the last four months, but the longer this goes on, the more I become resolved that the line must stand. My counselor told me that this will go on until I take a stand. So I did. I told her that I loved her and was willing to do anything to make things work out, but that her attitude that there was no hope, meant that there would not be. She acknowledged that she sould like to work things out, but wouldnt stay if she would always be unhappy. I said neither would I. Not for the kids or the family or the history, ituldnt be the right decision for the long run. So we are now going to counseling. Dont let him off the hook to easily. Maybe you should try to get him back to counselling. If he hears it enough times, he may start to believe it. Of course, dont go completely on my word. You need to make the decision of where your line is, and stick with it. I hope this helps.

Matt, thanks for the response. Many people where I work (all who have been divorced at least once) keep trying to convince me to kick him out (before he has anywhere to go) and work on forgetting about him. I just can't do that - I made a lifetime committment and I love him with all my heart and soul. It is just so hard for me to understand how he could have "lost" his love for me, and so hard to know what to do to help him find it again. And that's what I feel is the right thing to do - to try to help him find his love for me.
<p>But I don't know how, and I don't want to drive him away instead ...
<p>terri