I'm trying to figure out if I am doing the same to my H ask your wives are to you. I see similiarities, but I am not having the "identity crisis". But I have told him that I don't want to be married (that was this spring) Being around him is too disappointing and painful. i've kept myself very busy with kids and other activities now, and I feel as though I really like my life but my marraige isn't any better. This weekend we actually had a date. It was ok, nothing intimate, but civil. We even went to bed at the same time. He didn't initiate anything and neither did I. I don't anymore because of a history of being turned down. But I don't know if I initiate anything now what would happen. I think that he'd be so happy that he'd go through it, but I also know from experieince that we wouldn't be intimate again until I initiated it or he began groping me. Does any of this sound familiar to you guys?? What' s the male perception of what's happening here?? Someone else asked in another post if anyone one had ever gotten back love that was gone (or something like that) I am interested in knowing that too. I feel as though I am not in love with my husband. He has tried as best as he can (he says) to show me. But i feel that it is too little, too late. Now (in the past 6 weeks) he has given up so that he's not disappointed. Even though we had a date and went to bed at the same time, he still never looked me in the eye and had a conversation. I MISS THAT!
<br>Also, I am 30 lbs heavier than when we got married. I realize that this might be a factor in him not wanting to make love now (but when I was skinney he never appreciated it or acted like he was interested in my body...) How much of a factor do you think that is playing in all of this (honestly). I'm sorry for getting so personal, I do feel very sad now about my marraige.
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GBM, my perception is confusion. My wife has become hardened because of years of my not fulfilling my responsibilities. It wasn't intentional on my part, I just got into a rut of doing things a particular way and when I finally looked up I had committed a lot of neglect.
<br>I have no trouble wanting to be with my wife or having conversation. She's pretty, intelligent and great to be with. Sex is great and even though we've had our problems I still average twice a week.
<br>I believe she lost confidence in me as being a man that will advance things financially and otherwise. Of course she kept a lot of this inside and I didn't perceive it.
<br>My confusion stems from her saying she doesn't want to be married one day, giving me signs of hope another, then back to not wanting to be married the next.

GBM,
<br>My wifes problem started off as confusion. She didn't know what she wanted. Now she has let it be known that marriage is not for her. She wants independence. I don't know what else I could have done - She never says I didn't fulfill her needs. She feels like life has passed her by. She feels like she sacrificed her life for the sake of the families. I don't look at it as a sacrifice - I devote 100% of my time to the family.
<p>I love talking with my wife, hugging her etc. Our sex life has been great over the last few months. However, now she doesn't even want to hold my hand. I am totally confused. I have the same feelings that Bruce has - The ups and downs are excruciating.
<p>GBM, At least you want to get the love back -- sometimes I feel my wife doesn't want it anymore.
<p>Ken

GBM,
<br> I find my wife beautiful at any size. I married a beautiful girl, size 9. She is now as size 3. I look at her through the same eyes, and see the same girl. It was her sex drive that increased with the weight loss.
<br>The worst part of this is that my wife resents my telling her that I love her. She claims it puts pressure on her to reply. I told her tough. I'll say it when I want, with no strings attached.
<br>By the way, sex itself was never the issue. She claimed that the sex had no passion for her (it did for me).
<br>Instead of looking for lovemaking, try giving each other massages. We discussed this here before, and I can tell you it is very intimate.
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Thanks guys, I really appreciate your input. I wish I could offfer some advice for your wives' identity crisis. I have gone through a period of feeling worthless, but that was directly connected to my depression. have you explored that possibility?
<br>Last night (for the first time in ages) I did initiate, and my husband was very happy. Physically it was an ok experience, but it didn't do anything for me emotionally, and I know that my husband would be confused by that. maybe that's what your wife is feeling too (Ken? or Bill?) I want SO much for my husband to have desire and passion for me, but it's just not there. Well, I'm rambling now--thanks again. Best wishes.

GBM,
<br>My wife also feels worthless. She says she can not look people in the eye, and feels worse when asked "So, what do you do?". She is a SAH mom. And should be proud of it.
<br>My wife also feels that I have had no passion for her. I know she no longer feels it for me. She reads romance novels and watches movies, and believes that these are encyclopedias for passion. She yelled at me for never crying out her name during lovemaking. Is that a criteria for passion? She asked about why I never did other things. I told her that I DID. Every time. She did not remember, or care to remember.
<br>I wish I could convince her that my passion for her is extreme. Perhaps she is afraid to open her passion to me, for fear that I have none for her.
<br>Well, I'm the one rambling now.

My H has not allowed me to be intimate with him for about a year now. At first I thought he was impotent, now I know better. He claims he "doesn't feel like that" about me anymore, but then later said that it's for the best that he can "control" himself about some things. I don't know if he is trying to hurt me less or if he is afraid his resolve may crumble if he allows the intimacy.
<p>Reading so many sad stories here have made me see that my situation is not the worst, but it does seem unique in some ways. My H is so stubborn ... he refuses counselling and intimacy and is dead set on leaving as soon as he and his friend find a place to live. He won't commit to trying to work things out because he thinks that we can't. He will ignore missing me because he wants his freedom so badly right now. He won't allow me the intimacy I desperately crave from him and which I think could make him think twice about his feelings for me.
<p>I am thinking that some of his behavior is connected to his mother's death about a year ago - he is the youngest in an Italian household and was mama's little man. He doesn't know how to grieve and will not allow himself too much emotion. His father died in a truck driving accident when he was 17, and I don't think he's ever properly grieved for that death either. But, since he won't go to counselling, we will never discover this, and it may always haunt him even though he doesn't really know it.
<p>Do any of you men have any suggestions on how to help him deal with his grief? I am afraid that he is in a downward spiral and doesn't really know it... Any advice or comments will be appreciated.

GBM: I hear you! The issue of "who will initiate the fun" has been played in our house for a long time. It never ends but at least it is actually alive. We have had talks about her starting it too much but that was a bad move because she would then wait for me and I would take it as a sign she didn't want to and etc....
<br>Both you and him should initiate and if one or the other doesn't, you two should talk about it but resolve it too.
<br>Good luck.
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