No offence to all the people I have been talking to over the past week; I couldn't have gotten this far - still living at home without you; but I'm really hoping to talk to some of the women or men who can relate to where I'm coming from. I have realized that I no longer have any intimate feelings for your husband. We simply live as roomates. Is there anyone out there on my side of the fence?
<br>Looking for answers. Ken if you read this - I know you had mentioned at one point that your wife would be interested in talking to me - would you ask her to come on line with me?
<br>Thanks,
<br>Nat

Nat,
<br>I think my wife would like to talk with you. It will be easier next week (Wednesday) once we get a new phone line near the computer at home. However, I'll see if I can get her on it this weekend!
<p>I think she has similiar feelings like you express. She has told me before we are like roomates. I think she wishes we had the "passionate" love. I would love to be able to rekindle our relationship. But when she talks of a passionate love, she says its the feeling you always want to touch each other, always wanting to be together etc. Is this love? In alot of ways that sounds like, the feelings you have when you first meet. I not sure that is actually love, or infatuation!
<p>In any event, I would love to take our relationship to another level. I love her as a roomate! However, I wouldn't mind those feelings of "can't getting enough" of her. Is it possible to achieve the "fire" in a relationship that has matured for 11 years?
<p>I plan on romancing my wife all over again. I hope I can pull it off - I am not the most romantic guy! I am very predictable! I want to change for my sake and hers (at least in the romantic sense)!
<p>Thanks, Ken

I'm there, most definately. For years now. I described it as being co workers. Someone you see everyday and are polite to, but not someone you'd really choose to spend time with. Hope we can figure all this out!! I haven't read all of your other posts, but we sound to be sitting in the same rut right now.

Yup, that's me too. In fact, I've been amazed at all the people on this forum who talk about discovering their spouse's affair and then lament, "I love him/her so much!" Wow. Sorry, but I can't relate to that. I was struggling with no longer being in love with my husband BEFORE I found out about the affair. So you can bet learning the truth didn't help a bit! I think part of it is that it went on for so long (2 years and 8 months), he lied so much, and he also was the one who convinced me to become her friend when they were 8 months into the affair. I really though she was my best friend for almost 2 years, and I confided all my doubts about the marriage to her. Gee, I guess they both forgot to mention that they were having an affair! Also, when he was finally revealing everything to me, he admitted that he had been to three prostitutes while he was overseas in the year before we were married (we were engaged at the time). So he broke his vows as soon as he took them (one vow was "I promise to be faithful to you and HONEST with you"). I later found out that there is at least an 80% chance that the cervical cancer I had 7 years ago was caused by a sexually transmitted virus (HPV). My husband is the only person I have ever had intercourse with. So, do I love him? Yeah, maybe almost as much as I love my brother. Am I in love with him? No way. He broke my heart. My husband believes that loving someone is a choice. He thinks all I have to do is decide to be in love with him again. My response to that was that he must have DECIDED to fall in love with the OW then, since he admitted that he had loved her. Of course he had no response to that.

Hello Nat,
<br>I can relate to what you are feeling. When I first met my husband he loaded my 'love bank' with 'love units' in a short amount of time. Though the years I've noticed that my love bank account has slowly and steadly dwindled away. I had a difficult time trying to understand why. My husband is such a good, well respected man.
<p>I started to show symptoms of depression, but my husband didn't seem to care, and was too busy to help me with it. I began to wonder if my unhappiness was being caused by my relationship. It came to the point that I felt like I was happier when we were apart. When my husband was home, it was as if he was draining something from me. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. My self-esteem and happiness was eroding away. The reason I've found is in what Dr. Harley calls Love Busters.
<p>My husband can be so charming, caring and such a delight to be around that I would forget the prior incidents of disrespectful judgements that hurt me. What I didn't realize was that I lost such an exorbitant amount of love units during this time. When he would be nice to me I didn't trust him, so therefore I didn't allow very many love units in. Which in turn started to erase the **feeling** of being in-love.
<p>It's a sad situation. Sometimes I think that I don't even like my husband and only love him because I feel like I have to. Sometimes I convince myself that we never should have been married in the first place because we are so different. The reality for me is that I'm afraid to love my husband. I don't trust him because he hurts me so much.<p>[This message has been edited by Sky.]

Wow, SKy, I echo your words... there's got to be a solution to all this....
<br>And Emma, I feel so bad for you. I'm sorry to hear about the cancer.

Thanks for sharing your feelings with me. I really thought I was crazy to have these feelings or should I say lack of feelings for my husband. Although he is a great person now he hasn't aslways been that way. I really don't know how to get past this and move on. I find now that we are openly talking about the situation we're in, I feel some sort of releif, but now that a few weeks have gone by I feel that I'm just slipping back into the old way of like - the living as roomates. Anyhow, we have to go out of town to a weeding tonight so I will write more when I have time; I would really like to continue this discussion and comment on what you have written.
<br>Thanks for letting me know you're out there.
<br>Nat.

