TheStudent,<P>You are right that some wounds just don't heal. And I doubt if they will heal for the kids either. That "what doesn't kill us" saying drives me crazy too - actually I think it is more like "What doesn't kill us just lops off a huge pieces of our hearts, and after enough of these events, there is just nothing left."<P>Our little one was crying again after my H took my son somewhere and left her behind - and this child never used to suffer from separation anxiety. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited April 15, 2000).]

Nellie,<BR>You are correct. There will always be this gaping wound in my life as well....how it heals is what is in my power to control. <P>By conducting my life as a person whose family always took priority and still does. The difference for me is that H no longer is part of this family and this will always hurt....even when the kids are much older.It is this part that for me will never get better and will fester in some ways.<BR> <BR>I will always regret what should have been, and life will not necessarily be better, but different than it was and should have been. This was the context when I came to the understanding that I had no choice but to live my life to the fullest under the circumstances and under the constraints of who I am as well as the values and morals I have always had, then life became better in terms of realising no matter what I did or did not do, I could do nothing to change the situation vis a vis my H,(not only ow, but irresponsibility for so much and this adolescent behaviour) and it was this mind set that freed me from absolute dispair which in fact made the situation somewhat better for me emotionally.<P>I hope this makes sense. I will always realize that my life and that of my children would have been better if many things had not happened, but thet did, and therefore one has to continue to live life with some hope that tomorrow will be better somehow and in someway...not that life itself is easier or better.<BR>Take care<P>

I think part of it depends on how you define "heal"...I used to think of it as being back to good as new. My minister (in a totally different context) said he thought that we often confuse being "cured" with being "healed"...that a deep wound may heal, but never be cured. Yes, it still hurts (tho probably not as much after a few years as when it was fresh). Yes, there is a scar. No, it's not as good as new. But, it heals so that we can function well, deal with life, find pleasure in things again. <P>Is it ever as good as new? No. But, is it still a raw, gaping wound that bleeds at every touch? No, thankfully.<BR>

willbok,<P>I'm afraid I don't get it - knowing that I can do nothing to affect this is one of the major causes for the despair, as is the certainty that tomorrow will if anything be worse. I will forever have all the responsibility and little of the control. I will never be able even to count on regular child support, without periodic visits to the court. <P>kam,<P>Yes, I do believe that it will always be an open wound that bleeds at every touch - and if it is not bleeding by itself, my H or the OW will make sure that they do something to reopen it. <P>I envy those people whose husbands have completely disappeared. It would definitely be easier not to ever see him again, not to have the OW flaunted in my face, and I suspect it would be easier for the kids too than it is for him to pretend he still cares about them, while refusing to see them very often, while telling them that he is not sure he can see them on Easter, because the OW might be busy, and even if he does see them, it will only be two of them, because the four of them fight too much. He is going to continue to give them mixed messages for the rest of their lives - pretending that he loves them while his actions say something completely different. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited April 17, 2000).]

Nellie,

In a sincere effort to understand your pain, I took the time to read this earlier thread.

Have things gotten better?

Is the wound "closed"?

Do you still, at the core of your being, have a heart tie with the XH that cannot be broken... but can only cause pain? As long as the relationship is not restored?

Maybe this is a "deep thought".

But when we say the vow "until death do us part"... we know that divorce, in practise, breaks the legal ties, according to civil law, that holds two marriage partners together.

However, I believe that God still stands holding two hearts together sometimes.

And, in my own experience, that never really changes.

So the choices are these:

1. Continue to have a broken relationship, that at it's deepest level, is a broken heart, or

2. Restore the relationship.

When the heart is broken - there are ways to distance one's self from the effect of the pain. Obviously, there are steps we can take to protect ourselves from the heightened experience of a core pain that will always remain.

But what are your thoughts today?


Laura

Nellie,

I'm aware that a part of my pain will never go away... but I have other scars as well, carrying them with me every day... I have joys too, and a lot of love in me and for me, moreover, I still have my life, in my hands... and will have more of both, pain and happiness, otherwise life itself would be empty... and will be carring them too...

Getting older the package of the past can just be bigger... It doesn't hurt if we recognize it as a part of OURSELVES... and we have to love each part of ourselves!... and just adapt our shoulders to be stronger... to keep moving on and fast enough to reach as many as enough sunrises before the last one...

PS:

It DOES get better!
IF YOU decide to get better!

You CHOSE to walk on sunny streets of your mind as oposite to dark ones where you are now... simply as that.

Once you make THAT decision, you'll KNOW it does get better!

I have to say that I was a bit surprised to see this post appear after 4 years. But in answer to the question, has it gotten better, the answer is no. My H has managed to further distance himself from the children, and in many ways is not acting anything close to rationally. It is kind of like watching someone deteriorate from Alzheimer's. Not to mention, from a financial point of view things have deteriorated further - he just lost his job again, and is going to court to reduce the child support even more.

Hi Nellie:

I don't know what to say.

Give your kids a hug, they are going to need all the love and affection they can get. Try to stay in the moment, not in the past and not in the future. Sounds like drivel I know but . . .

((((Nellie))) Consider yourself hugged too.

Healing for the Broken Hearted

Effective Coping Methods and Spiritual Healing for Victims of Betrayal

by James and Lyn Kirkland

https://www1.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.asp?bookid=23609


Hi nellie- after 24 years...my h walked out 15 weeks ago- completely out of control-living one block away with ow. GET YOURSELF together. try this book-and the BIBLE!! I will be praying for you...and I PROMISE you that if you let CHRIST rule your life-you WILL find peace and healing and even financial provision in HIM! I am living with outrageous circumstances and I am ALIVE and well. I still dream about and love my h- I need the Lord and he is WAITING for you!!!

PEACE OUT...and IN!