KenS,
<p> You ask how long it takes for the barriers to come down. As you can see by this message board that the answer to that varies like the fishes in the sea. If there was one set answer I'm sure we would all not be here. As for your question to whether or not it seems like your W is letting her guard down, it does seem that way. It may not be to have you back as a husband though. I don't mean to sound negative but from your post it seemed that you were living together (yet still separated) and when you said she started to be friends was when she moved out. If I'm wrong in how I read that please correct me. If I read it correctly then I think you have your work cut out for you. I also don't really know what lead her to building the wall in the first place. Many things can build a wall and not all of them will come down. I hope I can help you but with what little information you have given this is all I can say. As for me, my walls are still up and my emotions are still guarded. I let them out once in awhile to test the waters. So far they are coming back to me ok but if they every get hurt again I don't know if I will let them out again. For anyone. I would assume you have read this site and my suggestion would be to court your wife. Do the things you would do if you had just met her and want to get her attention in a romantic way. And know that we are all here for you.
<p>Steph

Happy,
<p>You didn't say what you meant when you say you have "been with" your boyfriend for 2-1/2 years. Don't mean to be forward, but in this day and age, that usually means "having sex with", or even "living with".
<p>Without knowing more about your situation, it's hard to know what to say. Don't get me wrong but the phrase "Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free" comes to mind (NO, I'm not calling you a cow! This is probably truer now than ever before. Did he ever discuss his "intentions" with you? Did you make your desires clear to him when you first started getting serious? Have you asked him what he means when he says he's not ready?
<p>You may want to check out the section on "sex before marriage" to see if anything there is helpful.
<p>(If I have assumed something that is not true, please don't be offended. It's just that in this day and age, it's too typical for couples to live together for years without getting married, yet enjoying the "fruits" of marriage.)
<p>Val
<p>

KenS,
<p>I think you are right that your wife is not ready for courting. You need to take your signs from her as to when she will be. It seems to me that right now you are doing what you can. You are there for her when she needs you and you are giving her the space she needs and has asked for to figure things out. I do have one question for you. How long would you say that you suffered from depression? This could be what has brought this on. And it appears that most of your recovery has been while you have been separated. For you the person going through it, it is easy to see the change because you feel it and live it. You know what is in your heart. For us the outsider we are unsure. We have gotten up our hope before. We want and need proof that the change is for real. That the change is permanent. I think for each person and each circumstance this time frame can differ from months to years. I also think that the risk factor is still there for things to go awry again and some people are just not willing to take that risk. You said your wife asked for a divorce but you didn't say that you had gotten one so I'm assuming that you haven't. Well to me that would be something. I think if I were you I would keep doing the things you are doing. Keep showing her that you are improving and getting better. I doesn't sound to me that she has closed the door on this. Good Luck
<p>Steph

Steph,
<br> Thanks again for your replies. I think the depression set in around the birth of our second son about 6 years ago. I went thru, how could we afford it, when will I ever have time to myself and then there was the collic thing. Our first had it for 11 months, crying nearly 20 hours a day and we never got any sleep. My fears came true the next son had it and it lasted about 9 months. I started drinking when I had the chance to numb out my life, it seemed so difficult. Those two things turned me into someone that I dident know, self centered and no fellings for anyone, I just dident care about anything when I was drinking. My wife told me she couldent take comming home and not knowing who was going to be there. Was it going to be the nice me or the depressed me. After a while I just thought I was a miserible person and thats just the way I was. Thats the storie. I did speak with her mom yesterday and she told me that the wife told her how good I looked and that I smelled nice on Sat when I dropped off the boys, she also told me that the wife told her that she wanted to work on a friendship and become friends again. I hope this is a positive towards a relationship in the future. As far as the divorce is concerned she wants the divorce but wants me to file, which I did a few weeks ago, I pray that it doesent go thru, it does take a while. I also noticed that many of the people here are only a few weeks or months into thier dilema and I know how they feel, so from someone that has been in it for well over a year keep the faith and work on your self if its gonna be they will see the change in you.
<br> Thanks, Ken

Ken,
<p>It seems to me you are doing things just right. You have a great attitude for one going through this. We are here for you but you know that. My prayers are with you.
<p>Steph