Hello to All:
<p>When I read your words, it is listening to my own thoughts. GBM, I could especially relate to yours.
<p>I won't go into the long sad story here, because you all have been there, but if there is a solution to this, maybe we will hit on it.
<p>I too, live with a 'roommate'. I love him, but I'm not in love w/him. It is very difficult understanding a selfish person. I seek to understand him, but I need to be understood also. He says that his "autonomy" is very important to him now. I can respect that, and can understand it. However, in our case it is a love buster. It seems to me that maintaining autonomy in a trouble marriage by one partner could really be fear of confronting pertinent issues.
<p>I wont't last long as a roommate. Reason being, if I were choosing a roommate, it wouldn't be him. He may feel the same about me, and if he would just open up, this is probably the central issue of our distant feelings.
<p>Guys, any hope I can get him to open up and confront those issues which are very important to ME? Like honesty about feelings, and just plain having a decent, flowing conversation?
<p>It sounds sad, but looking from the outside in, it seems like he is staying here because he doesn't have anywhere else to go. Could someone really be that selfish, that they could manage to hold everything inside, lie to themselves and their spouse about their feelings, just because they are afraid to leave? I read another post from a concerned H who echoed these fears; where will the money come from, etc. My answer to that is, if Spirit (God) intends for the relationship to end, for the better of both parties, a means will be provided.
<p>In my case, it seems that I am not learning the lesson that is before my eyes. So, I wonder is it for me to learn or him? I used to be a 'fixer' and finally saw the light on that, you can become totally drained trying to 'fix' a situation from only one side. So now I am left with, either continue to stick around while H draws tighter and tighter within himself, leave or continue hoping that somehow I will find the answer.
<p>All this doesn't sound very healthy does it??
<p>Thanks for listening, Jeri
<p>
<p>

Jeri,
<p>You ask is there any hope of getting your husband to open up, and you say it's hard to understand a selfish person.
<br>Well, there is always hope. I have to remind myself of that because sometimes it certainly seems like there isn't. Let this formerly selfish man tell you something about selfishness. It's like being an alchoholic, you drink every day but you don't think you're hooked, at least not to where you can't stop when you're ready.
<br>Selfishness is a killer of relationships. Unless the selfish person is made to wake up, see clearly what he or she is doing, own it as a destructive thing and make a firm resolve to turn things around, ship wreck is certain.
<br>I don't know what it will take to get your husband to open up. It's different things for different people, but in general it takes something that knocks the wind out of their sails and makes them feel helpless. Now that they are humbled they are ready to look at things afresh. That's it in a nutsehll. What that thing is for your husband I don't know.
<br>I wish you well in trying to resolve this. All I can say is to educate yourself on what it takes to keep a good relationship going, exemplify it yourself and do what you can to help your husband wake up.

Jeri--- You say that you related to my posts, but now here's the bad news----I've recently started feeling pretty selfish. I never wanted to feel this way, but I wish WE could afford a divorce. I don't want to seperate my husband and kids either. But I just feel if we weren't living together we'd have SUCH a better life. (heck, I would try seperation, but we can't afford that either.) So I'm not doing what I think would be best cause of kids and money---but deep down I keep thinking--things will get better. But it has been well over three years since our troubles became SERIOUS. (he still blames our troubles on my depression---I blame the depression on our troubles----but who cares either way we have to fix it!!) I just know that's it's all so hard, sometimes I also just want to give up.

Jeri,
<br>After reading your post, I was wondering, does your H know how you feel about him? Does he know that you are not "in love" with him? Since you've been in this for three years, I'm sure you've told him. I know that this information was what woke me up to be the best of everything possible to my wife. If not, you have to inform him of your feelings.
<p>Take care
<br>Greg

Wow Jeri, your H sounds alot like mine. Roomates is a good analogy. My H has a selfish streak. He makes sure he goes off a couple times a year to the races with the guys. It doesn't matter what his trip does to our budget, he'll go & let the chips fall where they may. I take care of the checkbook so its me that gets the stress of finding the $$ to cover his trips. Last week I had an angry outcurst because when I got the visa bill he had charged $1400 for next years tickets!! He pays (charges) up front for his buddies then supposedly he gets paid back. We've discussed that several times, the last time WE agreed we were not a bank and everyone would pay first. I guess thats why I got so angry - he betrayed our agreement for another trip for himself. Earlier this year I promised myself to get away for a long weekend with my sister. It never happened. I just can't bring myself to rape our budget that way.
<br>Boy, I guess I went off on a tangent there. Sorry.
<br>I know I'm getting more and more withdrawn from him and I can't seem to snap out of it. I don't even have the energy to talk with him. I can't say he would even talk.
<br>Whatever. Good luck with your situation.

How can we all be in such similar situations? After hitting bottem a few weeks ago, I finally laid everything out on the line with my H. We have never communicated well towards our relationship since the day we met. He took how I felt hard but realized that a lot of it was based on the person he used to be many years ago. Although that helped take off a huge weight off my shoulder, and seemed to put our relationship on a new level, I don't know where we go from here. He has being trying like crazy to fill up my love bank, and although I appreciate - that's the problem right there I just appreciate it. It hasn't brought back any of those lost feelings, if anything I find it just makes me feel guilty for not giving anything back to him. I don't know if I'm just trying to see how far I can push him before he gives up on me; I just couldn't be bothered reciprocating the love units he's giving to me. I was all for making this work, especially for our son, a couple of week's ago, but now I find I keep
<br>avoiding to talk about the situation and I keep puting off going to councelling, which is what he wants. At first I thought it would help, and I even went on my own to try and get things in my head a little straightened out, but I can't see how a councellor can get me to have intimate feelings towards him again. So where do we go from here. I find it so tough because he has changed so much and if we were to meet today, maybe I would fall madly in love with him, but I feel dead inside, he walks by and I feel nothing. How do I get over that hump. Although he says he is sorry for mistreating me in the past, and I acknowledge that he's taken responsibility for that - maybe subcontiously I can't forgive him, or my love bank is so drained, that it may be too late for him to fill it again no matter what he does.
<br>Looking for answers,
<br>Nat.

Just a quick note to respond to one of the posts in the middle of this string, God does not like divorce, he will not see it as a good thing and provide for the means to accomplish it. If you decide to divorce I'm afraid as far as "means" go your on your own. God will not abandon you and will be your partner through the pain but will not facilitate the thing.

Nat,
<br>You sound exactly like my wife acts. She said she notices and appreciates my changes but it seems to have no real effect on how she acts towards me.
<br>This is very hard to take. I told her that those feelings can be restored over time but she can't see how. She doesn't seem to want to even try.
<br>Everything I read says that the feelings will come when a decision is made to act the right ways and both parties, especially the husband, make it a priority to meet the other's needs. Getting my wife to see that however, seems like a lost cause right now.

JKelly,
<br>I have told my wife this. SHe has always been a strong Christian. I told her that to walk out now while circumstances don't truly warrnt it is to do so strictly on your own preference, not God's.
<br>She just shrugs her shoulders. Never thought I'd see that. It's truly scary.

Hello Nat
<br>Have you and your husband spoke about seperating? Even maybe a trial seperation. I know I've mentioned it in the other thread that I am planning on leaving for a short period of time at the casual request of my wife.
<br>It's scarey, you and her have the exact same feelings toward your husbands. Although there was no mistreaatment in our marriage, my "taking it for granted" was enough to add fuel to the fire. Now she believes that she is taking me for granted and doesn't really appreciate what she has.
<br>She has told me that she hopes this trial seperation is enough to make her realize what she can lose.
<br>I hope so as well.
<p>Don't give up, Nat.
<br>Know that you have a man willing to CHANGE for the sake of having your love again.
<br>Men don't like to change.
<p>My wife asked me how I could be so patient and willing to change.
<br>I told her that I know what its like to have your love and I'm willing to do anything to get it back, even leave you and my daughter.
<br>I'm so scared to go.
<br>Greg

Greg,
<br>I considered a seperation when everything was fired up, when all of this came to a head a few weeks ago. My H had to work a few hrs out of town for a couple of days, so I asked him to stay there, when he came home, I went to my parents place while they were out of town. Those were the best nights sleep I've had in months. I am really scared of leaving; he has always been there. He was my high school sweathear and I've never been with anyone else, or on my own. Also I have a 7mos. old son. It tears me apart to seperate them, and I know the 2 nights I left our son with my H. it was really hard for me to be seperated from my baby. I don't know; I had a really positive outlook at first, but now I feel I'm just slipping back into the groove we were in before. I think about the future and it's hard not to imagine being with my H. but at the same time I cringe at the thought of being close to him, or being intimate with him. I sound like such a whiner don't I. I just don't see a solution right now. Maybe a seperation, then trying to start over with a clean slate may be an answer, but it's such a big step. The last thing I want to do is hurt H. more, especially since he has been SO patient with me lately. On the other hand, it's not fair for him to be treated this way by me either, so I guess something has to give.
<br>Thanks for the words of encouragement. It somehow helps to know there is someone else out there to help out when I feel pretty confused and lonely right now.
<br>Nat